Women's Retreat 2009

It was really hard for me but I had an amazing time.

 

A few days before the retreat Brenda (girl on the prayer team) and I talked on the phone about the last min details and what we needed to get done before Friday. She mentioned that Teresa (Women's ministry coordinator) made some time in the schedule for us to have some corporate time in prayer. It was 15 min before each session. So, she asked me to take on one session and prepare something (10-15 min in length). Those days before the retreat really were hard, I wanted to just call Teresa and tell her I wasn't going to go. I had such a fear in me and I just wanted to tell Brenda that I wasn't up for it. But I didn't call Teresa and I didn't tell Brenda. I just prayed every time I thought about having to pray aloud in front of all those women. I told God that since he brought this to me, He better see me through.. and he did… see Saturday for more info.

 

Friday – I took off from work, so that we could head up early and beat the rush and so we could have some relaxing down time before the days got crazy. I drove up taking Shannon L. (my biking buddy) and Kathy (new believer that is new to our church) in my car. It was a nice drive and totally good conversations about the holy spirit and so much more. The first session wasn't until 7pm that evening, so we just hung out and chit chatted – I helped make sure we had all the encouragement envelopes ready for the last min ladies. I was shocked this year at how many women we had. 108!! That is the most ever. As you know, I was also on the prayer team and I spent some time praying Friday and just enjoying the company of God. After the session, I didn't go to a brake out group, because I chose to be in charge of getting the camp fire ready and going good for all the ladies to come and roast marshmallows and hotdogs. This time alone was great and scary. I was sitting out in the DARK alone and freaked out at what animal might come up and out to get me. I spent this time praying for the women of The Well that they would let the holy spirit move in their lives and really hear God clearly this weekend and I prayed for me and the time that I would have to share in front of the ladies. Once the ladies started coming to the fire I roasted a hot dog and went to bed. It was about 11 or 12.

 

Saturday – I got up early (6am) and spent some much needed time in the word and praying. I was looking to find something meaningful for Michelle Jones (the speaker) so she would be encouraged and I wrote a verse on a card for her and slipped it under her door before breakfast. I also spent some time praying about what God would put on my heart to share for whenever Brenda would come and tell me, "Can you do this session?" that I would be ready – but nothing came to mind. But that morning during breakfast – she did come to me and she did ask me if I could share before this mornings session (my mind said calmly, "Nope." – but I didn't say that). I have to admit I went into complete PANIC mode. I was freaked out. I finished breakfast and went into the prayer room to start preparing what "I" would share. But then I quickly change my thinking into what GOD would have me share. It wasn't me, it wasn't my message, it wasn't my prayer… it was God's. I was looking through my bible and praying and I then remembered the verse I wrote to Michelle, Lamentations 3:22-25… now, I can't remember what all I said that morning, because it truly was not me speaking. God clearly used the women in the prayer team to talk about this verse with me before and then when I got up there, the words flowed freely and openly. I was scared to death and God provided in a way I didn't think he would before. I had a faith like iron and I knew standing up there He was going to use me to do something profound, but what I didn't know is that, that profound thing, was done IN ME. He came through and showed me his love when I had the most fear. He was so faithful even in my fear. I not only READ out loud in front of 108 women but I prayed and it was dynamic and moving. People at my table had no idea I was so afraid and had no clue about my decade long fear of praying aloud. I was smiling from ear to ear the rest of the trip. I was moved to tears during worship that morning and still feel like God is blessing me in that area. During break that day I slept. I took a couple hour nap and spent some time praying and writing encouragement notes. Then it was time for dinner and session 3… all the sessions were so wonderful and I got so much out of them, but I honestly believe that my message from God at this retreat was prayer and trusting in HIM to do the work in me. That it's not my work, its HIS work – therefore, there is NOTHING I can do to make it better or complete it… He has to do it in HIS timing and in HIS way… I just need to follow HIS leading and stop trying to control everything. I have had such a peace these days and I have been more calm and not near as irritable or insensitive. I have been able to find joy in the irritating things in life, and I am trusting God more. Its really been great. My brake out group was awesome. I got to know more women at The Well and it was just AMAZING! I am blessed to now have more friends that love Jesus and that honestly want to see me grow in HIM!

