My Mess is His Message

Hurt

2011-11-03T08:24:00.001-07:00

I wish I could tell you it's only my ankle that hurts but I am learning about pride and being humbled by needing help.

This morning at crossfit I was jumping off a box and landed funny and BAMB before I knew it, my ankle was throbbing and tear came quickly.

I asked myself, "why tears?" It wasn't the pain. Was it embarrassment? I think some! Was it my sadness for just now getting back to the gym and BAMB I screwed up and now I cant work out? Really though, I didn't screw up, it was an accident and it could have happened to anyone.

So, I sit here wondering if this is a positive God thing because my walk is going well, food is going well and maybe one more thing at this moment would have been too much.

I choose this day to find joy in my friends, my life, and the bonus of knowing God works all things out for good for those who love him.

Please pray with me that I will continue in joy and be true to my needs and ask for help when I need it. Healing too.

Muddled-Chaos

2011-04-27T09:21:00.000-07:00

My immeasurable mess.
Enduring helplessly – without joy.
Fear has taken over.
Praying with an insistent-deserving heart.
Needing joy filled perseverance in the midst of pain.
My resilient devoted husband praying continually.
God allowed difficulty.
While not responding in a way pleasing to God.
Ingesting truth isn’t enough, digestion is essential for growth.
Not being difficult to be around is key.
My infinite mess…

Struggle Colored Sunglasses

2011-04-18T14:58:00.000-07:00

My emotions have been all over the place and my poor husband has been a rock. I can’t really tell you everything that is happening, as its not really all my place to share, but what I can tell you is God is faithful and true even in our places of weakness.

I wish I could tell you that I have justifiable reasons for being discouraged and downright moody but there is no reason big enough to say its “ok” or even understandable. We have a great, powerful, and wonderful God who loves us unconditionally, who saved us from death and yet I still have a hard time finding joy in the midst of “small” stuff.

Today, my hindsight is 20/20 and its not pretty. I noticed my struggle is often the filter in which I see God instead of the God being the filter in which I see the struggle. I need to constantly remind myself of truth.

“These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change and though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea; though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains quake at its swelling pride. Selah. The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our stronghold. Selah. Psalm 46:1-3,7

‘Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’ Isaiah 41:10

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control. 2 Tim 1:7 (AMP)

I have set the Lord continually before me; because He is at my right hand, I shall not be moved. Psalm 16:8 (AMP)

Cast your burden on the Lord [releasing the weight of it] and He will sustain you; He will never allow the [consistently] righteous to be moved (made to slip, fall, or fail). Psalm 55:22 (AMP)

He only is my Rock and my Salvation; He is my Defense and my Fortress, I shall not be moved. Psalm 62:6 (AMP)

Casting the whole of your care [all your anxieties, all your worries, all your concerns, once and for all] on Him, for He cares for you affectionately and cares about you watchfully. 1 Peter 5:7 (AMP)

The Lord is good, a Strength and Stronghold in the day of trouble; He knows (recognizes, has knowledge of, and understands) those who take refuge and trust in Him. Nahum 1:7 (AMP)

“The steadfast of mind You will keep in perfect peace, Because he trusts in You. Isaiah 26:3

The Counterfeit Love of a Co-Dependant Christian

2011-04-13T11:11:00.000-07:00

I have difficulty saying “no” when people ask me to do something, even when I know I should not do it.
I feel I need cover up for irresponsible people in my life because I don't want them to suffer. I'd rather "fill in and help them" than see them get consequences. It's my job to assist them.
I understand that it is my job to fix, manage and hold my family/relationship together.
I work hard to be thoughtful and nice to others and get angry when they don't respond or reciprocate my efforts.
I like to be around people that need my help. I avoid situations where I would not have a task or a "duty" to perform for others.
I worry about how I make people feel. It directly affects my own feelings.
When I get in close relationships, I change to try that please that person. I often "read" people to figure out how I should act.
I don't like being alone. I need to be around others all the time.
I am afraid of people. I need to isolate.
Being "good to myself" is equivalent to selfishness
In the areas of my life where I experience approval, I often become over-involved. In the areas of failure, I detach and withdraw.
If something is not perfect I see it as a failure
I become defensive when others point out my imperfections
I often measure myself in accordance with other people. It leaves me feeling as if I'm "better" then others sometimes, and "worse" than others at other times.
I have a hard time leaving relationships, even if they are unhealthy
I have a difficult time asking people for help, even when it's necessary.
I feel sometimes that if I don't do it myself, it will never get done right
I find it difficult to speak what I truly feel or ask for what I need.
I have secret sins in my life that I cannot not let others know about because it would ruin my image of being the "strong one" (i.e., alcohol, drugs, food addiction, sex, pornography, etc.)

I’m sure the list could go on and I’m sure some of you can relate to at least a few of these.

I have learned these behaviors over years of dysfunctional relationships but they have become habits I hope to break ONE by ONE. These habits have produced a counterfeit love that I felt I could control by my actions and responses towards others.

This week has been a difficult week with these behaviors because I have an old friend I am severing ties with. This particular relationships has been one of the most dysfunctional I have ever known but the desire to stay connected and be “friends” with this person has stayed close to my heart. What is it I desire?
The attention.
The compassion.
The appreciation.
The affirmation.
The appearance of acceptance and love.

I am awesome in this person’s eyes. I can do no wrong in this persons perception. I am the bee’s knees to this person. I have been an on and off friend/lover of this person for over 10 years and there is always something that pulls me back. Whether its my need to be puffed up, my desire to “feel” unconditionally loved, or my necessity to take my life’s woes out on someone. Argh!

In January I called it quits for good. I apologized for the person I had been to them, the pain I had caused, the weak person I had become in my relationship to them, and how I wish I could have been more like Jesus in my relations to them. I explained what wasn’t working and my goal of becoming emotionally and spiritually whole and healthy. I made sure not to point the finger and used mostly “I” statements to show my faults and needs in severing this relationship. I asked for respect and understanding in my need to do this for not only me but them too. The relationship was so unhealthy that it wasn’t good for either of us.

It was a while before I heard anything but when I did I really felt like closure was finally taking place. They email me telling me that they were ready to move on and “bury” all the memories we once had together. I was so thankful and relieved to know that I could finally move on and not have to think of it any longer (or so I thought).

This first step was the initial battle of taking back what was mine – Me. This was by the redemptive power of God in my life that I was able to say, “no more.” That I was able to admit it wasn’t working and stand on solid ground proclaiming God was my rock and I didn’t need this relationship anymore. But what I didn’t realize then was that there are two battles – the initial battle of stopping a behavior/sin and the second ongoing battle of not falling back into old patterns and “comfortable” behaviors.

It was about a week ago that I got a simple, “I miss you @~~`~~,~~” email. Talk about blind sided. I hadn’t even really thought about this person till now, but it’s like a flood. At first I was angry, “How could they email me after all this time and space? What a piece of work, they are so disrespectful. I told them it was over!!” My mind raced with all the things I wanted to say to them and how I wish I could rip them a new one with my words. After a few days the angry feelings passed and I started to wonder, “How are they doing? How are their kids? I wonder if we could have a productive friendship now. What do they really miss about me? Can I help them to see Jesus?” All questions that are unsafe, unhealthy, and frankly hazardous to the progress/ground I have gained over the last months.

This person needing/desiring me and my attention – played solely into my co-dependent nature. Now, just keeping it real (because that’s just what I do) I thought this relationship was exclusively the only co-dependant relationship I have. When if I’m honest (which I try hard to be) I’m co-dependant is lots of relationships I have. Oy. My onion has THOUSANDS of layers… praise God I’m ready for another to be exposed. Joy fills me as I learn of new ways to grow.

Just a few weeks ago I felt disconnected, unappreciated, and ultra needy towards the girls in my Monday Weight Loss group and coming to this realization about my dependency on people has shown me that most of the issues I was having in the group was because I didn’t have control. OUCH! Now, I instantly want to defend why I felt unwanted, unappreciated, and needy but I’ll leave you with this, I stuck it out, expressed my needs, and my girlfriends are walking with me through it. Not always comfortably and not always with finesse but never the less I am pushing through the uncomfortable to gain freedom and more “ground” in my process of “healing” which can be referred to as “life.”

I have joy in my onion today!
I am finding joy in my desire to contact this person because I am drawing closer to God as a result.
I am finding joy in my lack of unhealthy attachments to people because in learning about them, I can change them by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Joy because I am empowered by God to make good choices each and every moment.
Joy because I am not alone, I have great people helping me learn how to release control and trust God each and every day.

Melt Down turned Face Down

2011-04-11T13:09:00.000-07:00

This weekend started our annual backpacking trips. Every second weekend of the month May – October we hike on trails carrying all our camping gear in and out. Completely self-sufficient.

We planned to do a trail in the Columbia Gorge 14 miles round trip on Herman Creek Trail. I got too excited and convinced Jake we should leave Friday after work instead of waiting till morning. Well, this would have been all good and fine – if dark wasn’t the enemy of hiking. We hiked (uphill) for about 3 miles when it started to become dusk, as we got to waterfall after waterfall we started to wonder if we were ever going to find a place to camp. Realizing where we had planned to hike wasn’t going to happen, we started looking for anywhere to pitch the tent. Since this trail runs along a huge canyon, there wasn’t any wide spots to pitch a tent. Then a large waterfall ran across the trail – instant fear and panic. Not only did I not believe I could cross but daylight wasn’t on our side. I started to cross the creek and panic was pushed aside by horror. I took a step forward, followed by a quick step back - out of fear.

Then what I feared most happened – twisted my ankle.
Pain shot up my leg as fear and panic boiled over into a melt down. Tears rolled down my face as anger and anxiety filled my thoughts and tounge. As my thoughts and words turned irrational I freaked out. I was praying and praying, wishing God would stop time so we could make it to a place where we could make camp and not have to hike in the dark. I ranted and cried every step, the pain from not only my ankle but blisters made every step one of hopeless faith.

Hopeless faith? Well, yes. I prayed God would intervene if He loved me and even cared. I questioned why He didn’t intervene in the past and present so it wouldn’t have come to this scary place of unknowns with the dark nipping at our heals and the pain of injury and feeling defeat. Faith because I believed that if I just kept praying something could happen. Hopeless because I didn’t see Him helping prior and I felt that I deserve something better then this situation.

I was hysterical, crying, yelling, praying, while walking as fast as I could to get to a place where we could camp. My attitude was dreadful, unfortunate, tragic, and nothing like Jesus.

Although I couldn’t see it then, I now see that God showed up in a BIG way.

As 2 Corinthians 12:9 says, “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

But really we need to look more closely at this whole section of scripture vs. 7-10: “To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

I wish I could tell you I was a “good” Christian girl in my response to the hard facts of the situation I found myself in on Friday but I didn’t. Thankfully I am looking back and seeing how much growth I need to have and how much I can learn from this situation.

God's blessings POURED our over me that night on the trail in AMAZING WAYS:
• My pain level and the severity of the injury was minuscule in comparison to what it could have been.
• We did get to a place to camp before dark.
• A man hiking in the dark passed through and happened to have an ace bandage he gave to us.
• I was able to sleep through the night without waking up in pain.

God came through EVEN through my faith wavered on defeat. For it is in MY weakness that he is made STRONG!

I need to start digesting what I have learned in the bible over the years. Ingesting the truths of the bible just isn’t enough – we are called to digest it until it becomes part of who we are.

My prayer for just this is simple – just as Paul’s was in Colossians 1:9-14 “ For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light. For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.”

When I ranted my questions of why, over and over, wishing, hoping, praying for God to just answer me and tell me WHY? I took for granted the great and wonderful God he is and wanted understanding, where as my inadequate viewpoint, will always fail. Asking why doesn’t help me get through, but “what” questions will. What do you want me to do with what has happened? What can I learn from this? What part of this is for my protection? What other opportunities could God be providing? What maturity could God be building in me?

Today I am face down at the cross in repentance for my attitude, actions, and choices when faced with (what I felt was) disaster. I am disappointment in myself for my lack of faith, but I am filled with JOY that God is using my weakness for his good. No shame. No guilt. Only repentance to a good and faithful God.

Learning and growing once step, one choice, one question, and one action at a time.

Meredith Andrews - In Your Arms

2011-04-05T15:17:00.000-07:00

Undivided Heart

2011-03-31T14:20:00.000-07:00

Integrity - "The lifeblood of integrity is becoming the same person no matter where we are- no matter who's around. When we become people of integrity, everything we are in the inside is obvious from the outside. The Latin word for 'integrity' literally means 'entire.' The essence of the term is wholeness and completeness. Integrity is 'the quality or state of being complete or undivided.' You can see, therefore, how much integrity depends on consistency. Integrity not only calls us to live inside-out, it keeps the outside from coming in. Consistency in our walk and in our talk becomes a transportable cloak of protection around us, going anywhere we go. Life becomes so much simpler when there aren't so many costume changes.*" * sent to me from a friend

Integrity defined: the quality of possessing and steadfastly adhering to high moral principles or professional standards.

I believe that integrity is a direct result of self care and evidence of our obedience to God.
It’s a choice.
We have the opportunity to make it priority daily.
It shapes all areas of our life.

I can see where in my past integrity wasn’t my main concern and how it affected all other areas of my life. It’s like a disease that spreads, if you don’t nip it in the bud at the first site and get treatment for it.

Integrity is challenging when it’s not your habit. It takes practice with the help of Christ.

Being a woman of integrity means, following God’s leading even when it’s uncomfortable, unexpected, and grueling at times.

Philippians 4:13
(MSG) “Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am.”
(NIV) “I can do everything by the power of Christ. He gives me strength.”

This passage could be one of the most popular for those who are discouraged, but really, it’s a passage of excitement that we CAN do all things through Christ.
It’s a passage of confidence.
Paul is saying he came to know that he “can do all things” because he made it his habit which was acquired by frequent exercise, it was a temperament which he had by grace; and he was enabled to do all by the power of an indwelling Christ.

Then John 15:5 tells us:
(MSG) “I am the Vine, you are the branches. When you're joined with me and I with you, the relation intimate and organic, the harvest is sure to be abundant. Separated, you can't produce a thing.”

Its highly beneficial to be joined with Christ and its only through Him that we can do anything at all. If this is true (which it is – since the bible says so :-) then way is it so hard for us to get over ourselves and give God our whole lives.

If you really think about it, “do all things by the power of Christ” is a HUGE promise that God makes to us.

Pruning has been a huge part of my life these last week and it’s only through Him that it was even possible. I had the opportunity to do so many wonderful things last year and as winter comes to an end, God has been challenging me to give some things up and cut back. It’s a season where the leaves are gone, the flowers have died, and my roots are extending deep. I’m allowing God to prepare me for the upcoming spring and possible storm I may or may not face. I’ve been challenged to give things up that I have enjoyed, loved, and even created out of a desire or dream.

I’m in complete confidence that as I am called to give things up, God has a perfect plan for me and the things I will do in the next season.

I’m constantly saying, “This is a season for promoting growth and change.” But as a believer in Christ, it’s not a season but an under current to all other areas in life. It happens simultaneously with all other things. It’s about working hard to become more and more like Christ daily – which isn’t something that we never arrive at and say, my work here is done. It will only be completed when we arrive in heaven or when Christ returns.

This day I choose to lean on Christ, fill my mind and heart with His truths, and allow him to have control over my life and existence.

Daily striving to be a woman of integrity.
One who is undivided.
One who is truthful.
One who has honor.
One who has reliability.
One with honesty.

Only by the power of The One, Jesus.

Psalm 86 (MSG)
"Bend an ear, God; answer me. I'm one miserable wretch! Keep me safe - haven't I lived a good life? Help your servant - I'm depending on you! You're my God; have mercy on me. I count on you from morning to night. Give your servant a happy life; I put myself in your hands! You're well-known as good and forgiving, bighearted to all who ask for help. Pay attention, God, to my prayer; bend down and listen to my cry for help. Every time I'm in trouble I call on you, confident that you'll answer. There's no one quite like you among the gods, O Lord, and nothing to compare with your works. All the nations you made are on their way, ready to give honor to you, O Lord, Ready to put your beauty on display, parading your greatness, And the great things you do - God, you're the one, there's no one but you! Train me, God, to walk straight; then I'll follow your true path. Put me together, one heart and mind; then, undivided, I'll worship in joyful fear. From the bottom of my heart I thank you, dear Lord; I've never kept secret what you're up to. You've always been great toward me - what love! You snatched me from the brink of disaster! God, these bullies have reared their heads! A gang of thugs is after me - and they don't care a thing about you. But you, O God, are both tender and kind, not easily angered, immense in love, and you never, never quit. So look me in the eye and show kindness, give your servant the strength to go on, save your dear, dear child! Make a show of how much you love me so the bullies who hate me will stand there slack-jawed, As you, God, gently and powerfully put me back on my feet."

Fort Vancouver Run 10K by Energy Events

2011-03-30T08:30:00.000-07:00

Me ~ Elizabeth ~ Andrea

Last Sunday, March 27, 2011 was the Fort Vancouver Run put on by Energy Events. This run was my favorite of last year and this year it didn’t disappoint. I had a great time with friends running the beautiful, well planned course.

Although I had planned to have a flawless race, this run was the hardest I have had to date. My body just didn’t want to run that morning. I struggled with a side ache for 9 out of the 10K and I just didn’t have the endurance I normally do.

Aside from the body just not wanting to be out there, the race itself is still one of my favorites. The mile markers were better then last year and the volunteers/water stations were well placed. The only iffy spot was at the park where we turned around, we were to cross over the road – crossing the people who had already turned around. When we got to the park we were told (by other runners) to cross over and go around the park counter clock wise but thinking about it later I think we were suppose to go around the park clockwise and then hit the water station last, but I think somewhere ahead of us people started stopping at the water station first which got people off track with going the wrong way. This really wasn’t that big of a deal, just interesting.

The course was the same as last year and just as wonderful. I wouldn’t change a thing about the course it self.

Energy Events always make the races memorable and worthwhile.

I do have to admit that the shirt design this year was BEYOND cool! I love the shirt this year.

I finished the 10K in 1:29:42. Slow and steady – but I didn’t quit… even though it crossed my mind on more then one occasion. Thanks to my friends Andrea and Elizabeth, I kept going and made it through. Thanks girls!!

My next run is EARTH DAY RUN!!! Please come join me!! April 23, 2011 in Tigard, OR. I'll be doing the 10K - for all you fair weather runners, the weather should be better for this one. Maybe...

Surrender

2011-03-22T14:07:00.000-07:00

While writing my last blog I remembered the passion I once had for writing. Life gets busy and we can’t do all that we desire but writing is a huge stress release for me and helps me to get out of my thoughts and into reality. I wouldn’t say I am a very good writer but I love it how thoughts become words.

I continue to be engulfed with thoughts from the retreat I attended a couple weekends ago. But its not only the retreat that has me all twisted. It’s the events, dates, social times, that lead up to the retreat that has me in this place of cultivation and realization.

The weeks leading up to the retreat God was so faithful in awakening my heart and refresh my soul into a place of listening, learning, and an unquenchable thirst for His words.

Disclaimer: I normally have not had issues with sharing my feelings regarding any part of my life but the area I am about to share is more sensitive then the rest. I’m learning (through therapy) that my openness can sometimes be a form of protection and security. My theory was: I would share any and all of me and my history so I wouldn’t run the risk of losing a friend/relationship down the road from them finding out my dirty secrets. Example: If I share all of me upfront and you stay, then I have security that you like me for me. If I share all of me and you leave then I have not invested anything, thus I have not lost anything.

This topic is more sensitive because it’s part of my character/personality and not just a bad choice I have made.
Its part of who I am and how I relate.
Its in part because of my upbringing, childhood experiences, and the lessons I learned at a young age.
Its been an escape and a place of great pain.
It has shown me my behavioral dysfunctions and taught me how to be vulnerable.
It promised me loyalty and brought alienation followed by ruin and rubble.

I have not arrived.
I have not beat anything.
Its only through Jesus and the cross that I have been able to make small steps toward the cross.
I have had set backs.
I have made mistakes.
I have hurt many people.
Its only through Jesus and the cross have I been able to do anything decent at all.
I believe in the deepest places in my heart that my messy life is His message and in my reliance on Him it can and will bring Him glory.
Oh right… a few weeks before the retreat….
I need to back up even farther… January, God did some amazing things (like He always does).

