Generous Redemption

The story I am about to tell you is not a story about me.

It is not a story about all I have done, all I’ll do, or even what I dream to do.

It’s not a story about my life, my achievements or even about what I have accomplished.

It’s not about me.

The story I am about to tell you is about… Jesus.

A story about God who came to earth as a man – who was without sin and became sin so all those who believed in Him would live in eternity forever.

This is a story about grace.

It’s a story about love.

It’s a story about undeniable compassion.

It’s a passionate story about generous redemption.

Generous redemption, irrefutable love, and unquestionable compassion for a wreck like me.

As I sit here and try to think of the words to tell you this amazing story – not about me but about Jesus, I pray, I surrender, and I allow God to speak through my words to tell you a story about Him.

It has been 11 years. Eleven: long, hard, and trying years. Years filled with pain, joy, fun, excitement, love, celebration, depression, addiction, fear, and grace followed by generous redemption.

Psalms 130 says (MSG):

Help, God - the bottom has fallen out of my life! Master, hear my cry for help! 2 Listen hard! Open your ears! Listen to my cries for mercy. 3 If you, God, kept records on wrongdoings, who would stand a chance? 4 As it turns out, forgiveness is your habit, and that's why you're worshiped. 5 I pray to God - my life a prayer - and wait for what he'll say and do. 6 My life's on the line before God, my Lord, waiting and watching till morning, waiting and watching till morning. 7 O Israel, wait and watch for God - with God's arrival comes love, with God's arrival comes generous redemption. 8 No doubt about it - he'll redeem Israel, buy back Israel from captivity to sin.

How many of us can say that forgiveness is our habit? That is why this is not a story about me, but about Jesus.

Oh yeah… 11 years ago…

I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I terminated a pregnancy as a senor in high school. I believed the lie that it would all go away with one “easy” procedure, that tomorrow will be a new day and I could move on as if nothing happened.

What they didn’t tell me that day or the days leading up to the “procedure” was that I would be haunted by that decision for the rest of my life and not only that but I would be prone to terminate more then one pregnancy; which I did just 2 years later.

I easily turned to drug, alcohol and men to fill my God shaped hole for love, affection, and even forgiveness. I was an open book with my past, present and even my panties for which I gave anyone the right to have ownership.

Don’t get down with the gloomy details because this is a story about Jesus.

I spent many years running and many years avoiding what I know in my mind to be truth, in which turning to Jesus was the only way I was going to feel loved and forgiven for all the things I had been trying to numb myself from.

God pursued me time and time again. Just like Ephesians 2 (MSG) says:

1 It wasn't so long ago that you were mired in that old stagnant life of sin. 2 You let the world, which doesn't know the first thing about living, tell you how to live. You filled your lungs with polluted unbelief, and then exhaled disobedience. 3 We all did it, all of us doing what we felt like doing, when we felt like doing it, all of us in the same boat. It's a wonder God didn't lose his temper and do away with the whole lot of us. 4 Instead, immense in mercy and with an incredible love, 5 he embraced us. He took our sin-dead lives and made us alive in Christ. He did all this on his own, with no help from us!

Once God showed me that my life was uncontrollable on my own and turning it all over to Him was what was needed, God started the process of change. I often think of it like a garden, with seasons, flowers, weeds, drought, watering, and a great amount of time spent “tending” to. It’s only through Him is this process of change doable and even successful.

The progression has taken years and with many difficult and different aspects; from one small group to the next support group, to a healing bible study, to a lesson on forgiveness, to sacrificing dreams, and to compassion for the lost. It was all part of His perfect plan for this life that He has graciously given to me.

All this to say, (again) His redemption is generous and my messy life is His message.

Through those years of  “tending” and “groups” I God gave me assurances of His redemption over areas of my life. They are glimpses of all the treasures we will receive in heaven and more.

Today one of those promises was brought full circle (until heaven that is). The trauma I once faced and the pain I always felt when thinking about my children was always a source of great pain and incomplete redemption. I was tortured in my mind and heart and letting God into that broken place was even harder. A couple weeks ago I was at a retreat where we were called to be in communication with God about surrender and if God was calling me to give something over to Him. Through many unbelievable “God moments” and awakenings of my heart I was called to surrender “control”. I don’t exactly know what that looks like to the fullest or even what I am supposed to do with that. But God is walking me through it – plus, if I knew, then I would try to control it. As a result, I am open to hearing God in a new way that calls me to do things I was closed to doing before.

Just today through a series of unfortunate events and God kindness (to help me stay in good spirits). I felt His tender nudging as I occasionally do to make a trip to a garden, which I purposely never made time to visit before.

This garden has a beautiful name.

It has a beautiful purpose.

This garden is not only a memorial but also a place of healing.

It was God designed.

This garden is a place where grace, mercy, and love are poured out often for those who visit out of pain, suffering, healing, and even redemption.

It’s a place for grieving.

This garden is not a “normal” flower garden but one that is watered by tears shed for children who died before birth.

My children’s names are engraved in stone there.

It’s “Naomi’s Garden”

Through this process of change, God has given me what I have needed, when I have needed it, even the smallest things.

When I felt the nudging to visit the garden for the first time, it was a familure nudge that this time I wasn’t willing to ignore. It wasn’t in my schedule, it wasn’t something I planned but since the “unfortunate events” occurred I had the time to do something I had avoided.

Months ago, when I was notified that the names had been engraved I quickly told myself, “It’s done, and you now have peace from the torment.” Which was partly true since God had just walked me though the healing process (last year) but it wasn’t finished.

As I drove up the garden path, my heart raced and my mouth was dry. I felt “justified” in just driving by but I knew God had more for me. I got out of the car, walked down the path and around the corner to the garden surrounded by water. There was a stone at the entrance, which read:

“Blessed are those who grieve, for God will comfort them”

Matthew 5:4

FOR THE GLORY OF GOD,

THE GIVER OF ALL LIFE,

THIS GARDEN IS DEDICATED

IN MEMORY OF PRECIOUS BABIES

SADLY LOST THROUGH ABORTION

OR OTHER TRAGEDY.

MAY THIS BE A PLACE OF COMFORT

FOR THOSE WHO GRIEVE.

In the center of the garden is a stone with a pool of water in the center of the top. On the sides of the stone are names of babies or parents of those who have died.

The garden is beautiful.

I got on my knees and thanked the Lord Jesus for all the precious gifts I have in this life. A wonderful husband, a great family both by birth and marriage, a community of believers who love me for me and share in growing closer to God together, and for all those who have impacted my life in good ways and ways that direct me to Jesus. I have been blessed!

I thanked God for having forgivness as a habit and for the GENEROUS REDEMPTION I have received.

Although I am in this story, it’s a story about Jesus and his undeniable grace and love He has shown me.

This is not the end of this story… just another chapter.

Thank YOU Jesus!