 

Sunday – the morning Chapel was great. Mercedes (girl from church) read her poem with such power and conviction. Michelle's message poured out over then women and we were blessed. I was so tired on the ride home that I had to trust in God again not to snap at my passengers. I was tired and just wanted to be home and the drive felt like it took forever. Then when I got home, I got ready for the week and off to bed. I had NO time to process what the Lord had been doing all weekend and the stress crept in on my Sunday night. The retreat was quickly forgotten.

 

Monday – Thursday – was some of the most stress I have ever felt in my life. Looking back, I was under SERIOUS spiritual attack. I did my work in payroll, just plugged away at what I could do and just kept calm and joyful. Smiled a lot to hide the stress. I didn't freak out at work, I was as Jesus like as I could be and I felt successful for sure. But then Thursday I lost all hope that I could do it and keep it together. When I got home from work I went looking for wine… drank WAY too much and I failed in the sin department BIG TIME. I went down in a ball of flames. I even thought in those moments, that I need to just turn to Jesus and I didn't. I chose to get drunk and I chose to feel comfort from outside things, and I felt instant shame. All day Thursday the devil was in my ear telling me I am not good enough and that I am screwing up so many things at work, and that I am not a good daughter or a good wife. So, I wanted to destroy myself and feel comfort and to feel no pain or hurt. So, I drank. The SHAME was unbearable and I confessed and prayed and repented. It took a couple days for me to forgive myself (even though our father is QUICK to forgive).

 

Friday I had most of the day off from work (since I didn't feel good from the night before). I mopped around the house and watched like 4 movies. One of Jake's best friends is in town from Germany and Jake called me about 6pm and said they are going to come out to the house and hang out. In my head I was like… OH NO YOU ARE NOT! Well… our house was JUST short a what a mine field would look like – so, instead of telling Jake NO that I am not up for company and that my pity party was more important then him and his boys. I said, "Can you stall? I need 2 hours." I needed to shower and clean the whole house. Which I did while listening to Fred Hammond and CeCe Winnis. Just as I finished cleaning the whole house I realized my attitude had flipped I was excited to have company and I was happy I was able to bless my husband. He had the boys over and they mostly hung out outside at the fire pit. Jake then told me his friend Paul was going to stay the night on our couch and I was instantly in blessing mode. I said to myself – he isn't sleeping on out old crappy couch. I pulled out a  mattress and put it on our nice clean floors and put sheets on it, and made it all up nice for him. Then I finished my movie and went to bed (11pm – which is really late for me). Jake came to be at 4am and I wasn't mad… which usually I would have been. I was thankful that he got to spend that time with his friends and be "men".

 

I think that part of last weeks craziness is that I felt so overwhelmed with EVERYTHING… not being able to really process the retreat, work, my parents selling my childhood home, a dear friend moving away and not really telling me, because I had to hear it from someone else, Jake and I joined a prayer cell group this season, I have fifty million bible studies going on, and then just not getting in the word. So… I had so much going on but I am so blessed all at the same time.

 

Saturday I arose around 7:30 and made coffee and breakfast for Jake and Paul because I am a GOOD wife. Then it was off to my parents house – where I am helping as much as I can with their move because they now have to be out by 11/1. So, being the GOOD daughter I am, I went to help. I was out to prove satin wrong and be as Jesus like as I could.

 

Sunday - morning was our women's book study on as Silver refined – which was amazing. It was a time of reflection and talking about mistakes that were made and how to overcome sin in the future. I felt so energized for Jesus. Since I had no time this last week (or just chose not to spend the time) with Jesus I chose to rearrange our house so I would have a Jesus/reading nook. That evening I took full advantage of that reading space and spent HOURS with Jesus, reading the bible, praying, listening and reading verses, and reading my book study. I was so blessed in that time.