Jake and I were seeking counseling (which I firmly believe can benefit any marriage) to work out some of our “disagreements.” In doing so, we were put in contact with a woman who is an intern for a counseling degree. I had hoped that counseling would help us communicate better and learn how to love each other better.

During our first two weeks it was determined that my disappointment was something on more of a personal level and would be better suited for individual counseling. I was not apposed to this. Although, in the past I had a hard time justifying spending that kind of money on just me.

As I started meeting with the intern we started talking about my history and how it has set me up for disappointment in my marriage. We talked about my romantic relationships which included one with a woman on and off for 4 years (just after high school). That female was my only serious same sex relationship but the roots to this relationship ran deep. The relationship was deceiving and entirely unsettling to my core, all the while it fed the longing in my heart to “feel” loved and cherished. It provided a security that I had not felt with men and what felt fulfilling really was the suffocation of all my other needs.

The intern suggested I watched a video on the NARTH (National Association For Research & Therapy of Homosexuality) website, which lead me to purchase (and finished in a week) Janelle Hallman’s book “The Heart of Female Same-Sex Attraction: A Comprehensive Counseling Resource” which was as if the light went on in this part of my history. Once I started to see the length and depth of these “roots” I felt the internship counselor wasn’t a good fit and I moved on to my current therapist, who has experience with clients with same sex attraction.

During the search for a new therapist I found Portland Fellowship who provides support for those who want freedom from unwanted homosexual desires and behavior through the love and mercy of Jesus Christ. During the week of reading Janelle’s book I contacted Portland fellowship and learned about Taking Back Ground (“Taking Back Ground is a powerful discipleship program that equips those struggling with unwanted same-sex attractions to walk in freedom by providing powerful worship, in-depth teaching, and small group accountability.”) I was told that the next section was starting the very next night. I know that if I had, had time to think about it I probably won’t have attended. I stepped out of my (already small) comfort zone and went.

What is most amazing through all this, is that I wouldn’t have sought therapy or gone to this support group on my own and now that I am going, I can’t believe I didn’t do this years ago.

In February (@ Taking Back Ground) they started talking about the annual retreat and that at the retreat they do a surrender service. I was instantly in prayer with God about what I was to give up. I prayed, read scripture, and just longed to put my finger on what God had for me to give up. I head, “Stop trying to control.” I swiftly thought, “But I want to know so badly what you want me to give up, I want my heart to be “ready” for it.”

In my inpatients I asked Jake, “If you heard your wife went on a retreat and there was a surrender service what would you guess your wife would give up to God?”
He replied (without a thought), “Control.”
“Ha, good one.” I said. While letting it roll off my shoulders.

The time passed and the retreat drew closer. The Thursday before I left I met with Teresa and we had a really nice time catching up and talking about what the Lord has us going through. She shared with me about how God showed her Psalms 23

A psalm of David.
The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name’s sake.
Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.

She questioned, “…your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” What does that really mean?

After Teresa’s and my time, she sent me the parallel commentaries from (bible.cc/) its summarized in this portion from bible.cc: “Thy rod and thy staff - It may not be easy to mark the difference between these two words; but they would seem probably to refer, the latter to the "staff" which the shepherd used in walking, and the former to the "crook" which a shepherd used for guiding his flock. The image is that of a shepherd in attendance on his flock, with a staff on which he leans with one hand; in the other hand the "crook" or rod which was the symbol of his office. Either of these also might be used to guard the flock, or to drive off the enemies of the flock. The "crook" is said (see Rosenmuller, in loc.) to have been used to seize the legs of the sheep or goats when they were disposed to run away, and thus to keep them with the flock. "The shepherd invariably carries a rod or staff with him when he goes forth to feed his flock. It is often bent or hooked at one end, which gave rise to the shepherd's crook in the hand of the Christian bishop. With this staff he rules and guides the flock to their green pastures, and defends them from their enemies. With it also he corrects them when disobedient, and brings them back when wandering." (The land and the book, vol. i., p. 305.)

They comfort me - The sight of them consoles me. They show that the Shepherd is there. As significant of his presence and his office, they impart confidence, showing that he will not leave me alone, and that he will defend me. “

Its amazing that we can find so much comfort in letting God lead – I wanted to be in a place that I found comfort from being reprimanded. My past is riddled with just wanting to go against the grain and doing exactly what I was told not to do. So, to find comfort in being punished or even rebuked. I knew this would take a work from the Lord. I turned to prayer that this would be my desire that I could submit to His leading is all areas of my life. I also prayed that God would please tell me what he would have me surrender, that I am ready to prepare myself for this time on the retreat.

Again, I heard, “Stop trying to control.”
I said, “Fine, I’ll just leave it in your hands and wait till the retreat to be told what I am suppose to give up. I’ll take the advice of my therapist and if I don’t have anything to give – not to force it. I am ok with that.”

I arrived in Seaside a little early that Friday and I went to the Christian bookstore outlet and was looking for a bible because I had forgotten mine at home. I had wanted a study bible for a while. I took this opportunity to just look and found a parallel study bible that is amazing. It has the Message and New International Version side by side. I went right away to Psalms 23 and then…

Matthew 6:9-13:
“This, then, is how you should pray:
“‘Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name,
your kingdom come,
your will be done
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us today our daily bread.
Forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from the evil one.’

It was wonderful to read the bible and understand it. The Message version really brings the bible to LIFE for me! The verses were JUMPING off the pages. Its as if the bible had been written just for me, in that moment. It was wonderful.
The retreat was filled with a lot of anxiety and fear about social interactions but once I arrived, I was almost fully at ease. Friday night we had worship and a lot of time relating and having out. They told use that we would be going through the Sermon on the Mount the next day, but I just couldn’t hold by my excitement to read my new bible. I quickly went back to my room and started reading. I fell asleep that night with the word of God flowing through my thoughts and woke up ready to finished studying.

The surrender service didn’t even come to mind. I didn’t even fret about it.

The next morning before breakfast, I went to the meeting room and finished up reading the Sermon on the Mount. When the first session of the day came I was already in a spirit of worship and ready to thank the Lord for all he had already done for me. Then they announced there wasn’t going to be a speaker, we were going to let God do the talking. We were going to read through the Sermon on the Mount to ourselves as if God was speaking to us directly, taking notes on the things that stood out and/or highlighting things that meant a great deal to us. This encouraged me because I couldn’t wait to read it again to get more out of it. The Lord impressed upon me so much truth and ways to grow. The word of God is mind-blowing.

After re-reading we shared together in our small groups what was impactful and then we did art reflection of those scriptures with either painting, clay, drawing, speech (through debating), or silent reflection. Those who did art were encouraged to listen to God and follow His leading. Then again we shared in our small groups.

Then free time before the surrender service.

I arrived at the service ready to just sit, listen and take it all in. It was beautiful to see people giving their hearts to the Lord and giving up things that were really hard. A co-small groupie sat next to me at the service and she handed me some tissues. I said, “No, thank you. Just not a crier.” Within just a few people going, I was a crying mess of tears. I fought them to stop – then heard, “Stop trying to control.” and it all became clear, it was control!
I was to give it up!
Control.
What?
… now?
I’m not ready for that.
My heart pounded.
What does that look like?
How do you give up control?
Tears came easily.
What will I have to do?
How do I get out of the row I am sitting in?
I’m trapped.
I’m stuck on all levels.
I don’t think I can.
Maybe.
Ill think about it.
Why didn’t you tell me God?
I could have prepared my heart for this.
I stopped and listened to those sharing.
I ignored the inner chatting… person after person shared, it was getting later and later and after each person I heard, “Stop trying to control.” It was then that I realized that God had told me, more then once, time and time again, I just didn’t get it.
I misunderstood.
As the tears fell, I stopped trying to fight them, I started to just let them come easily, I started to shake, then I did what I never thought possible. I got up and went up to the front. The spot light was in my eyes and my whole body shook, the tears came and the words flew out of my mouth. Kneeling before the cross, my face in my hands, shaking uncontrollably, sobbing, as my fellow peers prayed over me. Prayer after prayer, the words impacted my heart and filled me with peace. I could feel the prayers, literally feel them.

I went back to my seat, never to be the same again. Surrender.
Sur•ren•der (noun): an act of relinquishing control or possession to somebody or something.
Sur•ren•der (verb): relinquish, give up, hand over, part with, cede, forfeit, concede. (antonym: retain).

Again, I still don’t know that looks like, but I am listening, waiting and watching – just like Psalms 130:

1 Help, God - the bottom has fallen out of my life! Master,
hear my cry for help!
2 Listen hard! Open your ears! Listen to my cries for mercy.
3 If you, God, kept records on wrongdoings,
who would stand a chance?
4 As it turns out, forgiveness is your habit,
and that's why you're worshiped.
5 I pray to God - my life a prayer - and wait for what he'll say and do.
6 My life's on the line before God, my Lord,
waiting and watching till morning, waiting and watching till morning.
7 O Israel, wait and watch for God - with God's arrival comes love,
with God's arrival comes generous redemption.
8 No doubt about it - he'll redeem Israel,
buy back Israel from captivity to sin.

God worked all this out in my life is such a short time. Without God on my side, I’m LOST!
I sit.
I wait.
I surrender.
I listen.
I pray.
I give all I have to Him.
SURRENDER.

Generous Redemption

2011-03-19T20:11:00.000-07:00

The story I am about to tell you is not a story about me.

It is not a story about all I have done, all I’ll do, or even what I dream to do.

It’s not a story about my life, my achievements or even about what I have accomplished.

It’s not about me.

The story I am about to tell you is about… Jesus.

A story about God who came to earth as a man – who was without sin and became sin so all those who believed in Him would live in eternity forever.

This is a story about grace.

It’s a story about love.

It’s a story about undeniable compassion.

It’s a passionate story about generous redemption.

Generous redemption, irrefutable love, and unquestionable compassion for a wreck like me.

As I sit here and try to think of the words to tell you this amazing story – not about me but about Jesus, I pray, I surrender, and I allow God to speak through my words to tell you a story about Him.

It has been 11 years. Eleven: long, hard, and trying years. Years filled with pain, joy, fun, excitement, love, celebration, depression, addiction, fear, and grace followed by generous redemption.

Psalms 130 says (MSG):

Help, God - the bottom has fallen out of my life! Master, hear my cry for help! 2 Listen hard! Open your ears! Listen to my cries for mercy. 3 If you, God, kept records on wrongdoings, who would stand a chance? 4 As it turns out, forgiveness is your habit, and that's why you're worshiped. 5 I pray to God - my life a prayer - and wait for what he'll say and do. 6 My life's on the line before God, my Lord, waiting and watching till morning, waiting and watching till morning. 7 O Israel, wait and watch for God - with God's arrival comes love, with God's arrival comes generous redemption. 8 No doubt about it - he'll redeem Israel, buy back Israel from captivity to sin.

How many of us can say that forgiveness is our habit? That is why this is not a story about me, but about Jesus.

Oh yeah… 11 years ago…

I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I terminated a pregnancy as a senor in high school. I believed the lie that it would all go away with one “easy” procedure, that tomorrow will be a new day and I could move on as if nothing happened.

What they didn’t tell me that day or the days leading up to the “procedure” was that I would be haunted by that decision for the rest of my life and not only that but I would be prone to terminate more then one pregnancy; which I did just 2 years later.

I easily turned to drug, alcohol and men to fill my God shaped hole for love, affection, and even forgiveness. I was an open book with my past, present and even my panties for which I gave anyone the right to have ownership.

Don’t get down with the gloomy details because this is a story about Jesus.

I spent many years running and many years avoiding what I know in my mind to be truth, in which turning to Jesus was the only way I was going to feel loved and forgiven for all the things I had been trying to numb myself from.

God pursued me time and time again. Just like Ephesians 2 (MSG) says:

1 It wasn't so long ago that you were mired in that old stagnant life of sin. 2 You let the world, which doesn't know the first thing about living, tell you how to live. You filled your lungs with polluted unbelief, and then exhaled disobedience. 3 We all did it, all of us doing what we felt like doing, when we felt like doing it, all of us in the same boat. It's a wonder God didn't lose his temper and do away with the whole lot of us. 4 Instead, immense in mercy and with an incredible love, 5 he embraced us. He took our sin-dead lives and made us alive in Christ. He did all this on his own, with no help from us!

Once God showed me that my life was uncontrollable on my own and turning it all over to Him was what was needed, God started the process of change. I often think of it like a garden, with seasons, flowers, weeds, drought, watering, and a great amount of time spent “tending” to. It’s only through Him is this process of change doable and even successful.

The progression has taken years and with many difficult and different aspects; from one small group to the next support group, to a healing bible study, to a lesson on forgiveness, to sacrificing dreams, and to compassion for the lost. It was all part of His perfect plan for this life that He has graciously given to me.

All this to say, (again) His redemption is generous and my messy life is His message.

Through those years of “tending” and “groups” I God gave me assurances of His redemption over areas of my life. They are glimpses of all the treasures we will receive in heaven and more.

Today one of those promises was brought full circle (until heaven that is). The trauma I once faced and the pain I always felt when thinking about my children was always a source of great pain and incomplete redemption. I was tortured in my mind and heart and letting God into that broken place was even harder. A couple weeks ago I was at a retreat where we were called to be in communication with God about surrender and if God was calling me to give something over to Him. Through many unbelievable “God moments” and awakenings of my heart I was called to surrender “control”. I don’t exactly know what that looks like to the fullest or even what I am supposed to do with that. But God is walking me through it – plus, if I knew, then I would try to control it. As a result, I am open to hearing God in a new way that calls me to do things I was closed to doing before.

Just today through a series of unfortunate events and God kindness (to help me stay in good spirits). I felt His tender nudging as I occasionally do to make a trip to a garden, which I purposely never made time to visit before.

This garden has a beautiful name.

It has a beautiful purpose.

This garden is not only a memorial but also a place of healing.

It was God designed.

This garden is a place where grace, mercy, and love are poured out often for those who visit out of pain, suffering, healing, and even redemption.

It’s a place for grieving.

This garden is not a “normal” flower garden but one that is watered by tears shed for children who died before birth.

My children’s names are engraved in stone there.

It’s “Naomi’s Garden”

Through this process of change, God has given me what I have needed, when I have needed it, even the smallest things.

When I felt the nudging to visit the garden for the first time, it was a familure nudge that this time I wasn’t willing to ignore. It wasn’t in my schedule, it wasn’t something I planned but since the “unfortunate events” occurred I had the time to do something I had avoided.

Months ago, when I was notified that the names had been engraved I quickly told myself, “It’s done, and you now have peace from the torment.” Which was partly true since God had just walked me though the healing process (last year) but it wasn’t finished.

As I drove up the garden path, my heart raced and my mouth was dry. I felt “justified” in just driving by but I knew God had more for me. I got out of the car, walked down the path and around the corner to the garden surrounded by water. There was a stone at the entrance, which read:

“Blessed are those who grieve, for God will comfort them”

Matthew 5:4

FOR THE GLORY OF GOD,

THE GIVER OF ALL LIFE,

THIS GARDEN IS DEDICATED

IN MEMORY OF PRECIOUS BABIES

SADLY LOST THROUGH ABORTION

OR OTHER TRAGEDY.

MAY THIS BE A PLACE OF COMFORT

FOR THOSE WHO GRIEVE.

In the center of the garden is a stone with a pool of water in the center of the top. On the sides of the stone are names of babies or parents of those who have died.

The garden is beautiful.

I got on my knees and thanked the Lord Jesus for all the precious gifts I have in this life. A wonderful husband, a great family both by birth and marriage, a community of believers who love me for me and share in growing closer to God together, and for all those who have impacted my life in good ways and ways that direct me to Jesus. I have been blessed!

I thanked God for having forgivness as a habit and for the GENEROUS REDEMPTION I have received.

Although I am in this story, it’s a story about Jesus and his undeniable grace and love He has shown me.

This is not the end of this story… just another chapter.

Thank YOU Jesus!

Excerpt from...

2011-02-17T09:16:00.001-08:00

My faith: When the fat girl kissed sweets goodbye

1. You are more than a sum total of your taste buds. Remind yourself when you think you want that unhealthy food option that only your taste buds want that. Your heart doesn't crave that candy bar. Your arms don't desire those french fries. Your brain doesn't need those chips. Your hiney doesn't want that cheesecake.

Only your taste buds want that. So let your arms, brain, heart, hiney, and the whole of who you are boss your taste buds around.

2. Nothing tastes as good as peace feels. As a Christian I believe God made us to walk in His peace. You were made to consume food but food was never supposed to consume you. Of all the things Jesus provided for us, peace was first on His list!

"Peace I leave you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid," (John 14: 26-27).

Ask yourself, "Is this food option going to add to my peace or take away from it? Is an indulgence in a holiday of sweets going to trouble my heart in retrospect? Remind yourself when facing each food choice, "nothing tastes as good as peace feels!"

3. The scale can measure your physical weight but never your worth as a person.Do you know that? I mean do you know it the second you step on that scale and start calling yourself names you'd never let other people call you?

Here's a little activity I want you to do this week. Go get some sticky notes. Write these words on them: beautiful, courageous, able and victorious.

Now, put these notes over the numbers on your scale and for the next five days, receive only the truth when you step on that scale.

For this week measure your progress by asking yourself these questions: Did I make healthy choices with my food this week? Did I eat for comfort instead of eating for nourishment?

Did I exercise my body and celebrate being able to do so?

If the answers are yes, I don't need the scale to affirm that this week.

WEIGHT LOSS ~ 2010 - Hiccups & 2011 - Plans, Dreams, and Goals

2011-01-14T11:40:00.000-08:00

I can't help but admit to the lack of self-control, will-power, and determination that I have had over the last few months and even year and half. I am going to be completely honest with my mishaps over the last while because without true reflection I can't get real about what I really want and how to get there.

· I started over 17 times in 2010 year and twice so far this year. That is MORE then once a month.

· I constantly say, Ill do better tomorrow and never stick to my word.

· I gain back little by little of my 60+ lbs loss from 2009.

· I promised to do this and that and never followed through.

· I committed to running races which ended in me walking them because I didn't train.

· I tell others I am doing this thing and sneak food when no one is looking.

· I share with others my plans for success and avoid the topic completely when I see them the next time.

· I teamed up with my mom to get on track and constantly let her down and feel guilty at most weight in (where she drives over 50 miles to be with me).

· I submit to someone else in telling them I need help and after a week or so, they stop asking and I stop sharing.

· I met with ladies each week to talk weight loss with hardly anything to report or talk about.

I desire to be a woman of my word and a person of solid loyalty to my dreams and needs. I want to sit here and make a list of the things I am going to achieve this year but I can't its too daunting given my recent and long term history. So… I am going to set ONE short term GOAL, with an action plan to achieve that goal.

COMMITMENT =

1. Responsibility – something that takes up time or energy, especially an obligation.

2. Loyalty – a devotion or dedication

This word couldn't be more true! This journey to health and fitness takes time, energy, and an obligation with devotion and dedication.

Guidelines for my current and future goal setting.

1. It must be written in positive form.

2. Cannot use words: No, Cannot, Must, Only, Should or never.

Tomorrow I am going to weigh in (which isn't going to be pretty) and my ONE short term GOAL for this week is:

Go back to Week 1 of Weight Watches Points Plus and follow the guidelines listed.

1. Take a before picture

2. Track what I eat

~~3. Plan the best weight loss strategy for me~~

~~4. Build my favorites~~

~~5. Clean out fridge and cupboards, and fill them with healthy foods.~~

I have already completed 3, 4, and 5.

I know this sounds super basic – but when you have had as much malfunction as me in a year and a half's time, you would need basic too.

I have made the tough choice to RESET my WW profile settings. Seeing the past failures were overwhelming.

I have some long term goals that I DREAM of achieving but today I am only focusing on Week 1 of WW basic principles.

2011 Goals:

· Lose weight

· Be more fit

· Run ½ Marathon

· ???Full Marathon???

When stress, disappointment, discouragement comes my way (because it will), I am going to reach out and talk to my weight loss friends and/or make a list of all the things that I feel are causing this problem/hiccup.

I want to be successful – but my actions show otherwise. Today I am putting words to my battle, but I am not prepared for WAR! I will be taking prisoners and I will be shooting to hit my PAST my goals!

Thank you for being patient with me.

Life These Days

2010-12-01T13:27:00.001-08:00

What a whirl wind I feel like the last few months have been! Life has really been good – it isn't without it's struggles but I am blessed.

My Weight Loss

In the last few months I have been meeting with a WONDERFUL group of ladies and going through a book called "Love to Eat, Hate to Eat" by Elyse Fitzpatrick about how over eating is a sin of gluttony. Its about learning to turn and lean on God for the support we need to get through those difficult choices in life (in regards to food). In the last 3 months I have lost 7.2 lbs – which is slow but I am still on my way.

I am back on track with running again and I can't wait for the runs I have planned this year. I am going to beat my last years running goals with new ones and hope to drop to pounds along the way.

Weight Watchers has a new face lift and its been really fun getting to know the new program. It feels like a new beginning and I'm excited to be on track with my goals. First goal – loss 10lbs byJanuary 1^st.

Pregnancy Resource Center

My time at PRC so far has been challenging and rewarding. The difficulties are of my flesh wanting to just be prideful, and in control. There have been some difficult situations that really made me wonder what I was doing at PRC but I knew that God had a plan and pushing through was just what was required, regardless of how uncomfortable I felt.

For example, 3 weeks ago I was asked to see a client that spoke very little English and it was assumed she spoke more then she did. When I met with the client to ask her the normal intake questions, she was having a very hard time understanding me – (in addition to having our center director in the room with me, shadowing my work). This was extremely difficult because I felt like I was the least experienced person to handle the situation and I felt that someone else could have been a better fit because others at PRC speak some Spanish. I left that day in tears asking God why? Why, was I put in that situation? Why, didn't our center director rescue me since she knew some Spanish? Why, did they think I could do it when I obviously couldn't? Why, am I even doing this? It was a pretty rough place. I called and talked to a girlfriend and she reminded me of all the things God has revealed to me and the story I have because of God's goodness. I was refocused on our Lord but struggled for the next 2 weeks wondering and thinking that I couldn't do it and maybe I wasn't called to this ministry and got my God's messages mixed up.

But…. I saw God moving this week like never before. Last week I saw one client (scared to death) and got cleared to see clients on my own. When I arrived yesterday it had been a slow morning and I didn't expect much in way of clients coming in. I started with my follow-up and called a couple of my girls.

--- Then I started alphabetizing and filing and just when I thought I was going to run out of things to do, the bells on the front door started to ring. I put the files down and started to pray, that God would give me the words to say and that I would hear him clearly. I wanted nothing more then just do what God has called me to and to be obedient in what he wants me to say.

--- My first client was a sweet, non-Christian girl who was worried she could be pregnant, she was not but we had a nice chat about her current relationship. It was a good and "easy" client.

--- Then when I was finished I saw another client who was quiet but excited to see if she was pregnant. She was newly married and couldn't hold her excitement in for her first born. She was pregnant and I gave her lots of info about prenatal and parenting classes, ways to have a healthy pregnancy, the fetal development booklet that tracks the growth of her baby, and a gift of booties to celebrate her pregnancy. It was very heart warming to feel her excitement.

--- Then there was another client… this particular client has changed my view on what I am really doing at PRC – GOD'S WORK!! Not my work, not my comfortably in the work, not to achieve a particular feeling and not to do what I have "thought" I would do at PRC. But to be God's hands, feet, and voice – in this dark sinful world. I went into this client already feeling empowered by the Holy Spirit because of all the blessings in the words He had given me in the past 2 clients. I was calm, I listened, I asked the questions from the intake form and after getting the positive test back we talked about how she was feeling the pressures of her boyfriend to have an abortion. I could tell that the thought of abortion made her uneasy as she had previously used the abortion pill and didn't want to talk or think much about it. I offered her an ultra sound and after looking through the appointment book – there was nothing that fit her schedule. We just happen to have our nurse on site and she had an ultra sound client who didn't show, so after asking a couple times, she was able to get right in for an ultrasound. I was able to be the advocate for this client as she received her ultrasound and seeing her little babies heart beating on the screen was life changing. My heart went out to this girl and her baby like I had never felt before. It was as if God filled my heart with His love for this girl and baby and I so badly wanted to hold her hand and cry. I wanted to pour that love over her like syrup so she could never be free from it – like the stickiness of syrup. Those were the last moments I spent with her as she saw her baby on the screen. I will call her Tuesday next week, but other then that, we have done the job God has called us to do. I pray for her hourly and sometimes every min. I hope she felt at least some of the love I felt for her, but if she didn't, I ask God to keep her safe, calm, and clearheaded as she moves farther along in her pregnancy. My life will forever be changed by that moment.

--- Somehow in there somewhere I met another client and her husband about getting a stroller. It was a wonderful day at PRC.

I will have more stories to come, hard ones and easy ones. But nonetheless, stories shaped by the love of God.

1/2 Marathon Training - DAY 1

2010-11-04T20:51:00.001-07:00

I have chosen to start training again. I hope I can stick with it but here is how DAY 1 went.

WOW! How I have forgotten the difficulties of running... or should I say the torture of running.

I started out at curves today, did my 30 min of circuit training and then off to 24 hour fitness for running.

The running didn't start well as I found myself on a broken treadmill (that was probably the only one) that would speed up and slow down based on where I put my weight. I am really lucky I didn't get hurt.

So, I switched treadmills and was off to my warm-up walk of 5 min. Easy pace! Then I was to start my 6 min of running. Now this isn't just any old running - they said to run at 1 min a mile faster then the pace I wanted to do my marathon at. So, since I want to run a 12:30min mile on race day, my six minutes was to be at 11:30 min miles. Let me assure you... this pace is VERY fast for me. I was feeling death by min 2 and couldn't think about anything other then the burn in my stomach, back, and throat. I wanted to quit. I wanted to say, Ill do better next time... but I didn't I pushed through and sure enough I escaped death once more.

They give you a 3 min slower pace to walk or jog... walking was difficult at this point so I didn't even try to keep running. 3 min of walking sure goes much faster then running... why is that?

6 min of running was again knocking on my doorstep and I was not going to give up now. I only had 2 more sets to go and I wanted so badly to have a good report here on my blog. So... this time, the body burning start only after a min in and the chanting shortly followed, "you can do it." "You are an ATHLETE" "Think of the goal, the prize, the achievement - or dirty jobs (which was playing on TV 2)." I let my mind wander to the cow giving birth on dirty jobs and was feeling sorry for myself saying my pain is WAY worse the the pain that momma cow is going through right now. Oh how silly I sound on that treadmill! But I did it... now 3 min rest...

Then before I could catch my breath fully, the arrogant jerk on my iPod told me to run again. I wanted to punch him, but instead I ran... I have never experienced Chinese water torture but I was sure that it somehow compared. The 6 min took what felt like days to end and at this point I was so vain, to think "I hope I have sweated through my shirt so everyone knows how hard I worked." but in the 5 min walk that followed, I learned that it wasn't about them, I could do this and I am stronger then I EVER give myself credit for. I am and ATHLETE!

Till next time, when my rants will probably be just ask pitiful, enjoy the ride... its fun when you push yourself.

Girlfriends 1/2 Marathon

2010-10-19T08:29:00.001-07:00

Ok… I am going to keep it real. I signed up for this event 2 years ago. Last year I didn't have anyone to do it with and hadn't trained like I had hoped so I postponed till the next year. Well, this year I felt I was prepared, I had recruited my good-dear friend Kim to run it with me and she recruited her sister Camille as well. I had backups in place. Well… again, summer hit and my training slowed and finally stopped. A month ago I tried to postpone the event again but I had waited too long and couldn't. I was going to just pick up my goodie bag and chalk it up to me just not being motivated enough. Well… Kim and I have both been busy and seeing each other had gotten more and more difficult. I had gone out of town to my parents for the weekend and Saturday I got "the" text from Kim "R u coming out to support my sis & I tom. @ girlfriends???" well, at first I was trying to figure out how to explain that I was out of town and then I started thinking about how I could go and support, but then I thought "why don't you try?"

– so I texted Kim back and asked if she was walking it (we were going to run it when she signed up), she said that they were going to walk it and I thought I could maybe try to do a few miles. I hadn't been working out and had JUST started over again with my weight loss. Kim had arranged to have our friend Shari support her and her sister since Shari had an injury and could participate as planned. So, Shari was going to be at miles 3, 6, 10 so if I couldn't make it, I could jump in the car with her. Well… here is how it all went.

COURSE: Vancouver, WA - http://www.gmap-pedometer.com/?r=4113095

I woke up at 6am to get dressed and head to the start because I needed to pick up my race packet. Race starts at 9am so we went to starbucks and enjoyed a coffee and bagel. We had some time to just relax in the car near the start and went to the bathroom. I met up with my girls just before 9amand we waited for the start. We saw some people from church (Sidney and Shelea) and we were off. We started in downtown Vancouver, walked down to the water (under the interstate bridge) and along the water on Columbia way. At mile 2 we see the first place runner on the other side of the street (she was on mile 7 – WOW!) @ mile 3 we saw Shari, we dropped some stuff with her, got a snack and back on the road. We walked and talked along the water. The sun was finally out and layers were no longer needed. At winter park we turned around and headed back to Fort Vancouver. At this point I broke away, running/walking and hit a bathroom. I saw the ladies one last time at mile 7 when I broke away for good (after taking some ibuprophen). Once we crossed under the railroad tracks and headed through Fort Vancouver Historic district (mile 9) the race got increasingly more difficult, my feet were started to throb from the pain and my chest started hurting. I was reminded to take big deep breaths which did fix the chest pain, but nothing would help my poor feet aside from sitting. I did spurts of running to get the pressure off my feet and to get through the race faster. At mile 10 I only stopped for some body glide (thanks to Shari) for my bra because it started chafing. Then off again. 3.1 miles to go and I was almost out of energy. I turned on my iPod and gospel music got me through. Between mile 11 and 12 there was the only real significant hill, it was about ½ mile long and at this point felt like torture. I knew I was getting close to the finish and quitting by now was NOT an option. I would have finished even if my legs fell off. There were lots of spectators cheering us on and it was encouraging. When I got to downtown, I saw Jake and a smile easily came as I could see the finish! It was a wonderful feeling. I did it, 3 hours 48 minutes. WOW! Next year I hope to shave 30 minutes off my time. This race is my new favorite, the support was amazing and honestly, I couldn't have finished if it weren't for Shari's mileage support. This is now a MUST HAVE!

A special thanks and shout out to Camille, If it weren't for you I wouldn't have done it and I am so grateful!! Thank you!

Season of Growth

2010-09-20T08:42:00.000-07:00

After the time I spent going through HEART and the difficult time I have had at work. I have tried just checking out and this has proved even more difficult then the drudgery of life. I don't want to just go through the motions, I want to continually grow and become a better person – from the inside out.

I've been reading The Discipline of Graceand its really amazing. "To preach the gospel to yourself, then, means that you continually face up to your own sinfulness and then flee to Jesus through faith in His shed blood and righteous life. It means that you appropriate, again by faith, the fact that Jesus fully satisfied the law of God, that He is your propitiation, and that God's holy wrath is no longer directed toward you." He later says,"This is the gospel by which we were saved, and it is the gospel by which we must live every day of our Christian lives…If you are not firmly rooted in the gospel and have not learned to preach it to yourself every day, you will soon become discouraged and will slack off in your pursuit of holiness."

I've also been studying Galatians with some SOLID women from my church. It really amazing how much the bible applies to our daily life and that we can live out the Gospel daily.

Volunteering at Pregnancy Resource Center has been amazing. The women I serve with are so amazing and such women of God. Their openness to God and their choices to be vessels of God's work here in this world is motivating and encouraging. I constantly feel inadequate and small but I know God has me there for a purpose. I am just a few days from being fully trained and I fear seeing clients on my own but I have faith that God will be with me and walk me through it.

I have also accepted an offer with a friend to be prayer partners. We are going to spend at least one day a week in prayer for our friends, family, life events, and anything else that God puts on our hearts. As prayer has always been a struggle for me, I look forward to spending time with God and in fellowship with Annie.

In addition to all these things, I am working on losing weight again, but with a few new perspectives. Eating whole foods and reflection. I am working on eating whole foods which means limiting my intake of processed foods (since they cause me to have crazy cravings and withdrawal symptoms) mostly means lots of fruits and veggies, meats, and dairy. Reflection meaning that when I want to eat or drink things I shouldn't to reflect, pray, and ask important questions. To not let food happen to me and to eat to live, not live to eat. Fitness has been difficult to fit in and I just don't see to have the drive to do it. But Ill get there eventually.

Check out a friend of mines blog: its good stuff The View From in Here

Life....

2010-07-15T12:58:00.001-07:00

Life has been a whirlwind lately. Just the thought of all that has to be done makes me dizzy! So… ill take this blog one step at a time.

1. I have been approved and accepted to take a volunteer position at Pregnancy Resource Center and will start August 3^rd. I look forward to this new opportunity to spread the gospel with the message that has been made out of my mess from the past. I hope to impart God's love and forgiveness to the men and women who come into the clinic and I pray that God will use me in a mighty way. When I think about the lives I will soon touch I am overwhelmed at the thought that God is going to use me, but I am faithful that HE will see me through and with work through me.

2. I am still in the payroll department at my work (going on 9 weeks now) and I am STILL way over my head. The stress has been barely manageable and the my life has been turned upside down because of it. I don't have the energy at the end of the day to do my normal tasks and unfortunately I just seem to eat my stress away.

3. Jake and I have chosen to move back into the Portland area after paying off all our debt. We are hoping to still save for a house in a little apartment we will soon call home. We will live close to 90^th and Glisan and can't wait to save at least 20 min off our drive to work and most social events.

4. My weight loss has turned into weight gain as the stress and business has run me over. Once our move has taken place and we can get settled I am getting back on track and hoping to start riding my bike to work or at least home 2 times a week.

5. Jake is going to Germany the last week in August to see one of his best friends get married and this I hope will be a time for me to get settled into our new home and get things put away (as if I am not going to be unpacked before the end of the weekend).

These are the current happenings in my life. Nothing to write home about, but not too boring either. I can't wait for this next chapter in our lives.

HEART: Closing Thoughts

2010-06-15T15:04:00.000-07:00

Last Monday was my last HEART group and yesterday was my exit interview. My feelings are bitter sweet and the last group was wonderful. We spent some time loving on each other with gifts and kind words. The exit interview was great. They told me that I did well and that I was "cleared" to volunteer at PRC (Pregnancy Resource Center) once I have completed the training. They told me that they think I would benefit from exploring more relevant areas of struggle (through prayer healing and bible studies) such as, sexual ties and occult healing – which I am not too sure about. They have caused me to stretch and learn more about what God is calling me to do but I am open to His leading no matter where that takes me.

Overall I feel the group was a huge benefit. Would I recommend it? Probably, but with a huge warning like cigarettes have…. Lol, just kidding. It's really something you have to be willing to put ALL your energy into. Its not a weekly bible study to just learn ways of overcoming this abortion issue. It's like wanting to plant a garden where weeds and crab grass have taken over – only God is our perfect gardener and he never gets tired of pulling the weeds. We only have to be willing to let him do the work in us and through us.

As far as my feelings go, I have felt like I can't really think about it all because I don't have the time and energy. So, NOW I am making the time, just putting this writing off is only putting off the closer and feelings I need to feel to move forward. They are feelings of JOY and excitement for what God is going to do in my life. He promises to use us if we let him and I am willing and ready. I think often about my plans for the future and how volunteering at PRC and what that might be like. I want nothing more then for people to see Christ through me and my actions and God into a personal deep relationship with him. I only fear I will get in the way of God's perfect plan and my "humanness" will hinder the plans he has for those out there. But then how powerful would our God be if I could get in His way? I need to see that he is using me, I am not to use him. Its not my message – its HIS. It's what I can do for God, not what God can do for me. I only need to listen to his quiet voice and learn to lean on His understanding and not my own. I want to pray more because I need to know his desires more. I want to spend more time in his word, because I am in love with my creator. It has been a long time coming but I am truly learning to see God as he should be seen, like a father who loves us so deeply that nothing can separate us from his love. I mean we say this all the time and its one of the bibles MOST used verses, but if you truly think about it, NOTHING – no sin of any kind, no disconnection in our relationship, no lack of prayer, no daily reading of my bible, and no doings on my part can separate us from the LOVE of God.

I would also say that the group was one of the most difficult things I have gone through and stuck with. I really wasn't sure if I was going to make it through and complete the support group but I did. Mostly because of people praying for me and because God gave me what was needed to go on each week.

So, where do I go from here? Well, I have started another book study with the girls at my church. "The Gospel of Ruth" by Carolyn James and in August I will go through the PRC training, and shortly after that (and maybe before) I will start working at PRC part time. Probably on Tuesday's. I look forward to learning and growing more and this is only the beginning for me. I also think I might take the HEART group again in the future and maybe sometime lead a group or two. Only God knows the plan he has for me – but I know I am ready to be used.

I am ready to answer any questions you might have about this healing process. Do you have any?

Life Update - June 15, 2010

2010-06-15T14:50:00.000-07:00

Wow… it feels like its been forever and truly it's been a while since I have had the time to write. Work has been beyond stressful and I am going to have to learn to manage it better because the stress doesn't look like it's going to ease up for a while. I have been working in payroll for almost 4 weeks because a co-worker has been very ill and in the hospital. I pray he has a speedy recovery and feels better soon. If you would be praying for him as well, it would be appreciated.

Aside from work, life has been busy. I am back in the gym and eating right again. I have been exercising at least 60 min a day and I have a new spin class that I love on Tuesday and Thursday mornings at 5:30am. On the other days I bike, run, swim, or walk. I am not very confident that it will last, I have been yo-yo eating right for a year now and doing it long terms seems do able till I have a bad moment. I am hoping to stay active and eating right is just a bonus. Healthy living is the goal and pounds lost are just the bonus.

We have been backpacking and enjoying life.

Three weeks ago we tried to go backpacking in the Clackamas river gorge and the trail we had planned to hike was under snow pack and we couldn't get there. So, after driving around for about 4 hours looking for a trail to hike, we gave up and found a site just off the road on the Roaring River just before it "T's" into the Clackamas River. Although our trip didn't work out the way we had intended. We had a great time being together and enjoying each others company. Leaving all the modern household items behind has really been fun.

This last weekend we went to the Salmon River Trail and enjoyed a SHORT hike to a man made campsite just below a road. This isn't our ideal situation but driving around looking for a better one didn't sound like a good idea either. We made camp and enjoy one night of wilderness and no modern conveniences. Our ideal backpacking trip is 5-7 miles hike in and then a couple nights of being out in the wilderness and then 5-7 miles hike out. We would love to camp where we can see large open views of beauty and not just a riverside camping place. We want the adventure of a LONG hike, burning calories, and the accomplishment of the hard work rewarded with beauty.

Next trip July 23-25!!!

HEART: Acceptance (Letters to Children)

2010-05-27T14:10:00.001-07:00

This week has been full of UPS and DOWNS. Nothing is normal right now and the constant feelings of loss and growth overwhelms me often. I look forward to the end of this journey but I know that will only mean another jouney will be in my path soon. A friend of mine (who will remain nameless) told me this which touched my heart in a way I hadn't seen this journey before, it was a blessing from out Lord: "I was weeding the other day, helping an old lady out, and you came to my mind. The weeding was tedious. It was annoying. My back and legs and arms hurt. The big weeds, the ones that were huge and noticeable were by far the easiest to remove, but the small ones, the ones that were maybe just getting uncovered by the dirt, the kind they were, etc. were so difficult to get up and I was just wishing they would all come up as easy as the big ones.

The reason I thought of you in all this, because I kind of wondered if that is kind of what God is doing in your life right now. He is weeding out some things to make your garden beautiful and it is those small, unseen weeds that he is working on getting out, the big noticeable ones he already removed. Maybe in areas that you never saw issues, are all of a sudden arising because he is so gracious and loves you so much and wants to see you grow even more! It's tough, and painful, but in the end, the woman you are growing and becoming is amazing and the journey to get to that place where he wants you, you may not see the end now in the midst of the weeding, but when it is done, you will look and say "wow! I get it now!"