 

Monday - I had a great day, I had a vacations day previously planned. I woke up around 8:30 (which is really late for me). I made some coffee had breakfast, and spent some time with Jesus in my "Jesus nook". Then I was off to lunch with the hubby, then to weight watchers (to get back on track with that) UP to 229lbs, and then to powell's books to get "Sex, Food, and God – learning to overcome addiction" then to pick up Kathy for a hike with Bonnie in the Gorge. Then a Monday night bible study at my sister in laws house. Then HOME… to bed.

 

I am feeling so bless about the mistake I have made and the grace I am constantly shown by our Father.

 

Sorry its been so long since my last blog. I will try to work harder to get more blogs out.

Weight Loss Journey update - Day 292 223.2 lbs - 48 lbs gone

Alright, its been a while since I have blogged about my weight loss journey… and with good reason… I have been eating so horribly and have gained. 

My lowest weight to date is 208lbs on July 31^st. 

Today - 223.2 lbs 

48 lbs gone

Its sad because I was doing so well and then I had the voice in my head telling me… "YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE… enjoy the food you eat and don't count EVERYTHING!" So, I stopped counting, which lead to less running, which lead to eating things that weren't so healthy, which lead to NOT running, which lead to eating whatever and whenever I wanted. OY… it's a slippery slop!

So, I emailed a close friend and told her I was on the verge of just give it all up (weight loss). That I just wanted to live a FUN filled life and she "threw me to the wolves" IN LOVE! She had some words of wisdom that change it all for me. Here is just SOME of what she wrote that got me to thinking more clearly and LESS selfishly.

So here's the deal – no sugar coating it babe!  You HAVE to walk in self-control EVERY day, in EVERY area!

Proverbs 25:28
"Like a city whose walls are broken down is a man who lacks self-control."

Of course we jack up, screwing up shouldn't be a regular thing though.  It should happen less and less as we discipline ourselves.  I'm not bringing a gavel down on ya…but that was a CRAZY day, I'm not going to act like it wasn't.  I completely appreciate your honesty though. You are right, we only live once…but we are to be a good steward of this ONE life we've been blessed with an opportunity of living.  Do we offer a life with Gold to the Lord or a life full of dross that is burnt away to the Lord (sounds extreme since we are talking about "food.")  If we lived with that theory of one life, live it up – I'm going to be honest, your life would be full of sex, alcohol, drugs, and indulging in every food my heart desires.  OH MY GOODNESS…those are the things this "flesh", of YOUR desires…those are those things the define "living it up" to my sinful nature.  I've learned that this one life leads to an eternal one though – and although in the sense of food, our earthly bodies fade away…those bodies are still a temple for God to dwell in on this earth and if this temple can't function properly b/c of my own decision…what makes it any different that when Jesus turned the temple tables because the "religious" people defiled the church?

Once a week – have a 2000 calorie day. You can enjoy food still – just be conscious of what you are taking in – hold yourself accountable on your free day, journal them – when is your free day, I want to hear how it goes EVERY WEEK!  You HAVE to do something different and avoid those melt down food days.  On my free days I've learned, it's not a "free for all," I generally have one "fun meal" and keep the others balanced and in moderation.  Then I'm getting that "fix" for the week on my cravings – yet I can go to bed guilt free.  I have had enough of the days like you described to know now how crappy I feel afterwards and it's just not worth it.  That is exactly how sin and lack of self control (which is still sin), make us feel.  The devil will NEVER get in your face and say, "Here, I want to give you heart disease, anger, self hate, disappointment, guilt, shame and condemnation…I'm offering free samples."  Nope, he always masks things to where our flesh is doing the looking rather than our spirits and we give in to that flesh.  THEN the reality kicks in after we've indulged and are brought to that low place afterwards.  We HAVE to remember, misery loves company – the devil already knows his fate and he wants to make as many people miserable right along with him – I absolutely believe food addiction is a strong addiction that if not controlled can lead us astray just as any other – it's gluttony.  I'm talking to myself too…the queen of gluttony, I didn't end up 342.2 lbs because I've always eaten one serving and love fresh fruit.  Lol.