Group was pretty awesome, the air in the room wasn't as thick as it once was and the women were smiling more, enjoying dialogue and the growth was apparent. We started out listening to a recording of "God" reading alove letter to us. It was sort of cheesy but the meaning was powerful. Then we read ALOUD our letters to our babies. It was very strange.

Dearest Darren Zachary,

I wonder what words I can say to make you see that I "felt" I had no choice. It was never about you because if it was, I wouldn't have chosen to end your precious life. I cannot imagine how my life would be different today but I can tell you that I love you and I am sorry. When I think about the word sorry, it never seems big enough or has enough "oomph" to express the deep pain in my heart. I long to hold you close and tell you I am sorry through my touch and heart felt eyes. I know we well reunite in heaven in front of our almighty God and when that happens there will be no sorrow, regret or pain. It will be a time of joy, excitement, and celebration.

If I could see you today and tell you anything, I would tell you I love you and I wish I could have given you the chance to see the world. I would tell you that I still feel you are better off in heaven with our wonderful God and I would tell you that I wouldn't have been the mother I should have been. I would tell you that I still fell I make the best choice I could and that I am sorrier that I wouldn't take it back then I am about killing you. I feel guiltier and have more shame about my lack of wishing I could make a better choice then I do about the serious of sins that lead up to your slaughter. Again, I would tell you I feel you are better off.

I have faith that God has forgiven me and that he is holding you in his arms as I write this letter. I am convinced you are happy, exuberant, and enjoying the glories that heaven offers. I think about the beautiful songs you sing and the possible ways you worship our King. Your face is something I have never been able to imagine but I am sure you are beautiful and perfect in everyway.

I look forward to the day I get to hug you and tell you that your momma loves you. I am excited to worship our Father in heaven together and to share you with my husband and friends. I can't wait to hear your voice and listen to the stories you might tell me. I am eager to see your smile and enjoy YOU!

God makes all his creations in HIS IMAGE and I can't wait to see his masterpiece in you.

Your always repenting mother,

Beth

Dear Renee Leanne,

Oh baby girl… what to say? Where to start? I'm sorry? I. am. sorry. Deeply sorry; that you were never given a chance, you were snuffed out before you were even allowed to breathe. You were sucked from my body at my choice. You were longing for a mother I couldn't be.

Truth is, I didn't want you. I believe you would not have had a good life with me. I would have damaged you with my drug addiction and constant need for men's attention. I wanted to give you life and your father bullied me in to killing you. I yielded to his pressure and did not think about you.

I can not imagine what you look like of even that you might have some of my features. Aside from all of that I know you are beautiful and I know you are perfect in every way. Your smile will melt me and your songs to the Father will ignite my heart with joy.

The thought of you breaks my heart but only because I know I am missing out… not because I feel I would make a different choice. I don't believe I would have been a good mother and you being with God the Father is so much better for you then you being entrusted to my care.

I hope you are with your brother (Darren Zachary)… I hope he is loving on you and holding you like I would. I pray he is the big brother he should be to you and that you find comfort in his presents. The day I get to see you both will be better the Christmas and more joyful then my wedding. To hold you both will bring me so much joy that I will probably fall to the ground in tears.

I think about all that I have missed out in not getting to share my life with you and I am sorry for that. I can't take it back but I hope you know I love you. I know you have forgiven me like our Lord and Savior has and I am thankful for the new mercies he gives daily. I am a frail and weak woman who longs to be with you someday. Remember I love you and I can't wait to hold you close and be the mother I should have been on earth.

Your broken, but forgiven mother,

Beth

At first I thought these letters really depicted how I felt but when I read them aloud I was angry. I was angry at myself for having such little faith in me and how badly I look at myself. It was like a window into my soul and how I feel about me. I really see nothing more then failure.

This dishonesty is destroying me. This is a weed with DEEP roots. I am going to work hard to pull this one up in the days and weeks to come, by reading my bible more and spending time with God – LISTENING.

HEART: Homework Anger/Forgiveness

2010-05-27T13:51:00.001-07:00

Monday, I worked on the last little bit of my lengthy amount of homework and FINALLY finished it on Monday afternoon. I could honestly feel the repression being elevated off my shoulders as I finished my last letters and waited by the printer for them to come out. A small smile came across my face as I realized God had come through for me in a big way. I really didn't think I could do all the homework and last Monday after class I asked God to just please make time throughout the week because if I wait till the last min for it all I wouldn't get it done, and he did. I only had two more letters to write on Monday afternoon and the smile came easy as the burden was GONE!

One of my letters that I was dragging my feet about was: Forgiving myself but first I will post the emotion letter that I wrote a week ago for homework – this letter is to help reveal and release the feelings we have had for a LONG time:

Dear Beth,

I remember how joyful you use to be.

I remember how easily you made friends.

I remember how nothing stood in the way of what you wanted.

I remember how curious you were to learn.

I remember your smile – because you ware it often.

I remember when you use to sing yourself to sleep.

And I remember you before you chose to end the lives of your precious little children.

What happened to you? Why did you chose this life of destruction and sin? Was God's love not enough? Did you not know how much you were loved? Your choices disgust me and your excuses of them make me sick. You were given all you needed to survive but yet you looked out side your home for what you thought was love and acceptance. You can't make excuses for all the pain you have felt and you can't make up for a bad choices with another bad choice. You had options, though you didn't see them. You could have opened up other women in the church. You could have picked up sports to get through. You chose to be this girl who would sleep around, get pregnant and then kill your babies. And for that choice alone you were scared more deep then any other choices put together. After that day you were left empty, lost, and cold. Your way of coping was to push everyone at arms length and not let a single soul in. You quickly picked up an alcohol problem, in addition to exploring a relationship with a woman, you chose to sleep with more and more men, while drugs were a common persuader. You didn't care who hurt you and you didn't really mind being walked on. You only wanted to "feel" love in the way it was taught to you. All the while knowing your ways were sinful. You tried to get your life together on more then one occasion but still you were drawn to the unhealthy love you were taught as a teenager. Your life would unravel on more then one occasion and you would cry out to God when things got really hard. Your "rock bottom" seemed to be bottomless UNTIL you had no where to live, no possession (but a car and clothes), no friends, and a family who was skeptical of your every interactions. You had no one to blame but yourself and you knew it. You wanted to die but Christ came to you in a tangible way by showing you that he already die so you could live.

Upon your enrollment in job corps you learned of your second pregnancy. You were bound and determined to make the "right" choice by giving your baby up for adoption but the father disagreed and you allowed the man in your life to dominate over you once again. You used the knowledge of Christ's forgiveness as a tool and would soon regret the choice you made. Your choice to abort a 2^nd time was again NOT the easy fix you had thought it would be. You again started drinking and were almost kicked out of school, until you remembered how Christ came to you in a tangible way and you AGAIN chose to starting living your life for him. You still struggled on and off with alcohol but you started living for Christ. He was faithful to see you through.

Your choices make me sad, now. That you didn't know the truth about how badly these abortions would affect your life but I am thankful and excited for the life you will lead and how you are going to help other women in your shoes. God will use these tragedies to better His kingdom and they will be used for His good.

Forever changing,

Beth

At 5pm on Saturday I really felt under attack AGAIN! I called out to two friends and the two responses I got were AMAZING! This is what I wrote to them: I'm so frustrated. I already moody because the day has not gone as planned and I am feeling complete weird about God right now. I believe I'm again under attack. I couldn't focus at the library, too tired to meet with a friend at 4 and now I am trying to do some homework and feeling what is the point in trying to be sin free. It's pointless we are always going to sin. Paul even said "I do what I don't want to do." so those nagging thoughts about what's the point keep bugging! Really.... What is the point? I'm always going to sin but yet the bible makes it clear we can chose to not sin...but I don't believe that is possible. I'm too weak and don't see it getting any better. Maybe I'm not really a Christian, maybe I'm wanting to be something I am not. – Beth

Annie's response was spot on – She told me to go read Psalms 51 and that is says that obedience (sin-less-ness) is not what is most desired by God, brokenness is. She told me to start there, so I did. Then she said, to lay my brokenness at the foot of the cross and obedience, sin-less-ness are great things to seek after, impossible on our own. And really she said, maybe "What is the point?" is what you are to be asking. So, I asked the Lord.

Then MJ, had her way with words, as she always does and RIPPED into me (in a good way – in a way I needed): beth, my love,

nobody ever said the goal was for you to be "sin free." the goal is to be free from sin, free from fear that you will be condemned because of the sin that is always in you. it is the freedom that makes it possible for us to approach the throne of grace without becoming toast. it is the freedom that can be aware of how filthy our own righteousness is and remember that God is bigger than our crappy righteousness, and that it's His job to cleanse us.

you got no liberty, girl. your problem right now is not that you sin. it's that you're not walking in the Spirit, which is, among other things, the Spirit of TRUTH. remember that truth is very different from facts or information. the enemy has no truth, so he gives you information and facts. you're eating them up like they're truth. they're not. you know they're not truth, because knowing them doesn't make you free, does it?

How many beautiful things are there in your life where there used to be ashes? Are you going to accept that they are there, and declare them good, or are you trying to turn them back into ashes by setting fire to them with your tongue?

YOU ARE WRONG ABOUT YOURSELF. YOU. ARE. WRONG. If you disagree with what He says about you and your life, YOU ARE WRONG!!! That is the truth. That is something you can stand on and move forward with. Don't you see that trying to stand on what you think about yourself is causing you to collapse? You're not falling because you're dumb, or unattractive, or sinful. You're falling because you're drawing conclusions about yourself and ignoring the conclusions God has come to. You're falling because you're not trying to hold onto THE ONE WHO IS ABLE TO KEEP YOU FROM FALLING.

Don't try to figure out why you do it. Just do something different than you FEEL like doing. Do something other than what you're used to doing. Your PRIDE is causing you to stand up in God's face and demand that He serve you by waving all your challenges of the flesh away like magic with no effort, and no faith on your part. He's KING OF KINGS. STOP TREATING HIM LIKE HE'S BURGER KING! You can't have this your way. You are in your own way. You are attacking yourself. GET IN GOD'S WAY. Let Him run you over. Aren't you tired of trying to run things?

I love you, Beth. Flail, scream, writhe in pain. I will let you. Cry, whimper, be afraid. I will pray for you and comfort you. What I won't let you do is lie to yourself. Stop that. Assume you've made a mistake if what you want to say will in any way condemn you, like the resurrection didn't happen. Jesus doesn't deserve that. If you're pissed off at Him, tell Him that. Deal with that. But He's not your whipping boy. Go boldly to the throne, but remember that it is a throne.

I love you, miche

These two ladies helped me to see that I was wrong all along… I need to see myself differently and not as a constant sinner/failure. Hearing from them helped me to write my forgiveness letter to myself because I had a new perspective on sin and truth.

Forgiveness letter:

Oh dear Beth!

I am so disappointed in the way that you see yourself I need you to know that I forgive you for the view. I forgive you for the horrible things you tell yourself and the horrible way you respond to things that don't go your way. I forgive you for not listening to God's voice when the devil's is only a nagging whisper. I forgive you for not calling out to your family and friends when you need help and I forgive you for being so selfish. I forgive you for making such bad choices in the past and I forgive you for not turning to God sooner.

I now must forgive you for the things you feel are unforgivable (even though you believe God has forgiven you). I now must tell you that you are forgiven for the two decisions that cause you constant pain and heart ache even when you didn't know it was caused by this. I now must forgive you for the choices you made out of fear and for self-preservation. I now forgive you for killing your two beautiful, helpless babies. Your first and your second child can never be reborn and you choices are permanent. But one thing is for sure, I am so proud of you for facing your skeletons and opening your bible, your mind, your heart and your spirit to this healing process. I forgive you for it taking you 10 years and I forgive you for the torment you caused yourself in waiting so long.

When you know better you do better and even your husband can see that you are doing so much better with each passing choice.

Remember always that story of the eight cow wife. You are worth so much more then you believe about yourself and your value is found in what Christ did for you, not how you were treated by people who have been hurt by sin like you have.

You have the choice now to learn from mistakes and make better choices. You have already been doing such a good job. Be proud of you and know that you are worth more then you could even imagine. Treat yourself as Christ treats you and love yourself like Christ loves you. Learn about love from Christ through the word of God and never stop growing. Your perseverance is contagious and your openness about your journey through life is impressive to others. Show them Christ through your actions and the way you treat yourself.

Discouragement and mistakes are inevitable; your reaction to it is all up to you. Bring glory to God through your response and when you repent be quick to forgiven yourself as Christ does. Your value is found in him… not your sins.

I am learning to love you, Beth

Good Place... "Healing"

2010-05-21T11:26:00.001-07:00

I just wanted to give you all an update. I am really doing well this week, although it's rough, I am surviving and have been working hard on keeping a positive attitude. I have been in payroll at work all week and even with as much stress as that brings into my life, I have been attentive to not letting it overwhelm my thoughts. I have been thinking about what I can do and leaving the rest to do when I can. I have also been struggling with eating healthy these days and I am just letting myself HAVE this time to grieve and not beat myself up over the few pounds that I can work off later. I have also felt less freaked out about most things and since last Thursday I have been working diligently to stop the negative tapes when they start. It's been pretty successful and I am encouraged that God is going to see me through this battle and even bring good out of it.

I still have so much homework to do but I have been doing a little each day and I have set aside 4 hours on Saturday to complete it. I have only completed 2 pages of the 8 in the book, still have 6 letters to write, naming both children, and letters to them.

As for names, I am thinking Carter, but I am trying to make it important and meaningful and not just names I like. I also have a dear friend who has looked into the memorial for the unborn garden at Good Sheppard in Boring, OR and they have two spots available, which are bricks with the names sandblasted on them. I hope to have a memorial sometime in the near future and visit this garden to say my apologies, read my letters to them and goodbye. Not sure how that will look and I really don't have any idea what emotions this will bring up, but just thinking about it makes me queasy.

I have been so blessed by the community I have been in. They truly love me and have been more supportive then I could have ever asked for. They don't push me into talking about it, they listen when I do want to talk, they let me be me and they let me grieve. Community is such a huge part of this process for me that I don't know how people do it without the help and support of Christ loving people.

I have been told by many of my close friends and blog readers that this material and my struggle to heal and find God is one that would be great in a book. I have been really thinking hard about this and wondering if anyone would really find my story one worth buying and reading. So, for now I will do as God calls me to do and for now that means blogging and soon to be volunteering at PRC (Pregnancy Resource Center). I long to be used by God and I trust that He is the one who places those desires in my hearts and is faithful to bring them to completion.

HEART: Forgiveness

2010-05-18T12:59:00.000-07:00

Yesterday's group was beyond me. I didn't finish all my homework due to my lack of "brain power" and the extreme emotions I was experiencing later in the week. I had such good intentions to getting to the homework and finishing my "forgiveness" letters but I just couldn't get them done.

We were asked to read our letters aloud and I felt immediate shame for not completing them. In writing them I wasn't sure I even doing "forgiveness" right. I didn't feel any changes in my heart and I really felt the anger all over again. But I did as the instructions said to do (for about 9 of them). As I heard other ladies in the group share their feelings about forgiveness and got to hear their letters; I felt so little. I wanted to just take their letters and write my name on them because what they often wrote was exactly what I was feeling but couldn't articulate. They had written them so well that I felt like a 2 year old in 1^st grade – wanted to take notes so that when I did finish my letters I could use their well worded phrases and words. But I sat there quietly, not taking notes and trying not to think about me, by praying for each of them, that their letters would sink into their hearts and release them from the anger and shame they once felt.

After the letters we then did an exercise that at first I thought was silly but now see I am still struggling with its symbolism. We were given 2 balloons and a sharpie. We were told to write on one balloon the things that are HARD to forgive and the other was the easier things to forgive. In writing on the easy balloon; I wrote things like: high school, babies fathers, God, a friend, and the clinic. The things I wrote on the hard balloon were: me, Beth, myself, Elizabeth, I, and even the church community. It was oblivious that the hard balloon were the letters I didn't yet write and the easy ones were the people and things I had forgiven already. We then went outside and were told to find a spot, pray and release the balloons to God (the sky). The easy balloon was just that… easy. The hard balloon, I had a hard time letting go of. I prayed that God would use this balloon to show me and remind me that I am giving myself and those things to HIM and that HE is going to have to do this work in me. I then held the very last edge of the ribbon connected to the hard balloon and held it as high in the air as I could reach and I just couldn't let my fingers let it go. I wanted to take the balloon inside and think about it some more. Why? I asked myself… what would thinking about give those things to God do? So, I prayed more that it would be HIS work… and I let go. I watched the balloon drift into the night sky as it got smaller and smaller. I didn't want to stop watching it. I wanted to watch it forever, I wanted to go with it, I wanted to chase after it and hold it a little longer, but I couldn't. It had already been released and I was now free to heal and forgive. Was I ready or even wanting this… no. But I am accepting of it and willing to see that the healing process has a purpose and a plan for my good.

After the balloon release we went back inside and my stomach was in knots. How could a silly illustration on how we are releasing our forgiveness of other to God get me so tied up? I didn't know but I tried not to think about it. We started talking about memorializing our dead children and how we can honor them. We were asked to name our children this week and we were told we needed to now write them a letter. My breathing quickened and my heart jumped into my throat. I wanted nothing more then to crawl into someone's lap and be held as I just cry and cry. These thoughts and feelings are not things that are NORMAL for me, these feelings of wanting to just let the "feelings" out are so new that I first tried stuffing them and remembered Saturday at church when I told God I was ready to "feel" everything that comes my way. So I took the lid off the stuff can and my breath quickened and my heart pounded. I didn't cry although I knew I could have if I had thought more about the names and letters I was going to have to write. I allowed my feelings of fear and dislike for the group to come but I didn't let them drive my actions or my choices. I wanted to throw up and I wanted to run away all the while wanting to be embraced with love. I let the feelings be what they were and I let myself feel them… which felt senseless and futile.

So…. I have at least 10 more "forgiveness" letters to write, plus the heart breaking homework or naming my 2 aborted babies and writing them letters. OUCH! I will be sharing those… so stay toned.

Life Update

2010-05-17T11:52:00.001-07:00

I need your prayer. My discouragement has hit a new high (or would it be low?) and I am feeling the need to pull back fully from all (which I know is irrational an why I am blogging).

Reasons why:

Thursday on our way camping I had the biggest meltdown of my life. I wanted to jump off a cliff and end it all. Yes... All! It was the most angry, frustrated, and out of control I have ever been. I feel like a constant sinner/failure and feel I will never get better at not sinning which makes me question why I even follow a God I can't obey. Please know that I am not EXPECTING perfection… just progress and in this area of my life (angry blowups and temper tantrums) I have seen NO growth.

Camping was relaxing once we arrived – Sat morning when the anger returned because I didn't want to go back to life.

Saturday night service was... Rough? Difficult? Raw? I think those are the best words to describe it. Although I feel it was a bipolar service because of the baby dedication and seeing Tim and Lauren so happy. All the while I am losing it on the inside. I cried out to God, leaned on a friend and told God I was ready to feel all the emotions I have suppressed all these years. I need a break through, I need God to TRANSFORM this frail, messed up, screw ball person we call Beth. Why I say, ask, and do these things is beyond me!!!! So… He is doing a work… one that is causing more pain, heart ache, and scaring then anything else.

Sunday morning I slept in – hoping to "recover" from the emotionally draining last few days – which didn't happen. I went to the library trying to get more of my homework done for my support group and only got a few pages done. Then my stomach became more and more twisted up with the thought of reading my "emotion letters" to my friends. @ 4pm I went to Jen's and only Jen and Andrea came (Kylie later) and having only 3 was good but painful. There were a few other ladies that said they would come and didn't; which I TRULY believe was God. Those feelings of hurt were from the devil and I have not allowed them the time of day to surface. I believe it was God that only the 3 were there because I have never been so emotional in my life. I couldn't talk at times, the tears (and snot) where like a waterfall and the pain I could feel in my soul. I was broken and truly blessed to hear my friends encourage me and love on me.