"Be SELF-CONTROLLED and alert" the devil can sneak into our lives with food addiction the same way he does with any other addiction, that's why SEXUAL and FOOD addictions are two of the hardest addictions to break.  We have to constantly remember that WE are a temple of the Holy Spirit and Christ lives in us, but do we want to constantly pollute this temple with the things the flesh desires, whether it be "gluttonous behaviors, pornography, alcohol, smoking, rage" = SIN.

Hmmm…I've said WAY more than I ever intended on saying and if I ticked you off…I'm half sorry just b/c I don't want you to be mad…but days like yesterday HAVE to stop Beth.  Like for real…I say that because I ONLY WISH someone would have said it to me when I would eat like that…difference was I was doing it 4-5 times a week.  ONE of those days is bad…4-5 times a week changes my profession to a grave digger…and people daily let me keep digging that grave.

You've done AMAZING with your weight loss – wow, you look so good (not that you didn't before) – but it's how it improves your physical health that I smile over soooo much more.

NEXT EMAIL SHE SENT:

…it very much so is a spiritual battle.  Ya know, I think a lot more is a spiritual battle than we are really aware of at times.

Ephesians 6:12
"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."

Anytime we are struggling with self control there is an internal battle taking place over WHATEVER it may be.  Whenever we can't control ourselves and we indulge – we are allowing that thing to become an idol to us in that moment – we get tunnel vision and ALL we want in that moment of time is that "thing" and our flesh is often not appeased until we either get it or lean on God's strength to resist it. We are to "fix our eyes on JESUS, the author and finisher of our faith…"  Imagine how incredibly cool it would be if we were able to get than tunnel vision on Christ and desire HIM as much as we desire those "things."  WOW!  That would be a good day for me. :-)

Then, the SAME DAY I was reading my NEW book "As Silver Refined: Leaning to Embrace Life's Disappointments" by Kay Arthur) and these are some excerpts that I pieced together from her book:

"At any moment , if you are experiencing anything BUT victory, if your thoughts are anything less then obedient to Jesus Christ, stop and ask yourself: "WHY am I thinking these thoughts? WHY am I feeling this way?

Do you realize that how your think really determines how you behave? So, consider your thought patterns. Ponder how they affect you. Proverbs 4:26 "Ponder the path of your feet" Haggai 1:5,7 "Consider your ways.

Therefore, either you must learn to take your thoughts captive – or the deceiver will take you captive with your thoughts!

That's why we're told, "Be transformed by the renewing of your mind" Romans 12:2

Your mind is all-important. What is yours dwelling on? Scripture tells us, "Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things" (Philippians 4:8)."

Talk about confirmation! God was speaking to me a new way and boy, oh boy, are my ears open. Plus, these things have such a double and sometimes triple meanings in all other areas of my life.

So, I have recommitted to this weight loss plan and I have new goals and a great group of people to walk through it with.

ONE YEAR GOAL (12.1.09):UNDER 200lbs 

½ Marathon is still on the books for October 18th and I am SO NOT ready… but I committed 20 weeks ago to do it and I am not backing down! It is going to be hard and it is going to suck… but I am a woman of my word and I will run 13.2 miles on 10/18! 

 

STAY TOONED for more info on my walk with God… its been one heck of a WONDERFUL journey so far (and as you can see, I am learning SO much!).

Running Schedule

I have not been running! There… its out. I have been procrastinating, avoiding, and down right ignoring my training for my Half Marathon. I am now 6 weeks away and can hardly run 5 mile without stopping. It is about time I get off my butt and just do it… I am 100% in this and I am going for the gold (I mean, not really, I will not win the race, but I will finish – with the goal of NO WALKING).