I also learned about the negative tapes that play in my head ALL THE TIME!!! They constantly tell me I am worthless, not important and that I ruin everyone's lives for even being apart. They tell me I am a constant failure and they question why I even exist. They tell me I am fat, ugly, and not worth anyone's time and when people don't show up for things I plan – I take it personally when it has nothing to do with the event but everything to do with how I am believing the lies in my head that I am worthless and that no one cares. I know these are lies, I know these are irrational and I know they are not from God but the truth is, I listen to them MORE often then I pray, read my bible and listen to God COMBINED! I saw all of this through a friend Sunday and for that I will be forever thankful to her. God used me in a big way I am still trying to figure out how and why… when I have the same nagging feelings and conversations in my own head. How can God use me when I am WAY more broken then her?

Now, this week I am in the DREADED hell hole of payroll… and I am stressed about, money for Jake's trip to Germany, I thought I was pregnant until this morning (3 days of fearing my life was about to END), now having my period, my mother in law is still in extreme pain, the wedding dress issue is on hold (as I wait for a new dress that I ordered last week – which should arrive June 9^th – 10 days before the wedding), the house is a total mess and I have gained 6lbs since 2 weeks ago and have no time to exercise. ARGH… the list does go on… but I must stop for my sanity.

So…. the update is…. I am completely and totally messed up BIG TIME. I need your prayers now more then ever and I truly need your encouragement. I am listening and I am ready to hear the truth. I am crying out to God myself and I am thankful for all of you.

The lies in my head are telling me that I am constantly this person who blogs about depressing issues and problems and that I am only complaining and that you are all getting tired of hearing how "wrecked" I am. So… please help me in telling me how this message meets you.

Thank you for all being so FAITHFUL to pray for me and love me in ways I could never ask for.

I know I say this a lot but I truly couldn't do this journey without you and I WOULD HAVE quit weeks ago.

I LOVE YOU, Beth

PS- I am still stayed dry (alcohol free) although the temptation have been enormous!

HEART: Depression

2010-05-13T10:49:00.001-07:00

Monday was one of those days that you wish you could dry erase and start fresh. I was extremely tired and the thought of having to go out in the world was beyond a miserable thought. The day progressively got more and more stressful because of all I have on my plate. I tried really hard not to think about the things that I can't do "right now" and tried to stay focused on what I can do. I had waited till the last min to do my homework for my Monday support group until the hours right before and it was so much work that it took me two and a half hours to finish and I was almost late to group. In addition to forgetting to order a dress for a wedding I am in (in 5 weeks) and some family stress because Jake's mother fell and needed 24 hour care.

Before my class I went to the library in Beaverton and tried really hard to focus only on my homework and I became under SEVERE spiritual attack. I couldn't get the thoughts of failure and despair out of my mind. I wanted to just focus on the Lord and prepare my heart for the group but the nagging thoughts of self-pity and anger became more then any other time I can remember. I called out to God and my friends for help and I was not relieved of this attack until I did more then just ask people to pray and TELL God I couldn't take much more. I opened the word of God and prayed as the homework told me to and something amazing happened.

The homework title was "Depression" and the scriptures were amazing (bolded were from homework – posted all for context).

1 Peter 5:6-11

6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, 7 casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. 8 Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.9 Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. 10 And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. 11 To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen.

Psalm 55

Give ear to my prayer, O God,
and hide not yourself from my plea for mercy!
2 Attend to me, and answer me;
I am restless in my complaint and I moan,
3 because of the noise of the enemy,
because of the oppression of the wicked.
For they drop trouble upon me,
and in anger they bear a grudge against me.

4 My heart is in anguish within me;
the terrors of death have fallen upon me.

5 Fear and trembling come upon me,
and horror overwhelms me.
6 And I say, "Oh, that I had wings like a dove!
I would fly away and be at rest;
7 yes, I would wander far away;
I would lodge in the wilderness; Selah
8 I would hurry to find a shelter
from the raging wind and tempest."

9 Destroy, O Lord, divide their tongues;
for I see violence and strife in the city.
10 Day and night they go around it
on its walls,
and iniquity and trouble are within it;
11 ruin is in its midst;
oppression and fraud
do not depart from its marketplace.

12 For it is not an enemy who taunts me—
then I could bear it;
it is not an adversary who deals insolently with me—
then I could hide from him.
13 But it is you, a man, my equal,
my companion, my familiar friend.
14 We used to take sweet counsel together;
within God's house we walked in the throng.
15 Let death steal over them;
let them go down to Sheol alive;
for evil is in their dwelling place and in their heart.

16 But I call to God,
and the Lord will save me.
17 Evening and morning and at noon
I utter my complaint and moan,
and he hears my voice.
18 He redeems my soul in safety
from the battle that I wage,
for many are arrayed against me.
19 God will give ear and humble them,
he who is enthroned from of old, Selah
because they do not change
and do not fear God.

20 My companion [2] stretched out his hand against his friends;
he violated his covenant.
21 His speech was smooth as butter,
yet war was in his heart;
his words were softer than oil,
yet they were drawn swords.

22 Cast your burden on the Lord,
and he will sustain you;
he will never permit
the righteous to be moved.

23 But you, O God, will cast them down
into the pit of destruction;
men of blood and treachery
shall not live out half their days.
But I will trust in you.

Philippians 4:4-9

4 Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. 5 Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand;6 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. 9 What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

It was as though the homework was written JUST for me in that moment…. I needed God to come through in a big way and he did. He doesn't take away our pain, anxiety, fears, or worldly stress… He calls us to OBEY Him in those times and tells us to throw our troubles on Him and He will support us. How great is our God…that he would help us… sinful… pain stricken people?!?! Pretty darn wonderful!

The week has gotten a little less stressful as I have ordered a dress that should arrive 1 week before the wedding, my mother-in-law is getting better with each passing day, and I have lots of time to still finish my homework. Speaking of homework… this week I will need extra prayer as we are going to be writing forgiveness letters (none of the letters I have written so far are meant to be sent and probably won't be) to all those we had written emotion letters to. Which wouldn't be so bad but we were also given the task of doing a worksheet/prayer for sexual ties (also known as soul ties) which will be a difficult task. We are going out of town this weekend and I plan to carve out some SOLID time to do this.

Backpacking - Weyerhaeuser Land

2010-05-10T14:43:00.001-07:00

It was Saturday morning when we woke up and got on the road to go for our first backpacking excursion. We drove up north to my parents property and left the car and all modern conveniences behind. At around noon we headed south on the private Weyerhaeuser logging road and turned west at the first "T." We were hiking, talking, and laughing. We looked at nature all round and talked about how far we were going to hike. Our packs were not too heavy since we were going only one night but we still felt a bit heavier. As we came to the second "T" in the road we went left sign read "1 >". The roads were really well maintained and the hiking seems easy. As we came to the third "T" we went left again sign read "26 >" and we think the red and green indicated how well the roads were maintained because after turning on to this road we could tell it hadn't been traveled in a long while. There were tons of little snails crossing over the road and it seemed that the animals enjoyed using the roads as well because finding animal poop was common. Just around the second bend we came to a small clearing where a creek crossed under the road. We took this open space as our home for the night and started to make camp (1.86 mile in @ 1:30pm). We set up the tent (for the first time – which proved to be challenging/fun) and as I was pulling out our sleeping bags, pillows and sleeping pads, Jake was down and the creek pumping water through our purifier for dinner, breakfast, and drinking. After getting water and sleeping set up, Jake gathered wood and I started on our meal.

I had bought a new chair thing – which holds my therm-a-rest sleeping pad and folds it into a chair. Well… this was the first time I had used the chair so I plopped down onto the ground and leaned back and OOPS… my feet went into the air and I was on my back. Jake and I were laughing hysterically and he saved the day my pushing my feet down to the ground… bet I won't do that again. Jake likes to rough it more then I do, so he didn't have a chair, but he enjoyed laying on a garbage back with his head on his pack.

We made a small fire that really didn't put off much heat but was fun to play with. Dinner was homemade dehydrated food (refried black beans, rice, veggies, soup mix, and bouillon cube) which was sooooo good! After dinner I went down to the creek and washed our dishes and I began to get sleepy. It was only 5pm… how could I be so tired. So, we got into bed and were asleep by 6pm. The rain rolled in for about an hour (sprinkling) and around midnight we got up to go potty. It was so pretty out and we hardly heard any noises from the woods. At this point I realized the pain in my back, hips, chest and neck. I had the hardest time getting back to sleep and woke every 30-45 min for the rest of the night because of the pain. Oh how sleeping on the ground makes you love your bed at home. We slept till 5am (11 hours!!) and Jake got up to start a fire and I stayed in the tent to get our bedding all rolled up and ready to pack. Once out of our tent I started breakfast (oatmeal and coffee) and then packed up slowly. I went down to the creek to rinse out our dishes and as I leaned on a branch to reach down to the water, I heard braches behind me and I called out to Jake. When we are down at the creek you can't see camp because its down in a lower area. Jake couldn't hear me at first and I went back to washing. But then I heard it again. I was FREAKED out. I yelled to Jake louder and ask I looked up to the bank and saw Jake I noticed that as I looked up I heard the noises again and it was the branch I was leaning on that was hitting another tree and the sound was bouncing off the steep bank. I was scaring myself! I laugh and laughed about this and won't ever forget it.

At 8:40am we started heading back the weather was perfect and the nature was amazing. One thing we didn't notice was the downhill slop the WHOLE way to camp – so the 1.86 miles out was more difficult but still TONS of fun.

I can't wait for out next trip (this Friday – Corral Springs Trail, Mt Hood National Forest).

We had tons of fun moments and we enjoyed each others company more then we had in a long time. It seems that the modern conveniences only cause life to be more stressful and allow us to not connect as much. We realized that being together without all that was SO much fun and we can't wait to give up those conveniences again VERY soon.

A Baloney Sandwich

2010-05-07T12:32:00.001-07:00

By Bob Benson

"You have come to share in the very being of God." 2 Peter 1:4

"Do you remember when they had old fashioned Sunday School picnics? I do. As I recall, it was back in the "Olden days", as my kids would say, back before they had air conditioning. They said, "We'll all meet at the Sycamore Lodge in Shelby Park at 4:30 on Saturday. You bring your supper and we'll furnish the iced tea.

But if you were like me, you came home at the last minute. When you got ready to pack your picnic, all you could find in the refrigerator was one piece of dried up baloney and just enough mustard at the bottom of the jar so you got it all over your knuckles trying to get to it. And just two slices of stale bread to go with it. So you made your baloney sandwich and wrapped it in an old brown bag and went to the picnic.

When it came time to eat you sat at the end of a table and spread out your sandwich. But the folks who sat next to you brought a feast. The lady was a good cook and had worked hard all day to get ready for the picnic. And she had fried chicken and baked beans and potato salad and homemade rolls and sliced tomatoes and pickles and olives and celery.

And two big homemade chocolate pies to top it off. That's what they spread out there next to you while you sat with your baloney sandwich.

But they said to you,

"Why don't we just put it all together?""No, I couldn't do that. I couldn't even think of it," you murmured in embarrassment, with one eye on the chicken."Oh, come on, there's plenty of chicken and plenty of pie and plenty of everything. And we just love baloney sandwiches. Let's just put it all together."

And so you did and there you sat, eating like a king when you came like a pauper.

One day, it dawned on me that God has been saying just that sort of thing to me. "Why don't you take what you have and what you are, and I will take what I have and what I am, and we'll share it together?"

I began to see that when I put what I had and was and am and hope to be with what He is, I had stumbled upon the bargain of a lifetime. I get to thinking sometimes, thinking of me sharing with God. when I think of how little I bring, and how much He brings and invites me to share, I know I should be shouting from the housetops, but I am so filled with awe and wonder that I can hardly speak.

I know I don't have enough love or faith or grace or mercy or wisdom, but He does. He has all those things in abundance and He says, "Let's just put it all together."Consecration, denial, sacrifice, commitment and crosses were all kind of hard words for me, until I saw them in the light of sharing.

It isn't a case of me kicking in what I have because God is the biggest kid on the block and He wants it all for Himself. He is saying, "Everything I possess is available to you. Everything that I am and can be to a person, I will be to you."

When I think about it like that, it really amuses me to see somebody running along through life hanging on to their dumb bag with that stale baloney sandwich in it saying, "God's not going to get my sandwich! No sirree, this is mine!" Did you ever see anybody like that-so needy- just about half starved to death, yet hanging on for dear life. It's not that God wants your sandwich.

The fact is you need His chicken!

Well, go ahead-eat your baloney sandwich, as long as you can. But when you can't stand its tastelessness or drabness any longer, when you get so tired of running your own life and doing it your way and figuring out the answers with no one to help, when trying to accumulate, hold, grasp and keep everything together in your own strength gets to be too big a load, when you begin to realize that by yourself you're never going to be able to fulfill your dreams, I hope you'll remember that it doesn't have to be that way.

You have been invited to something better, you know. You have been invited to share in the very being of God."

HEART: Anger Pt. 3 - "Bring it on!"

2010-05-04T11:55:00.001-07:00

Group yesterday was really hard and really great. This is the first week that I am not completely wrecked and wished I had never signed up. I am encouraged to share this journey with such astonishing women and I am blessed weekly with all their openness and desire for Godliness. I feel that in the presents of this group that I am understood and not judged or even analyzed for how I feel or act.

Before group I met with one of the ladies to go for a run and have dinner together. It was such a wonderful time of friendship and encouragement. I really hope she had just as much fun as I did because the time we spend talking fed me in a way only God could have designed.

At group we opened with prayer and were asked how we felt about writing all those letters and I was RELIEVED. Relieved it was over and I really thought that the letter writing assignment was going to be more difficult then it was. But really it wasn't, I mean, it was still hard and really difficult at times but I had made it into this fictional monster that wasn't based in facts. Then after we all shared our "feelings" about writing them, we were told we were going to read them ALL aloud to the group. I was then instantly sick to my stomach and mad that I was really honest in writing them. I wanted to throw up and I wanted to just say, "I am out!" but I didn't. Another girl went first and the knot in my stomach got bigger and bigger. After she was finished I said I wanted to be next because I can't sit there reeling for one more moment. After we took a break I started reading all my 18 letters. Breathing took effort and to convert the words I had written on paper into a vocal form was painful. To hear the honest words and feelings coming out of my mouth so freely was surreal. It felt like I was reading each and every one of them aloud to the person I had written them to and the "mmm's" and "uh huh's" were soothing.

Once I was finished regurgitating my feelings of those who influenced me so deeply during those times I learned I forgot to write to myself and one other friend that I truly wanted to ignore. So, this week I have 2 more letters to write and book work to complete. But as I continued to listen to the other women share, there was a particular woman who spoke such truth in the assignment that I was praying that I could have just a pinch of that kind of honesty when I write my letter to myself. It was raw, real, perfectly broken, and honest to the core. I asked God in that moment to make my feelings about myself as real as those feelings were to her, so that I can dig up all this rubbish and progress.

We again were asked how we felt after reading our letters and this time, my feelings were similar to those in the room. I felt "relieved" with a lingering feeling of disturbed and disgusted. The pit in my stomach remained the rest of the evening but was eased after a good night sleep.

Today I feel excited to write my letter to myself and encouraged that I am not completely a mess after yesterday's group. I have dreaded the "Tuesday blues" since I started this group and this week it's starting to take a turn for the better. I fear telling the Lord I am ready for more growth because growth doesn't come easy around these parts and truly enjoy this "growth honeymoon" that I am having right now. But if I am honest and truthful with all of my heart – I am ready. I am ready for the Lord to use these hurts and pains to good use and I am ready to grow in all the ways God sees fit. I am His and I have to remember that. So… against my better worldly judgment, I am asking for more growth. I am asking that the Lord bring me through the whole process and teach me all His ways through this struggle. For lack of a better saying, "Bring it on!"

HEART: Encouagement Established

2010-04-30T14:14:00.001-07:00

Yesterday and today I have a new found contentment for this process I am in. I am learning to enjoy what God brings my way and the dreaded letters were not as horrible as I had made them out to be. I can do this, I can be healed, and I can trust that God knows where I am and is right here with me.

I was talking with Michelle Jones yesterday and I am so excited to share what she encouraged me with. I had realized in the last few days that I had understood my "normal" to be pain and suffering. I have been afflicted with this pain for so long that I just moved the bar down for that to be my "normal." But in doing so I wasn't "aquatinting myself with who I am but who I was trying to be." –MJ I was constantly trying to "feel" better without digging up the hurt. I wanted to be unmoved by this twinge in my heart. I wanted to ignore that my past choices had something to do with the way I view the world and the current choices I make.

Michelle explained that it's like being near sighted (having corrective lenses) and as we get older we become more and more farsighted and every 2 years we need new lenses. But when we go in for our check ups every 2 years or so we think we see everything clearly, but after the eye exam and new lenses we realize how clear everything is now and how poorly we saw things before. We enjoy the clarity of the new vision but sometimes we get headaches with the new lenses because the vision has changed so much. Our walk with God is the same way. The way our relationship with God is now, is not the way it will be in 2 or 3 years and getting a new perspective can be a hard adjustment and sometimes even painful. But we know that in the long run we will see God more clearly and we will have a better view in which to make choices.

We talked about my fear that this group won't help and that I will be just as messed up after the group as I am right now and she referenced Job in the bible when he said, "What I always feared has happened to me. What I dreaded has come true." [Job 2:25] God said to Michelle, "Start believing me for an unbelievable outcome." And it clicked. It truly clicked, I didn't believe that He was a big enough God to turn all this grief into something good. Then Michelle also said that God has been saying, "Redeem your imagination." And what that looks like is to let God lead and let my imagination follow him. That God's truths (the bible) should be the building blocks for my imagination and not my fear.

After talking with Michelle I went on a run with Kim and I just had revelation after revelation. I was telling Kim how faithful God is and how I believe that I have such an understanding of God's faithfulness more then I do any other gift God gives. I was telling her how I think that I put God in a box of "this is how love looks and this is how I want God to love me" when really, God doesn't conform to us. He is GOD! I mean really, he loves me but in his way, I need to learn what that way is by getting to know God better by reading his word and listening for His voice. I am not shut out of God's love, I am invited to partake at his table.

Devotion Kim sent me:

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God knows where we are. Sometimes we forget this. Sometime we even feel that God has forgotten us. He hasn't. God knows exactly where we are. So when you are afflicted with those forsaken feelings, when you're on the verge of throwing a pity party thanks to those despairing thoughts, go back to the Word of God.

~Do not fear; for I am with you.

Isaiah 41:10

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I am encouraged.

HEART: Letter(s) Assignment - Dear Clinic

2010-04-29T14:34:00.001-07:00

Dear Clinic,

I am ashamed I even know you. I am embarrassed I let you into my life and I am humiliated I let you change me forever. I am pissed off that you don't care or know the truth about abortion and the damage that it causes. I am grief-stricken that you told me lies about my little baby and that you tore it's little tiny body from mine. How do you sleep at night? How do you go on knowing you are killing little babies? I am saddened by all the people who have gotten to know you and the dark secrets your walls hold. You should be ashamed but instead you leave me with the pain to cope with on my own. You didn't even act concerned and you didn't even inquire about my "feelings". I was one more girl and one more baby to increase the validation that what you are doing is ok. How dare you!

Forever changed,

Beth Adams

April 24, 2010 - Earth Day Run by Energy Events

2010-04-28T12:15:00.001-07:00

Saturday was the Earth Day Run and it was really great. I had planned to run the 10K but a friend of mine said she wanted to run the 5K so I did that instead. It was nice because I was really tired for some reason and a 5K was just the perfect distance. It was also a dog walk/run and truthfully, I did not like it that dogs were their. It made running more challenging and the smell of dog poop was in the air. But, I am glad that those who have dog were able to bring them along for this pet friendly run.

Energy Events did a great job (once again) with the venders and freebies. The Nike shirts were a HUGE bonus and we even got a Nike bag. SWEET!!

The course was pretty good. I wouldn't say it's my favorite but it's a pretty good run. We started at business complex north of SW Upper Boones Ferry Rd and Durham Rd. The start and finish were in a the parking lot at Earth Advantage and it was very well planned. We started going west on Durham Rd and traveled about 1 mile till we turned left on to 85^th ave. and went down to the Cook park and around. There was one tricky spot in the park when the path goes down to a single person trail for less then 1/8 of a mile because passing people was impossible and if a dog decides to poop right then… you have a cluster of people trying to get by. But then the trail widens again and all is good. There was also a sneaker hill that really gets ya! You go down it at 1.25 mils and then you have to go back UP it at 2.3 miles and it ROUGH! It was steep but only lasted 1/8 of a mile (maybe shorter) but it was hefty. I laugh about it now, but then I was cursing it. :-) Then we went right onto Durham Rd and back to the parking lot. It was truly a great run. I will be running it next year for SURE!!! I finished 5K in 35:14 and felt good!

HEART: Week 2 - Anger

2010-04-27T14:39:00.000-07:00

YESTERDAY I WROTE: It's Monday morning and I have not been to group yet but I thought I would get a jump start on this blog. I am feeling pretty encouraged and ready for more growth. This weeks homework was about anger and how we have learned what we know and how the bible responds to anger. It was a shorter piece of homework but the realization of how I have treated my husband has caused a sting that has reverberated over the last few days. I am learning how to express my anger effectively without being bossy or manipulative. I would have even told you that I don't have an anger problem at all – but truly, if I am honest (which I am trying my best to be) I am not a nice person when I am angry. I have learned that when I am angry I need to tell the person what caused the anger, what I am feeling, and what I need from them in the future. I need to trust that what the responder says in true and not roll my eyes or get judgmental. Belittling someone is not going to change their behavior.

I will blog about tonight's class tomorrow morning.

Well… its Tuesday and I am SHOCKED and what I wrote yesterday. I said I was "ready for more growth." Can I take it back? Well… I guess not because today I am WRECKED! I have had to remind myself minute by minute "…when trouble comes my way. Consider is an opportunity for great joy. For I know that when my faith is tested, my endurance has a chance to grow." [James 1:1-4] And that, "…the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in my life: love, joy, peace, patients, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control." [Galatians 5:22-23] The Holy Spirit live WITHIN me and will walk with me through the pain, suffering, and grief I now face.

I went to group excited like my Monday's note preludes. I love the women in my group and I love the fact that we are growing through this together but sometimes I loath the group. The group time was good; we talked about the homework, the questions, and discussed ways of handling anger positively. I was encouraged to start using my new tools and THEN… the thing I was most fearful of came. They asked us to pull out our "Pie of Influence" and handed us a guideline sheet. The leaders explained that our homework is to write letters to everyone on our "Pie of Influence" about how their involvement or un-involvement made us feel.

When I went through HEART the first time, I dropped out because of this assignment. I held all the responsibility on my shoulders and I didn't want to believe that anyone else has any influence on me. It was my choice, I was in control, and you can't make me be angry at people that I don't feel had any options in my choice. Thinking back: I remember sitting down with my HEART book and a stack of paper. I remember starting to write and the words didn't come. I wrote a few sentencing asking for forgiveness and then crumpling the paper because the leaders tell me that it wasn't about asking for anything. It was about expressing my anger. Well… I DIDN'T HAVE ANGER. I was conflicted because I thought, maybe I am healed from this then, maybe I don't need to be in the group, maybe this is a sign that I wasn't damaged from the abortion. I was very conflicted and confused. I then stopped trying to write and got drunk that night. That should have been a sign that I wasn't healed, I did need the group and I was damaged.

So… this weeks assignment is scary on multiple levels: I still don't feel angry, I have an additional abortion to come to terms with, I don't know what I feel (so to write my feelings will be a challenge), I have 20 letters to write, and what will writing these letter reveal?

This time, my group leaders are wiser and very helpful with explaining how these letters should look. They explained it's NOT about anger, its about emotion. Some will be short letters and some will be long. They said we should pray before we start and to ask the Holy Spirit to reveal to us the pain and emotions we have stuffed deep down to avoid further suffering. Since stuffing is so second nature for me, I am sure there are feelings/emotions I never have felt before – just waiting to be uncovered and let go. On the drive home I was feeling sorry for myself so I called one of my prayer girls. I wanted to vent. I wanted to word vomit all over her about how horrible the class was and what they are making me do. But she didn't answer. Instead, I prayed and I started humming – the song was, "As the Deer." It's an old school one but truth in the form of a song out of the word of God! I am still digging deep and studying the song/Psalm 42 to learn why it was put in my mind at that moment, but nonetheless it's a good place to start feeding my soul with knowledge and truth.

THEN… this morning on the way to work. Jake tells me some news that sent me over the edge. He tells me that his sister is looking into buying a house in the next 8 days so they can get the government credit for first time home buyers AND if they do, Jake's parents are moving in with her and her family. This is traumatic because we live in Jake's parents basement (saving for a house, now that we have paid off $20K in debt) and we'll be homeless if all this happens. It couldn't have come at a worse time for me (emotionally). "When it rains, IT POURS" On the way to work I was stuck with the feelings of loss and comforted by "God never gives us more then we can handle." and the fact that truly, all things work out for good, for those who love Him. Now, is it sad? Yes.

Does it hurt my feelings? Yes.

Is this bad timing? Yes.

Will I survive? Yes.

Will I be ok if we have to move in less then 30 day? Yes.

Will I be able to stay clean and sober – with all the anxiety and without idolizing comfort? Yes.

The desires of my heart are to follow God's will and to be obedient to his word. Christ will honor those desire and employ the Holy Spirit to give me the fruits of HIS spirit and ways of escape in the face of temptation.

I am not in a happy place or even a place where I can say I am well. But I am a work in progress in the hands of my Father.

HEART: My mess...

2010-04-22T09:54:00.001-07:00

Most of Tuesday I was mulling and stewing about my unsettled thoughts and feelings about the HEART group. The group has been WAY harder then I had thought it would be because one of my ways of coping was denial in the sense of minimizing the actions. Regret has crossed my mind, but not in the traditional way as most, I regret joining this group, not the actions that have caused the pain of needing the group. My regrets of joining leave me feeling guilty, I mean, why am I not regretting the actions that cause the pain in the first place instead of the process of healing? I also find that I am wishful because of fear. Longing, I could "feel" healed NOW instead of trusting the process. I have more fear that this isn't going to work then fear that it will be hard. I knew going in that healing takes work and it's truly very difficult but what if this doesn't work, what if I am still stuck in this pattern of constant addiction that transfers from one thing to the next? I can even see myself now wanting to run to all those old addictions. This process is more difficult then I would have thought but not because the homework, group sharing, or even "feelings", but more with my response to them. I know I shouldn't play the "what if" game but – what if I am not ready or spiritually strong enough? These feelings left me hopeless and starving for progress and movement in a positive direction. I have stuffed these feelings for so long that I now have to go down to feel them when I just want to travel upwards to healing.

I shared these feelings with a lady in my group and a mentor. They had such profound and encouraging things to say. I was told that growth is 1) seeing the truth, 2) believing the truth, 3) walking in the truth - which truly helped me see that I am growing because stuffing what was real, was not allowing the truth be lived out. I was also blessed by an understanding of healing in a new way, that healing doesn't mean we don't feel the pain of what we've done or experienced. In fact, when we think about the past – particularly when looking at overcoming it – the pain is there. Learning that the pain won't kill us, teaches us we don't have to be afraid to feel it, or to let God use it. Healing is not a feeling, but a truth, despite feelings, despite process.

Mid-afternoon yesterday I received a response to my previous email about fear and the words I read in the email were as if God touched my shoulder and sat me down for a perfect pep talk from my Father. I was reminded that fear is from the enemy, and he doesn't want me to have any healing or peace or freedom. He wants me to be locked up in any addictions, and doubt and fear and to give up. To believe that even my worry of how I will respond is from the deceiver, the enemy of my soul. I need to fight it with the promises of God! I may not be spiritually strong enough on my own – which is probably a good thing, as this will cause me to totally trust and rely on the Holy Power of the Holy Spirit that lives in me to respond to this process and this healing the way that God our Father has planned in advance for me to do! What if games keep my mind looking down and not up. I am ready, and this is how I know – I am in HEART for my second time – because I want to heal from whatever it is that is tormenting my heart, mind, soul and/or spirit. I have people who are going to go through this with me to discover, process and heal so this past of ours can be turned around and somehow be used for God's glory. Mark 9: 23b and 24 "Jesus said 'Everything is possible for him who believes'. Immediately the boy's father exclaimed 'I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!'" Bible commentary says: "The attitude of trust and confidence that the Bible calls belief or faith (Hebrews 11:1,6) is not something we can obtain without help. Faith is a gift from God (Ephesians 2:8,9). No matter how much faith we have, we never reach the point of being self-sufficient. Faith is not stored away like money in the bank. Growing in faith is a constant process of dialing renewing our trust in Jesus." In reaching out to receive healing I hope to dance through life without the shackles of shame and guilt and be completely useable for God's glory and to be amazingly blessed beyond any imagination. I am desperate to see and believe that all MY MESS will be his message and my mission.

HEART Week 1 - Denial/Anger

2010-04-20T13:35:00.001-07:00

Yesterday’s group was again hard. We talked about denial and anger as it relates to the abortions. We talked about how anger isn’t a sin but you can sin in your anger. We talked about ways to deal with anger and what the cycle of anger is. Then we were given a pamphlet of the first 9 months. We went over each week and the development that takes place during that week. This was difficult on many different levels because I had never thought about the abortions as little babies. I had minimized the event down to just a blob of tissue that isn’t a person. Learning more about my first abortion at 12 weeks was upsetting and the second at 6 or 7 weeks was just as unsettling (http://www.pregnancy.org/fetaldevelopment). We then went back to the “feelings” chart and I chose sick, uncomfortable, and overwhelmed. Then we did a “Pie of Influence” which was a pie chart we create with who or what influenced our decisions to abort. At first I had a hard time not thinking of the chart as a “blame” chat because truly I blame no one but myself but the “Pie of Influence” is about what influenced our decisions not who takes the blame. 1st abortion: Me, the father, mom, dad, God, church community, fathers mother, the clinic, and high school pressures. 2nd abortion: Me, the father, job corps nurse, a friend, drugs, 1st abortion, my future husband, God, the clinic, mom, dad and ex-boyfriend. I was totally unaware that there were so many things that influenced me until this moment. I had taken all the blame without seeing that people influenced me to by shaping me to feel certain ways.

We also read this article (please read if you have time – its worth it see below) about the heart of God. It’s really amazing. But the most amazing part about it is that I can NOW remember reading this article (the first time I went through HEART) and being changed in the way I see God. Now, I didn’t apply it, but God used this article to change my view of God forever and in reading it now, I really am thankful for the little things God allowed the Holy Spirit to use in my life.

THE FATHER HEART OF GOD
By John Dawson
Have you ever wondered what God thinks of you? Is it hard for you to believe He loves you as much as the Bible says He does? God is so big and He sometimes seems so distant - but what is He really like? Do you really know Him? You've heard His instructions, but do you know anything about His emotions or His character?
One of the most wonderful revelations of the Bible is that God is our Father. What do you think of when you hear the word "father"? Do you automatically think of protection, provision, warmth, and tenderness? Or does the word "father" paint different kinds of pictures for you? God reveals Himself in the Bible as a gentle, forgiving Father, intimately involved with each and every detail of our lives. It is not only a beautiful picture, but a true one. However, every person seems to have a different idea of what God is like, because they unconsciously tend to attach the feelings and impressions that they have of their own earthly father to their concept of their Heavenly Father. Each person's own experience with human authority is usually transferred over to how they relate to God. Good experiences bring us closer to knowing and understanding God, just as bad experiences create distorted pictures of our Father's love for us.
What did God have in mind when He created the family? The Bible says, "God makes a home for the lonely (Psalm 68:6 NASB) A family involves a circle of relationship including an adult male and female, into which tiny, dependent human beings are born and raised. Why do we enter the world as such helpless, inadequate persons, and then slowly grow up physically, mentally, and emotionally into self-sufficient adults? Have you ever wondered why God didn't come up with some sort of reproduction system that would produce a physically completed person such as His original creation of Adam and Eve?
I believe God wanted us to come into this world totally dependent and helpless, because He intends the family unit to be a place where His love is demonstrated to both parent and child. As parents we begin to really understand God's heart towards us as His children. And as children, it is God's will for us to see His love revealed through parental tenderness, mercy, and discipline.
But what if the ideal did not happen? What if you have been failed in some way by parental authority? So many have suffered hurt and rejection by their families that it is hard for them to see God as He really is. Understanding the character of God is essential if we are to love Him, serve Him, and be like Him
I want to talk about six different areas of misconception concerning God and His love for us. For ease of communication I will be referring almost exclusively to God's qualities of fatherhood. However, a full revelation of God's parental love is incomplete without the presence of the male and female attributes of parental affection. "And God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them." (Genesis 1:27 NASB) I want you to look back into your personal past and see if your relationship with God has been hindered in any way because of a failure or absence of tender loving care from one or both of your parents.
I. Parental Authority
Have you ever turned into the driveway of a friend's house to be greeted by the family dog? The foolish mutt will either cower away from you, trembling with fear, or leap upon you with an unwanted display of affection, demonstrated with tongue, tail, and dirty paws. The browbeaten puppy that cannot be induced to trust you has obviously been mistreated. The exuberant mongrel attempting to give you a facial with his tongue has obviously come from a loving home.
So it is when God approaches man. Our past experiences dictate our response when God reaches out to us. A weeping prophet named Hosea heard the voice of God saying, "When Israel was a child I loved him, and out of Egypt I called My son. But the more I called Israel, the further they went from Me. They sacrificed to the baals and they burned incense to images. It was I who taught Ephraim to walk, taking them by the arms; but they did not realize it was I who healed them. I led them with cords of human kindness, with ties of love; I lifted the yoke from their neck and bent down to feed them." (Hosea 11:1-4 LB) God's authority is not harsh and vindictive, but to the contrary, He is unspeakably gentle and long-suffering.
The other day I rushed into my den urgently needing some information from my files. As I sorted frantically through my papers, my five-year-old son repeatedly blew his shrill tin whistle. I told him again and again to stop. There was a period of silence followed by a deafening blast right next to my ear, including a spray of saliva. I reached around, swatted him with the back of my hand and bellowed at him in anger. Immediately I felt that the Spirit of God had been grieved. I remembered the biblical statement that God is slow to anger and delights to be merciful. I took my son in my arms and asked him to forgive me. It was only right that I should correct his disobedience, but our children should always know that we discipline them because we love them, and not because we are venting our momentary frustration.
Our Heavenly Father is at this very moment being slandered and misrepresented all over the world by man's cruelty and selfishness. Not only in the home, but in all forms of human government. His laws of love have been ignored and our mangled hearts continue on in carrying out injustice to all those smaller and weaker than ourselves.
What horror is God seeing at this moment? A bedroom door bursts open. A small boy is slapped awake by a drunken and angry man in the middle of the night "The sprinklers are still on. It's a flood. I'll teach you, boy!" The terrified child is beaten mercilessly by the dark, hulking shape of a man he calls "Daddy."
A 15-year-old prostitute with blank, empty eyes, mechanically performs through a night of degradation on Hollywood Boulevard. She doesn't care what happens to her. She hasn't felt clean since the night she was molested by her own father.
A wounded generation stumbles through their youthful years, only to visit the same hurts on their own children. Generation after generation it goes on. Is there no one to comfort us? Who will father the children of men? Whose arms are big enough for all the lonely children of the world? Who weeps over our pains? Who will comfort us in our loneliness? ONLY GOD. A BROKEN-HEARTED FATHER who is rejected by the little ones He yearns to heal. Our problem is that we, like the browbeaten puppy, shrink away from the One who we assume will be like the other authorities in our lives. But He is not He is perfect love. It was God who gave this command to parents in Ephesians 6:4: "Parents don't keep on scolding and nagging your children, making them angry and resentful. Rather, bring them up with the loving discipline the Lord Himself approves."(LB)
II. Parental Faithfulness
Every promise of God will be fulfilled. He is consistently loving. His one heart motive remains the same through time and eternity. He never changes. He only desires to show love and forgiveness.
Do you distrust God? Our distrust hurts Him deeply. What if I came home to my wife and children after a long journey and they ran away from me when I opened the door and called their names. I would be terribly hurt.
You are God's child and even now He calls your name, but maybe deep in your heart you doubt His faithfulness. As a child you may have experienced the complete absence of a father because of death or divorce. Maybe you were orphaned by the demands of your parents' career? Or is it just the childhood memory of broken promises or neglect that haunts you? Some of you screamed for hours as babies but nobody came to relieve you of your discomfort and hunger. Some of you whimpered behind locked doors, a small child, forgotten and alone.
Do you have an inability to sense His presence with you? Is your heart soft towards God or hardened with cynicism and distrust? Look up into His eyes and see His love for you. "I will never desert you, nor will I ever forsake you... I am with you always even until the end of the age. "(Heb. 13:5; Matt.28:20 NASB)
You may say to me, "But if He has loved me so much, then why haven't I felt Him or seen Him?" It isn't God who has failed you my friend, but I and those who know His love personally. Too many times we have failed to become His voice and His hands to those who do not know Him. Far too few allow themselves to be driven by the broken heart of Jesus into the dark corners of this world where the poor and needy wait Jesus is not attracted to pleasant places, but to hurting people. He pursues us with His love from our first breathing moment until the day we die.
Your Heavenly Father was there when you first walked as a child. He was there through hurts and disappointments. He is present now at this moment. You were briefly loaned to human parents who, for a few years, were supposed to have showered you with love like His love. But you are and always will be a child of God, made in His image. Your loving Father awaits even now with outstretched arms. What would keep you from Him?
Few people know God in all His loveliness while living this brief life. Many of us are like the thief who died on the cross next to Jesus. Outwardly he saw a bloody, disfigured body, but soon he began to perceive the true nature of Jesus, and at the last minute, entered by faith into the family of God. We too must see past the religious and commercial mutations of Jesus, and behold the God of Love who still stands with open arms saying, "I came that you might have life and that more abundantly." (John 10:10 NASB)
"Even when we are too weak to have any faith left, He remains faithful to us who are part of Himself and He will always carry out His promises to us. "(11 Tim.2:13 LB)
III. Parental Generosity
A few years ago I stood in a native village in the South Pacific, watching the children play. It occurred to me that these children would very seldom hear the words, "Don't touch that! Leave it alone! Be careful!" Their homes were simple, consisting of earth floors, thatched roofs, and mats that rolled down to serve as walls at night.
In contrast, our modern homes are stuffed with expensive and fragile furnishings and appliances that represent a minefield of potential rejection and rebuke for inquisitive toddlers. How many mothers have exploded in anger at a child who has damaged a treasured object of great expense or sentimental value. Children are constantly reminded of the importance of things - their value, and how to care for them. Very few times do they hear the simple words, "I love you."
A repetitious and destructive chant is working its way into the subconscious minds of our children, "Things are more important than me. Things are more important than me!" What are we to do? Abandon our modem homes? Obviously not. But we do need to realize that our concept of God's generosity may have been crippled by our childhood experiences.
The truth is that God is innately generous. Creation shows an extravagance of color, complexity, and design that goes far beyond simple functional value. At this moment, high in the Italian Alps, a tiny white flower glistens in the sunlight. It has never been seen by the human eye in all of its seasons of bloom. It is not an essential part of the food chain. It was created by God in the hope that one day a son of Adam or a daughter of Eve might glance at it and be blessed by its beauty.
The greatest demonstration of God's father heart seems to come with His attention to the details of our life. He surprises us with those extra things, those little pleasures and treasures that only a father would know we yearn for. God is not stingy, possessive, or materialistic. We use people to get things, He uses things to bless people.
My family and I have worked as missionaries since 1972, trusting God for our daily needs. Our testimony is that in providing for us, God goes far beyond or basic needs of food, clothing, and shelter. We serve a truly generous God! The Psalmist said, "Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He will do it." (Psalm 37:3-5 NASB)
IV. Parental Affection
Do you have any idea how attractive you are to God? One of the biggest hindrances to our walk with Him is a sense that our flesh is repulsive to Him because of sin. When my small son is covered with mud from the back yard, I pick him up and clean him off with the garden hose. I reject the mud, not the boy. Yes, you have sinned. Yes, you have broken God's heart. But you are still the center of God's affections - the apple of His eye. It is He who pursues us with a forgiving heart. We say, "I found the Lord," but the truth is, He found us.
Many children, particularly boys, have had no physical display of affection from their fathers, or no real compassion when they are hurt. Because of our false concept of masculinity, we are told, "Don't cry son, boys don't cry." Jesus is not like that. His compassion and understanding are measureless. He feels our hurts more deeply than we do because His sensitivity to suffering is so much greater.
I once had to hold my screaming two-year-old while a doctor stitched a large gash in his forehead. He quickly forgot his painful experience and fell asleep in my arms. But I was tormented by the experience and grieved for hours. You have forgotten most of your pains, but God has not. He has perfect recall of every moment of your life. Your tears are still mingled with His at this very moment
God was there when you experienced cruel teasing in the school yard and you walked alone avoiding the eyes of others. When you sat in a math class confused and dejected, He was with you. At the age of four when you got lost at the county fair and wandered terrified through the huge crowd, it was God who turned the heart of that kind lady who helped you find your mother. "I led them with cords of human kindness, with ties of love." (Hosea 11:4 NIV)
Sometimes we don't understand what a fussy, doting Father God is. Your parents may proudly display bronzed baby booties on the mantle, pictures in an album, or trophies on the wall - but how does that compare with God's infinite capacity to be overjoyed with your every success? It was actually God who heard you speak your first real word. The hours you spent alone exploring new textures with baby hands were a delight to your Heavenly Father. Some of His greatest treasures are the memories of your childhood laughter. There has never been another child like you, and there never will be.
Moses once invoked a blessing on each of the tribes of Israel. To one tribe he said, "You shall dwell between the shoulders of God." What a fantastic blessing! But that is where you dwell also. Whatever you become in the eyes of men, even a person of great authority, fame, or title, you will never cease to be more or less than a babe in the arms of God.
V. Parental Attentiveness
There is one attribute of God that not even the best parent can hope to imitate - that is God's ability to be with you all the time. As parents we just cannot give constant attention 24 hours a day. We are finite beings who can only focus on one thing at a time. Not only is God with you all the time, but He gives you His whole attention. "Let Him have all your worries and cares, for He is always thinking about you and watching everything that concerns you." (I Peter5:7 LB)
God is constantly thinking an uninterrupted stream of loving thoughts toward you as though nobody else in the world exists. You say, "How does He do that? How can He be personally involved with billions of individuals at the same time?" I don't know, but I know it's no problem for the Creator of the world. Perhaps the explanation is the speed of His thought. There are 5 billion people on this planet. God has created things in nature that pulsate at incredible speed. I have heard that the quartz crystal's molecular structure vibrates at the speed of 9 billion movements per second. If God could only think that fast, He could think a loving thought towards you about twice every second without straining His ability to relate to the rest of His children. Who knows how He does it? Just enjoy it! As far as you are concerned, it's just you and God. You don't have to get His attention, He's already listening. Don't worry about taking His time... it's all yours.
Your parents were often preoccupied with their activities, and sometimes showed no vital interest in the small events of your life, but God is not that way. He cares. He is a God of detail. Why does the Bible say that God has numbered the hairs of your head? Not because God is concerned with abstract mathematics. He's not a computer wanting data, it's just that He's trying to tell us in what detail He knows us and cares about our lives.
A little boy has worked all afternoon pounding nails into pieces of scrap wood. He finally emerges from the garage and shows a three-level battleship to mom. He can't wait until dad gets home. Dad is late. At 6:30 a tired, preoccupied man finally arrives. A cold dinner is waiting, and so are the income tax forms. The excited boy proudly displays his handiwork to a daddy who barely looks up from the calculator. Daddy never looked, never appreciated, but God did. Father God always looked, always took delight in the work of your hands. He's your real Father, always will be. Don't ever resent the failings of your human parents. They are just kids that grew up and had kids. Rather rejoice in the wonderful love of your Father God.
VI. Parental Acceptance
We live in a performance-oriented society. Acceptance is always conditional - if you make the football team, if you bring home a good report card, if you look pretty, if you have money, if you win. The kingdom of this world is a kingdom of rejection. The Kingdom of God is a kingdom of unconditional love. God's promises are conditional, we must obey Him to see blessing, but His love is unconditional. You don't have to wait to experience the love of God. Come as you are. Just be honest with Him about your sin - He delights to forgive you. Even in the depths of your past rebellion He still loved you. Even God's judgments are motivated by love.
Many of you have an inability to receive God's love and approval. You are trapped in a slave-like relationship with the harsh god of your imagination. A true love relationship involves the giving and receiving of love responses. There's one night I will always remember - the night I proposed to my wife, Julie. I kissed her and asked her to marry me. What if she had responded like this, "I'll wash your socks, I'll clean your car, and I'll type your letters." I didn't want to hear that! I wanted a response that matched my feelings of love for her. I wanted to know that she felt the same way about me.
What is your response to God when He simply says He loves you? Can you "Be still and know that He is God" without rushing into frantic activity to earn His approval? (Psalm 46:10 KJV) One of the greatest pictures of human peace and contentment is that of a baby asleep in the arms of a mother after having been fed at the breast. The child no longer squirms and demands, but rests in the embrace of loving arms. A deep mellow contentment wells up into the sound of a lullaby sung by mothers at times like this. The prophet Zephaniah described a similar emotion in the heart of God. "He will save, He will rejoice over thee with joy, He will rest in His love, He will joy over thee with singing." (Zeph. 3:17 KJV)
Don't be so restless in the presence of God. Corrie ten Boom had some simple advice to offer this generation. She who experienced so much suffering at the hands of the Nazis, yet went on to great spiritual victory, once said to my friends and me, "Don't wrestle... nestle." What a profound but simple truth.
God already loves you. All through life you have had to perform and compete. Even as a tiny baby you were compared with other babies. People said you were "too fat," or "too thin," or had "his legs" or "her nose," but God delighted in your uniqueness and still does. It's when you bask in the love of the Father that you cause God to "rest in His love and joy over you with singing."
Yes, there is much to be done in your life and through your life. There will be days when God comes bringing deep conviction of sin, showing you areas of your life that need to be changed, committed and submitted to Him. But God is not always demanding changes. He knows our limits and He gives us the grace and power to do the things He asks of us. He is tender and compassionate. Most of the time He just says, "I love you," and softly speaks your name.
Conclusion
If you see that you have been hindered in your relationship with God due to some kind of failure of parental love, then take these things to the Lord. You must find forgiveness in your heart towards anyone who has hurt you. If you don't, your bitterness will consume you and you will find no peace with God. Realize, too, that you are not alone. I haven't met a perfect person yet, or a parent who hasn't made mistakes. Everyone has suffered some kind of hurts in their life. One of the keys for release is found in forgiveness. The important thing is that you go forward and get to know God for who He really is - not who you think He is. He is the Perfect Parent. He always disciplines in love. He is faithful, generous, kind, and just He loves you and He longs to spend time with you. He wants you to receive His love and know that you are a special and unique person to Him. Will you receive God's love and affection? Won't you open up and enter into an intimate relationship with your true Father? He is patiently waiting for you to come. It is my prayer that you will realize His love for you and respond to the father heart of God.