For accountability purposes… here is my schedule:

9/8/2009 3
9/9/2009 Rest
9/10/2009 4
9/11/2009 3
9/12/2009 Rest
9/13/2009 6
9/14/2009 Rest
9/15/2009 3
9/16/2009 Rest
9/17/2009 5
9/18/2009 3
9/19/2009 Rest
9/20/2009 8
9/21/2009 Rest
9/22/2009 3
9/23/2009 Rest
9/24/2009 5
9/25/2009 3
9/26/2009 Rest
9/27/2009 10
9/28/2009 Rest
9/29/2009 4
9/30/2009 5
10/1/2009 Rest
10/2/2009 4
10/3/2009 Rest
10/4/2009 11
10/5/2009 Rest
10/6/2009 4
10/7/2009 Rest
10/8/2009 6
10/9/2009 4
10/10/2009 Rest
10/11/2009 12
10/12/2009 Rest
10/13/2009 3
10/14/2009 Rest
10/15/2009 3
10/16/2009 walk 2
10/17/2009 Rest
10/18/2009 13.2 RACE DAY!

God

These last week I have just been ON FIRE for God and I can't really describe the feeling… but its like a thirst that I can't quench… I just can't get enough of His word, books that teach me about him and praying. This on fire feeling couldn't have come at a better time because I was beginning to wonder if my stale relationship with God was terminal. I always wondered how to get out of that "funk" and get more in touch with God and through this growth process I am learning that Its not just ONE thing.

PRAYER

No matter how uncomfortable or how much I really didn't "feel" like praying, I made a commitment that each and every time I thought of prayer – I would just do it. In return, my prayer life has become something extraordinary and my personal relationship with God has transformed into something astonishing. Those of you who know me, know that my prayer life has always been a little slow moving and even terrifying. To pray aloud was as if you were about to do surgery on me. I tried to do it alone and quietly (so no one would know I was struggling in this area) and that worked about as well as sleeping with the lights on. So… a few months ago to jump in head first and join the prayer team for the women's retreat – which was not only frightening but a true work of God. Then, within a couple weeks of joining the prayer team, Jake and I were approached by our "church parents" (who were the people who did our premarital counseling and who we call when we need to work through "stuff") and we were asked to be apart of a core team of people at our church to do a prayer group and weekly gatherings. This shocked me and at first I was like, "No way I am doing that, prayer is a scary enough thing without having to do it aloud." But Jake and I asked the Lord what he wanted us to do and we felt his leading. We committed to the prayer group and needless to say, I almost had a breakdown. In committing to do all this "outside" prayer, I also chose to start deepening my prayer relationship with God by starting my day out with prayer. I opened myself up to my husband and Joanne by emailing my prayers to help me to start making prayer habitual and to have accountability. My prayers started with the staples: I rejoice in thanksgiving for all that I have been given and I give my life over to God that His will be done in my life, and I ask for situation that will help me grow the fruits of the spirit ("…love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness [integrity], faithfulness, gentleness [humility], and self-control." Gal. 5:22). I can sincerely say, God is doing a work in me, through my prayer life.

RELATIONSHIPS

In the last year, I have had some true heart breaks and unexpected triumphs in the friendship category. I have been shown and realized that my life was much like 1Cor.13:1-5 "If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, rude, self-seeking, easily angered." Just as Timothy Keller states in the Galatians study, "We can help others and do lots of Christian activities as a way to convince ourselves and others (and God) that we are "something." This is a form or works-righteousness. When gifts are used that way, there are tell-tale signs of impatience, irritability, pride, hurt feelings, jealousy. The fruit of the Spirit then grows as we remember the gospel, rejoice in our salvation, and use our gifts as a sacrifice of thanksgiving. As a result, our helping others will be done in humility, love, patience, tenderness." Seeing that my life and attitude was caused by my works-righteousness and self-centeredness, I started looking to revolutionize my way of life and turned to God for help. I met with Joanne again to help me see where I have been going wrong and how to fix it. She instantly thought of the Galatians study and it was then that I cracked it open (FULLY) and was moved to change!