HEART Weekend

2010-04-19T12:31:00.001-07:00

Friday afternoon I drove to Beaverton to attend my first HEART meeting/study/support group. I was nervous but I was actually a little excited too. There are 6 women in the study and 2 leaders (I will not be sharing any of their names, any of their stories, or sharing any of their details to protect confidentiality but I will share my responses and how I was affected by things that go on in the group). We went around the room and learn about each other and then had the opportunity to hear the leaders testimonies. I was encouraged to hear about these leaders lives and how honest I truly felt I could be with them. It was a great way to start our first meeting. We also went over some handouts about confidentiality, the schedule, a few letters from graduates of the HEART program, ground rules, the grief cycle, the differences between God and satan working in our lives, preparing for war prayer (http://www.womantowomanmentoring.com/daughter/documents/ArmorofGod.pdf), and ministry of tears. After going through all this material the evening was over. It was really a wonderful start. I felt excited and ready but was really tired and just wanted to sleep.

I had not yet finished my homework that was assigned for Saturday’s group so I was up at 5:30am to finish it up and God really blessed me in that time. I was able to finish my homework and my husband brought me breakfast in bed. As Jake dropped me off at the group I was excited to see what the day would hold but also nervous. I was quite surprised at my feelings now going to this group because a few weeks ago I would have told you that I have “healed” from the abortions but this weekend showed me that there is more – just like the onion. More and more levels of healing. During group we are asked to share what we are feeling off a sheet with faces and feelings. It’s really good because most times we don’t give our emotions or feelings a name and this forces us to really think what we are feeling. But I found I was different from lot of ladies in the group. We watched a video Saturday morning and after we watched it, they asked us how we were feeling and the popular response was “hopeful” but I was feeling uneasy and frustrated. It made me feel skeptical. So, I am beginning to see that my feeling of these abortions have really been HIDDEN deep.

We started class at 9am and it was really good. We went over more handouts, did a collage of how has your abortion shaped you?, we were given time to write our testimonies, and then after lunch we shared them. When I was writing my testimony I really had a hard time choosing what to write. I have written my story so many times I thought it would have been easier but this time it was different. To include every detail that I could remember from the experiences was more difficult then I would have thought and to choose what to include and what isn’t important was hard too. So, I wrote my story and it was ok. Now sharing it was an additional beast! I was so nervous. My abortions have never been a secret so why was I so nervous? Well, blogging is one thing. I am not there when you all read this. I don’t see your reactions or hear your feelings, I just write and post. But sharing out loud… it was scary. I was the first to share; I was shaking and my voice quivered. I explained my collage and then divulged every detail about my abortions. The ladies listened and I hardly looked up from my notes. After sharing I was asked to express how I was feeling and I felt overwhelmed and tired. Then I was able to hear all the other women’s amazing stories of courage and strength. After all the stories we were asked again how we felt and I was again bothered that my response was different. Most of the women felt relief, comfort, and hopefulness but I felt sick to my stomach and overwhelmed. At this point the day was over and all I wanted to do was leave. I couldn’t get out of that room fast enough. I was relieved to get on with the day and tried not to think about it.

Today I am doing some of the homework for tonight’s group and its about denial. Again, I am shocked… I would have never said that right now I am in denial and really I am not sure. Maybe I am… maybe I have been… there are 8 different kinds of denial and one just struck me as… maybe… maybe this is me. “Minimizing – Admitting abortion has caused some problems, but discounting their seriousness.” The others that didn’t seem to fit were: outright denial, hostility, diversion, blaming, rationalizing, intellectualizing, and avoidance. I think that my responses to the “feelings” questions is connected with the possibility that I have minimized the abortions in my life for so long. That with the movie and hearing the others stories of pain and hardship caused me to feel uncomfortable, overwhelmed, and skeptical because it is a big deal, it is serious, and I have been disconnected.

I obviously am a little all over the place and just putting these thoughts and feelings to print has helped me to walk through it. I am not there, I have not arrived and I am struggling. I want so badly to hide but I equally want healing. Stay tuned… more to come…

HEART Interview/Prescreening

2010-04-12T13:18:00.001-07:00

SUNDAY was a wonderful day. During worship at church I had a burden on my heart for a friend and took it to the Lord and was surprised by a visual image. I shared this image with that person and was encouraged to drive into the word of God and read more. I was blessed by Colossians 3:1-17 when looking for scriptures to back up my vision. The words just jumped off the pages of the bible like they never had before. It was amazing. Then I was blessed by an afternoon with the Adams’ family celebrating Ellany’s birthday and enjoying the newest addition to the family. After which I went home to get some work done, sending emails for bike rides, to the friend about what I read in the bible, for the Steps for Life walk-a-thon, and getting a book study organized.

What is HEART? “HEART (Healing Encouragement for Abortion-Related Trauma) has been the post-abortion reconciliation ministry of the Pregnancy Resource Centers of Greater Portland since 1988. Over 800 women and 60 men have successfully completed the HEART/Healing A Father's Heart Bible Study Support Groups. The groups are 14 weeks for women and 12 weeks for men in duration coming from a biblical perspective on the grief cycle associated with post-abortion stress. However, many individuals from all walks of life are welcome*”.

I had originally had an appointment with the HEART leader on Monday after thinking more about it, I knew I needed to reschedule. I called and she scheduled the meeting for Sunday evening at 6pm, but Sunday afternoon her flight got delayed and called to reschedule the appointment for 8pm. I drove to Beaverton talking to one of my besties and enjoying connecting. When I arrived the HEART leader was waiting for me in the parking lot. I was instantly nervous. We shook hands and went inside. We were waiting for the other leader so we went through some of the paperwork. I didn’t remember all the paperwork of signing on with this study from before, but then again many additions have come between that time and now. The other leader arrived and we got started. The intake forms ask the most obtrusive questions that no one would ever ask you out side of this group. I will save the internet world all the details, but they were PERSONAL!! We chatted some more about the questions and they asked me how I was feeling about the group and I was excited and nervous because although I would say that I am “coping” with life well I know that this group is going to bring forth feelings that I have had buried for a long time. After asking if I had anymore questions they prayed for me and the upcoming group and I was given the schedule and study book. I was IN! The first meeting is this Friday 6:30-9pm and all day Saturday 9am-3:30pm (and every Monday for the next 8 weeks).

I was asked to complete the first homework assignment and to ask 2 people in my life to be my prayer warriors over this next season of my life. I have such a wonderful group of friends that picking warriors is the easiest part. I am really looking forward to seeing our God move in my life like never before.

(* http://www.portlandheart.org/heart.htm)

New EXCITING Opportunities

2010-04-08T16:22:00.000-07:00

I know this is long… but well worth the read!

BACK STORY: February 2000 I was in high school and became pregnant and had my first abortion because telling my parents was like facing death. May 2001 I tried to get some healing from PAS (Post-Abortion Stress) and I went through a bible study called HEART (Healing Encouragement for Abortion-Related Trauma) and dropped out after only 5 weeks (wasn't ready to deal with it). April 2003 I joined Job Corps (government vocational training) when I learned I was pregnant again and I had my second abortion because I felt as thought I was just starting to get my life together after bring a meth addict and thought it was my only option to keep clean and get a job.

Since those days of pain and heart ache, I have gone through lots of bible studies, book studies, healing prayer, counseling, inner healing and gotten married to the best man in the whole world. I don't feel like I am carrying around any past baggage or feel like this is an area of issue. But I do see those past sins as a way I can relate to men and women who have been in my shoes or are going through similar issues. Time and time again I have been told about PRC (Pregnancy Resource Centers), the work they do and the services they provide. Which has brought me to today…

While taking this Perspectives class I had the opportunity to meet and get to know a woman who works for PRC part time and I was able to share with her my story too. She has been such a blessing and has helped to encourage me in my passion for helping men and women make more educated choices about unwanted pregnancy. Perspectives has taught me that just because I am not "going" overseas in mission, doesn't mean I can't have a mission here while I pray about "going." Service is service… no matter here or there, going or staying, and raising support or working. I am making it my goal to be mission minded no matter where I am and this was just what I needed to learn before calling PRC and taking a tour.

It was Thursday last week when I went and visited Pregnancy Resource Center at Lloyd center. The director gave me the tour, shared with me what services they offer, and how the process works. I felt surprisingly comfortable walking though and really felt as though God was walking with me. We chatted for a bit about my story and why I want to volunteer and I learned that a prerequisite of becoming a peer counselor at PRC (with post abortion history) is going through the HEART study in full. I was encouraged that they would ask people to get healing from past abortions but I really felt like I didn't NEED the study. But after lots of prayer and thought I made the call to request attendance at the next HEART study. I was told I would be contacted soon and the spring study starts in a couple weeks (if there was still openings). I waited by the phone and after a few days I started to worry they couldn't get me into the study. But on Tuesday I was called to have an interview with the leaders to see if HEART is a good fit for me. That interview is on Monday at 5pm in Beaverton. Please be praying it goes well and I don't stress out about how long it will take (since I have a Bikram Yoga birthday celebration for Jen at 6pm in North Portland).

I am really looking forward to the days ahead and what the HEART group will offer. Before all this I would have said that I have already healed from most if not all the past abortion stuff but in the past week I have felt the stirring of the Lord in my heart. Also, in a conversation with one of my best girl friends I was reminded of Theophilus (which is a bible camp for middle and high school student that I volunteered at in February). God told me (through Michelle Jones) that "You are not here to finish a work, the work is here to finish you!" and I had to go back and read the email I had sent to my girlfriends reminding me that God is doing a work and I just need to follow him (see email below that I sent to my friends). I am amazed at God the more I learn and the more I grow. He will always see me through hard time, I mean look at my poke-a-dot past… he connected all the dots in a perfect and loving way that only our creator could. I am in awe this day and feel bless, loved, and driven to better God's kingdom out of love for Him. Wow… its been a good, hard, bless, struggle filled, redeemed week. Our God is good… ALL THE TIME!

Email to Friends in regards to Theophilus:

My life will never be the same after Theophilus. I went with this longing to obey God and for the first two days I felt SMALL and useless. I was a co-leader of 5 - 9th grade girls and I wasn't needed. My co- counselor is a youth ministry major at seminary and didn't need me for one second and the kids bonded with her right away. The kids were so great and perfect in everyway.

Since I was feeling so un-needed I chose to spend most of day three in prayer for their hearts and minds that theophilus would be life changing for them and their walk with God. It was during this day that I saw youth ministry in a new light. I was energized and it was an awesome day. We did community service and I was happy and pouring happiness and joy into the students. They laughed AT me and it broke some barriers. Our small group had a great meeting and I felt progress. Another counselor said it best Sunday morning when he admitted that he didn't have much faith in youth ministry. I felt the same way. I didn't feel I could make an impact and that I was really only there to be an older person the "babysit" while others connected and the speakers poured into the students. This couldn't have been farther from the truth. I was needed, wanted and I did make an impact. But didn't know this fully yet.

Monday morning the feelings of failure came over me again. I was grumpy and dejected. I wanted the day to be over and I wanted to go home. It was just then that Michelle Jones saw me and she started asking me her usual probing questions. And I was honest to a fault. She took me on a walk. She asked me why I was at theophilus and I said, "because God told me to come, even though I didn't want to." she said she didn't ask for the commentary and just to answer the question. ... Fine, I thought! "because God told me to come." then she asked, "then don't you think he has a reason? That he is big enough to work in this?" silence from me.. Then she told me about a time when she was obedient when she didn't want to be and how miraculous it was. I was floored and annoyed that she was/could be right. Now most, if not all of you don't know Michelle Jones very well (apart from the women's retreat). But just so you know, her God ears hear so well... It's scary. It was during worship that morning that she whispered in my ear, "You are not here to finish a work, the work is here to finish you!" I lost it. Tears came easily and my high school life flashed before me. God was destroying my "house" filled with feelings of failures from high school and replacing them with grace and showing me all he ALREADY did for me. Seeing the kids accept grace so easily and me holding on to all my screw ups all these years, showed me; I was at theophilus to learn about grace from kid eyes. To see that no matter how many mistakes I made in high school, God is big enough and has already forgiven was washed me clean as snow. Now, yes, I already knew this, but never in this way. I had still been putting myself in the "naughty box" all these years and now I can see I am forgiven and set free, my past is not my ball and chain. Its my freedom and knowledge of a deeper more powerful God. In a sense I think I lost the power of the cross in my life. I was transformed. All that being said, this transformation is like an onion, I have only scratched the surface of what God is going to reveal to me and I am excited for this new chapter of life. I can't wait to walk it out with you all.

I hope all this came across clearly, I feel like my brain is a bunch of puzzle pieces and need to put them all together. But, I just wanted you all to know I am safe, well, and excited to see what God is going to do. I am pursuing him like I never have before.

In Him, Beth

I am ready Lord…. USE ME, SHAPE ME, and TRANSFORM ME! I am YOURS.

Fort Vancouver Run - March 28, 2010

2010-04-08T12:25:00.001-07:00

Better late then never…

March 28^th – Energy Events had their first run of 2010 and it went off without a hitch and announced a Vancouver

Marathon in 2011 http://www.vancouverrun.com/

I would have to say the FORT VANCOUVER RUN is my new FAVORITE run. The course was great and the set up was perfect. I had a few friends running with me that morning and then some friends came later to have their kiddos run the kids fun run. It was nice having people I love get involved in running… even if its just their kids. I know seeing people cross the finish line is also encouraging to those who want to start running. I hope to have all of them running very soon!

Jake and I stayed at Andrea and Chad's the night before so we could all get ready and go to the race together. We got up at 6:30am that morning, looked out the window and it was POURING down rain. I was optimistic as we had a breakfast of champions; oatmeal, coffee, water and saved some PowerBar shots for later. Kevin met us at Andrea and Chad's and had a cup of coffee with us while getting all our rain garb on. We left the house around 7:40am (still raining) and I said out loud with faith "God isn't going to let it rain on us." We arrived to the race at about 8:00am and parking at the event was a piece of cake. It was at that moment the rain stopped. Praise the Lord. There was tons of parking and the event was laid out perfectly. Kevin was running the 15K which was scheduled to start at 8:15am so we waiting by the start to cheer him on. Then 20 min later our 10K was scheduled to start, one last trip to the bathroom, took our shots and iPod ready, we waiting by the start line.

Gun went off and we were on our way. We started in the Fred Meyers parking lot and then out onto Columbia House Blvd going east which was ½ closed for the run (which is always a bonus not having to fight cars for the road), then we crossed under HWY 14 and onto Columbia Way going east … which was not closed but such little traffic let the runner pretty much have free reigns of the road – it was really fun to see the 15K and fast 10K runners coming back the other way and to see other runners on the opposite side of the road. It helped to encourage us that we were doing well and so many of us were having fun. As we ran down Columbia way we found a good pace and even made a couple "pace friends" that would pass us, then we would pass them, but I believe it was about this point when Andrea said, "You see that girl… lets try to catch her?" I said, "yeah?! OK…" and tried but knew it would be really hard. I couldn't seem to gain any on her but I still kept trying. At about 1.5 miles in Andrea and I were chatting with our pace friends when I wanted to laugh. I told Andrea it was now time for some entertainment and she busted out a little "Run Dance" I laughed pretty hard and then told her next time I wanted a song with it… and it was then that we arrived at Winter Community Park where we ran out around the bathrooms (Andrea stopped and used it and still caught up to me while still within the park – she is amazing) and turned back around (where the first water stop was) and back onto Columbia way going west. At Columbia Shore Blvd we turned left toward the water on a cobble stone side walk, which I think I remember being more vigilant about where I put my feet for fear of a twisted ankle, but all was good. I was still keeping my eye on my pace friends as I still tried to catch that one girl. She was just a little faster then my pace and just keeping up was becoming difficult. At the water we continued west on the (newly) paved path which was a great way to hit the half way point. Andrea started to run a little faster and I encouraged her to run on ahead to finish. She is such a good sport to run at my slower pace for the first half and she power housed the last 3 miles. I am extremely proud of her. Running along the water was perfect and it was STILL not raining… what a blessing. It was even about this time that I had to shed my extra layers as I was way too hot with all the extra rain garb. Just before I-5 we turned right and went under the train tracks and then there was the ONE hill… it was at this point I said to myself (despite my hatred of hill) I am going to push really hard, take longer steps and push up this monster to catch my nemesis runner. But, I still had about an 1/8^th of a mile separating us, so I pushed down the hill and told my self not to quit till I get to her. So, I did and after a 4 mile chase to catch her, I did it. I caught her just as we ran through the Fort Vancouver Historical site. I was so proud of myself and it was perfect timing because this girl was really struggling to keep running. It was her first run ever and with me running at her side, we pushed through together. I kept telling her that she could do it and to look how far she has already come. Quitting at this point was not an option for either of us. We pushed and pushed and pushed… and before we knew it… the finished line/Fred Meyers was in sight. We came around the corner and I saw my friends (Sarah, Tori, Joel, Jeremey and kids) and my husband, Kevin, Chad and Andrea and it was such a great feeling. I finished 20 min faster then my first 10K last June and despite finishing LAST in my age group (19 out of 19) I felt so proud of me. 10K = 1 hour 17 minutes 30 seconds!!

Kevin finished FIRST in his age group, winning a metal and Andrea finished 6 min 14 sec faster then me and placing 13 out of 15 in her age group. Way to go Kevin and Andrea! I love running with people I know, it's way more rewarding and completely gratifying.

NEXT RUN: Earth Day run by Energy Event ~ April 24^th (Saturday)

http://energyeventsllc.com/EarthDayRun/

Come run with me!!

80 Proof

2010-03-31T19:29:00.000-07:00

80 Days + 80 Workouts = 80 PROOF CHALLENGE

Jake and I are committing to an 80 day challenge.

Starting tomorrow April 1st (this is not a joke) through June 18th
80 Days staying on our food program (Jake 16
80 Workouts (either a work out each day or 2 every other day but you better have 80 by June 18th)
- No eating out - No eating at friends houses UNLESS we have brought the food we eat - Do have 1 healthy sit down meal at HOME together - Do pray for each others success through out each day.

Every week has a new focus:
Week 1 - (April 1-3rd) - Tracking (writing down everything we eat)
- Jake on DailyBurn.com - Beth on Lose it! App
Week 2 - (April 4-10th) - Water (1/3 our body weight Jake = 100oz - Beth = 76oz)
Week 3- (April 11-17th) - 2 new group exercise classes to try
Week 4 - (April 18-24th) - Fruits and Veggies (5 - 1 cup servings)
Week 5 - (April 25-May 1th) - Stretching
Week 6 - (May 2-8th) - Dairy (2 - 1 cup servings)
Week 7 - (May 9-15th) - Vitamins
Week 8 - (May 16-22nd) - Healthy Oils (2 -1 tsp servings)
Week 9 - (May 23-29th) - 3 days exercise outside
Week 10 - (May 30-June 5th) - Lean Proteins (2 -6oz servings)
Week 11 - (June 6-12th) - 1 day this week Jake works Beth out & 1 day Beth works Jake out
Week 12 - (June 13-18th) -Whole Grains (1 serving of grains)

END DATE - June 19th

Beth -Does the dress fit?
Jake - Did you decrease 2 notches on your belt?

How can you help us? Remind us of this challenge when food is present at gathering, tell us you love us and want us to eat out with you but you want to respect our challenge, encourage us by asking how it's going, and pray for us that temptations would be far from us.

We would love for you to join us on this challenge... let us know if you want to get involved (on any level) and we will do our best to support you along the way.

Woven Together

2010-03-31T12:19:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I met with a women (Sandi) that has helped me see God in a new way. I have felt troubled and worried that I don't feel "emotions" when it comes to God. I have felt dry and yet well fed. I have felt lost but still reached. I have felt tossed in the wind but still solidly placed.

It's been a confusing time, as I have faced panic attacks and stress induced fear, with expectations of myself and others that are unreasonable. Yet I am utterly blessed - I have more friends then I thought possible, I laugh more then any other time in my life, I am more physically fit then ever before and I am learning to live a happy, healthy, BALANCED life. What is going on? I am in a time of change, a time of growth, a time of new challenges. Yes, and always will be if I am following the will of God. He will always challenge me to grow and give me challenges to develop His fruits.

I am learning that my feelings of being dry and lost are the longing of my heart to know God more and to be in the word/pray more. I am learning that I am still reached and well fed because of the people in my life that God has blessed me with. I am learning that I feel tossed in the wind because I am over committing myself and need balance. I am learning that I am still solidly placed because I have God as my leader.

Those feelings of being troubled and worried about my "emotions" toward God is because I want to feel those emotions in methods that make most sense to me when God's way of giving them to me is different. For example, Sandi said it best (I won't be quoting), she said that God gives us friends and Godly people in our lives to help us understand and know Him better. When I am blessed with a nice card, or a meaningful text, or email from people who love and know God and are pouring into me, its God's way of touching me in a tangible way.

It's amazing how God works all things together… our lives are like baskets woven together to make HIS church. On Sunday mornings we are going through 1 Corinthians and the past couple months has been about the spiritual gifts passages. I have been really learning and listening to God more now then I ever have before and I really hear Him clearly now. The things God is allowing me to pour into other lives has been not only a blessing to them but also a blessing to me. I am constantly astonished by the persistence of God that he would use me to speak into peoples lives and that His words come THROUGH me. Wow!

Saturday Ride Ladies

2010-03-17T13:09:00.000-07:00

2010-03-17T12:57:00.001-07:00

Hard Week….

The end of last week was the start of too many calories and it still is not looking good… I want to say it's because of stress but no excuse should derail me this badly.

I have managed to continue on with my exercise (19 mile bike ride Saturday and Shamrock run Sunday– reports to follow) but food… is not my friend.

Today I am now in the guilt phase of my constant issue with food. It's been 5+ days of not eating what I should and day 3 of not even journaling the food that goes into my mouth. My body can really tell when I am not eating the healthy food because I feel slower and less motivated. Today I want to say that I am going to recommit to eating healthy and stop with the grazing… but I am beginning to think I don't have it in me to lose the rest of this weight. I mean, I do well for a week or two and then I fall off the proverbial wagon and then recommit and then all over again I fall. Why am I not working as hard? Why do I fail so easily? I don't even know anymore.

Saturday Ride Report - - - - -

We met at the Subway on Marine Drive and east to the 205 bridge, then across toWashington, along some side streets west, the water front and then to interstate 5 bridge back to Oregon.

There was 8 of us woman riding and it was just a great time. We made great time and I think everyone had a blast.

Sunday Shamrock Run - - - - -

This is Jake's and my 2^nd annual Shamrock Run and I have to say this year was SO much more fun. The weather was great, I could run faster, I knew what to expect, and 2 of my girlfriends ran it with me. I was in happy land! It was a little tricky getting down to the race area because we took max and were running a little behind schedule. We were supposed to meet some other people down there but with the max and all the people we missed them. I had a bit of a breakdown from stress and being mad about being late but my friends loved me through it. They are great people. I ran the run in less time the last year, by 6 min and I was so excited about that.

My next run is in 10 days… FORTVANCOUVER RUN – by Energy Events

http://www.energyevents.com/

JOIN ME… RUN WITH ME… HELP ME…. It will be fun… don't miss out!

Boston Cream Pie Cake

2010-03-12T10:42:00.000-08:00

It's 8am and I have already consumed 500 calories on Boston cream pie cake and yesterday wasn't so hot either. I am still under my calories for the week but yesterday I went over by 800 because I ate 2 homemade beef burritos after dinner at about 7pm. Not so wise, but I am really thankful for this new program. Before on weight watchers I felt like I could just consume anything and everything if I just counted the points and now, I am see that I need to stay within a certin amount of calories. I have already lost 3lbs from Sunday to Wednesday so I am trying to keep that trend going.

I am really excited about the Shamrock run this weekend but I am sort of nervous about our group bike ride tomorrow. The weather isn't suppose to be good and this is the first bike ride that I have led. I worry about fat tires (which I have never had to fix before), the cold, people not having fun, slow riders vs. fast riders and how to keep us all on track, and a sweep. I don't have a sweep who knows the route. I did create cue cards for everyone and its pretty easy; but I am still concerned about people getting lost.

I hope to have happy things to report on Monday. :-)

5k Test Run & 2010 Race Schedule

2010-03-10T07:53:00.001-08:00

Yesterday I made some plans with some friends to go running. I knew I needed to try to get in a 5k before this weekends Shamrock Run – so we did it. These ladies are BEASTS… they run so much faster then me which I am learning is actually really good. I ran faster then I have ever run before and I shaved 10 min off my best time.

Last years 5K Shamrock Run – 46 min

Yesterday's 5K – 36 min (11:25 min mile)YEAH!!!

I am feeling strong and happy about this progress. I can't wait to see how I do at the Shamrock Run this weekend.

Here is the list of event I am committing to participating in for 2010:

March 14, Sunday SHAMROCK RUN – 5K

www.shamrockrunportland.com

$27 (sign up with team name "Adams" for the $3 discount) SOLD OUT!!!

March 28, Sunday FORT VANCOUVER RUN – 5k or 10k

http://www.strands.com/register_for/fort_vancouver_run_

$32 (+ $2.72 if you register online)

April 24, Sunday EARTH DAY RUN – 5k doggie walk or 10k run

http://www.strands.com/register_for/earth_day_run_

$32 (+ $2.72 if you register online)

May 23, Sunday 10k RUM RUN – 4k walk/run or 10k

http://www.strands.com/register_for/10k_rum_run_

$32 (+ $2.72 if you register online)

July 31, Sunday WOMEN'S ONLY TRIATHLON & DUATHLON

Sprint Triathlon - 1/2mi Swim, 12mi Bike, 5k Run

Tri-iT Novice - 1/4mi Swim, 12mi Bike, 5k Run

Sprint DUATHLON - 5k Run, 12mi Bike, 5k Run

www.racecenter.com/allwomens/

Individual $65.00 (on or before July 23rd)

August 22, Monday SALMON CREEK @ sunset – 6k and 12k

http://www.energyeventsllc.com/

$32 (+ $2.72 if you register online)

(MAYBE) September 13, Sunday PINTS TO PASTA 10k

www.runwithpaula.com/pints-to-pasta

$35

October 17, Sunday GIRLFRIENDS HALF MARATHON

http://www.nwpersonaltraining.com/subs/events/event_details.php?event_id=102

$60 before October 1^st

RUN WITH ME!!

When I thought I could do it by myself...

2010-03-09T15:00:00.001-08:00

My weekend was SUCCESSFUL food wise and I feel so good about it. I didn't over indulge and I journal everything that went in my mouth.

But… my life has gotten out of control (or so it seems). The busyness level has gone up to a level that seems almost manageable until I have a mental breakdown. I mean, I thought I was doing so well. I have lots of wonderful friends who are loving, caring, giving, completely amazing and yet I get so overwhelmed. It was Saturday morning when I felt the tightness in my chest and the anxiety getting out of hand. I went swimming and that helped, then I had some time at home – in hopes of cleaning and getting organized and the tightness returned with vengeance. I was irritable, angry, overwhelmed, and out of control. I laid down for a bit and took a short nap. Then the afternoon I had a spin class followed by a 20 min run and then a birthday party with for a friend. The afternoon went off without a hitch and those feelings didn't come again until 9:30ish that evening at the party. I just all the sudden wanted to go home, I couldn't tolerate the noise at the bar and I just wanted to be in bed. I know I was tired but never have I been this bugged by noise and people. I even went out to the fire pit – hoping to calm down and just be able to keep it together, but I couldn't I wanted to go home and I wanted it to just be quiet.

Later that night when we finally got home I realized that church was not going to happen. I told Jake I needed the rest and I needed to stay home. He understood (I think) and I rested all day, watching Netflix movies and TV while still staying completely on track with food and calories. Sunday evening came and it was time for our church small group and I couldn't go. I was so mad at myself, I wanted to go so bad but I knew that the anxiety wasn't over and I just needed to rest. Late Sunday night I was almost positive I couldn't make it to work but didn't want to call in sick.

Morning came and I knew I needed more time in the quiet without schedules, demands, needs, or to do's. So, I stayed home again. This day was a little less anxiety filled and I actually felt productive towards the end of the day. But the real questions is… what happened?

Stress!

Stress is really crazy. Over the next 14 days… life is beyond crazy for us. With Kell's St Patty's day festival, girl's night, group bike ride, my parent are moving (OY!), Shamrock run, helping a friends redecorate, payroll all next week and small things too… I just feel stretched too thin, pressure to make sure everything goes smoothly for my husband who just needs to be on his "A" game for drunk crazies, me having obligations, plans, and last minute issues to pan out, ALL while only having one car. I was so stressed that I wasn't sleeping good and couldn't function normally. Today I realized this as I was getting ready for work and then the thoughts came about the weekend and I was instantly overwhelmed with anxiety. That was it! I needed to do all and be all, for all and I couldn't. I broke down and asked for help. I told Jake I have most of everything figured out but that I am stretched too thin, that I am stressed everything is going to fall apart and it will reflect badly on me as a wife. I also broke down and asked a friend for help and she provided in a way I never thought she would and the stress weight was lifted in a way I could have never asked for. Now, I am stress free, "NO!" but I now have confidence that no matter what happens, it's not because I am a bad wife, or that I am not good enough. It's just busy and we will make do as we go. I am complete faith in God that what He brings us to – HE will see us through it AND it will all work out for good. Oh what I great God we serve.

So, to those of you I interact with often… I am stressed and need your help and love. When I am on the verge of a mini-panic attack… help me breath and pray. For those of you who read this from a far, thank you for your prayers and helpful tips.

More to come… from the shelf of, "My Life."

Parties, Potlucks, and DRINKS! Oh my!

2010-03-07T08:22:00.000-08:00

This weekend was a small glimpse of the crazieness I have planned next weekend.

On top of this being this busiest weekend of the year because of St. Patty's day festivities at Kell's. I believe I also planned a girls night, Shamrock run, 19 mile bike ride, my parents are moving, brother-in-laws birthday celebration, helping a friend redecorate, and church/book club... while only having one car.

I love being social and being around the people I love, BUT it is so hard sometime when you are around food and drinks. But this weekend my focus was fitness and food. I was going to work out most of the day Saturday and then be able to have a few drinks and some fatty foods that evening and guess what... I DID IT!

I burned 1,420 calories by swimming in the morning, doing a spin class in the afternoon, followed by some running. Before the evening festivities I had burned more calories then I had eaten. At the party I had only one drink - VICTORY! After we left the party I knew I needed to eat, I was hungry and I knew my body was starting to store fat because it thought I was starving it. So, we went to a local pub on the way home and I had one of my favorite sandwiches (Reuben), cheesy fries, and some chips (1857 calories). I still was under my calorie budget for the day and I feel so empowered. I now believe in my self enough to not get discouraged every time I hear of parties, potlucks, and drinks.

I CAN do this!!

Stressful Victory

2010-03-05T10:00:00.000-08:00

Today is my old weigh in day for weight watchers but since I have not canceled yet, I am going to still go and weigh in @ noon. I am really nervous about a gain. Friday, Saturday, Sunday before I started Lose it! I ate out like a pig and I fear a HUGE gain. I have been trying to work out extra to make up for it, but I am not sure it did much good.

Yesterday I have a stressful triumph. I signed up with a new fitness program through my insurance which allows me to go to any of the gyms in the network. Gyms are included in the network are: most 24 hour fitness's, Bally Total Fitness's, Curves', 10^th Ave Athletic Club, Lloyd Athletic Club, and many more. But last week when I went to 24 hour fitness one of the managers was completely rude to me and told me that they do not accept our program anymore and that I would need to contact BCBS. He didn't offer for me to pay a one time fee to work out that day, he didn't ask me he I needed any more information, he didn't offer to help me in anyway, on top of being completely rude. So, I called BCBS last week and told them, they said they would do an investigation. I figured it would be taken care of in a week, so I called 24 hour fitness again yesterday and asked if it had been resolved and if I can come to the gym yet and work out and she said no, but that she would take my name and number and have the other manager call me back. So, I called BCBS again and said I am still not able to go to 24 hour fitness and they took all the needed info; which was a 30 min conversation (OY!) but while I was on the phone with BCBS – 24 hour calls me back. Once, I was off the phone with the yahoo at BCBS I called 24 hour back and the manager said that the other guy didn't know what he was talking about and I can come in whenever to fill out the paperwork and workout if I wanted. I now didn't not have enough time to swim and was meeting a friend for a run in an hour, so I went back to 24 hour and the Lady manager was SUPER nice and totally redeemed the horrible experience from the week before.

I am now all set up and can swim/workout at 24 whenever I want. YEAH! A horrible situation turned GOOD! But after I left 24 hour fitness I really felt the need to eat. I got on my phone and looked up the closest subway and started to look up the calories when I learned that the amount of calories in a foot long chicken sub is close to 1,500 calorie! OUCH! I normally consume 1,500 in ONE day not in one meal. So, I avoided eating subway by going for a walk and then ran/walked with Kim. I ate the dinner I had planned and at the end of the day I was proud of me!!