EXCERP FROM Timothy Keller's Study of Paul's Letter to the Galatians

THE UNITY OF THE FRUIT

"Love believes all things, hopes all things…" (1 Cor.13:7) "The fruit of the Spirit is

love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, selfcontrol."

(Gal.5:22)

These two statements are remarkable. Though Paul talks of "faith, hope, and love" in 1

Cor.13:13, in v.7 he says that love has faith and has hope. If you have love you will have

faith and hope! In Gal.5:22 he deliberately uses the singular word "fruit" to describe a

whole list of character traits. From this we learn a very important point for

understanding and discerning the fruit of the Spirit.

This means that the real fruit of the Spirit always grow up together. When we look at

the list of traits in the "fruit lists" (1 Cor.13:4-7; Gal.5:22-23) we notice that we are

naturally stronger in some rather than others. But our strengths, apart from the Holy

Spirit, are due to natural temperament (we have a trait through brain chemistry and early

training), or to natural self-interest (we learned a trait in order to handle some issue or

condition we met). For example, some people are temperamentally gentle and

diplomatic (gentleness). But the sign that this is not due so much to the Holy Spirit is

that such people are usually not bold or courageous (faithfulness). Because of what Paul

says about the unity of the fruit, this means that the gentleness is not real spiritual

humility, but just temperamental sweetness. John says, "If a man says, 'I love God,'

and hates his brother, he is a liar." Notice that he does not say, "If a man loves God but

doesn't love his brother, he is unbalanced." No, he says he is a liar. True love to God

(love) goes along with love to others (kindness). If they are not all there, they are not

there at all.

There are many, many cases of this. Some folks seem happy and bubbly (joy) and are

good at meeting new people, but are very unreliable and cannot keep friends

(faithfulness). This is not real joy but just extroversion. Some people seem very

unflappable and unbothered — peaceful — but they are not kind or gentle. That is not

real peace, but indifference and perhaps cynicism. It enables you to get through the

difficulties of life without being always hurt, but it desensitizes you and makes you

much less approachable.

THE DEFINITIONS OF THE FRUIT

1. Agape – love

Definition – To serve a person for their good and intrinsic value, not for what the person

brings you.

Opposite – Fear: self-protection and abusing people.

Counterfeit – Selfish affection. Rescuing someone but really rescuing self. Attracted not

to person, but to how this person's love makes you feel about yourself.

2. Chara – joy

Definition – Delight in God and his salvation for sheer beauty and worth of who he is.

Opposite – Hopelessness, despair.

Counterfeit – Elation that comes with blessings not the Blesser! Mood swings based on

circumstances.

3. Irene – peace

Definition – Confidence and rest in the wisdom and sovereignty of God more than your

own

Opposite – Anxiety and worry

Counterfeit – Indifference, apathy, not caring about something. "I don't care."

4. Makrothumia – patience

Definition – Ability to take trouble (from others or life) without blowing. To suffer joyfully.

Opposite – Resentment toward God and others.

Counterfeit – Cynicism. Self-righteousness. "This is too small to be bothered about."

5. Chrestotes – kindness

Definition – Practical kindness with vulnerability out of deep inner security.

Opposite – Envy. Unable to rejoice other's joy

Counterfeit – Manipulative good deeds. "Right hand knowing what left hand is doing."

Self-congratulation and self-righteousness.

6. Agathosune – goodness (integrity)

Definition – Honesty, transparency. Being the same in one situation as another.

Opposite – Phoniness; hypocrisy.

Counterfeit – Truth without love. "Getting it off the chest" for your sake.

7. Pistis – faithfulness

Definition – Loyalty. Courage. To be principle-driven, committed, utterly reliable. True to

one's word.

Opposite – Opportunist. Fair-weather friend.

Counterfeit – Love without truth. Being loyal when you should be willing to confront or

challenge.

8. Prautas – gentleness (humility)

Definition – Self-forgetfulness.

Opposite – Superiority: self-absorbed self-aggrandizement.

Counterfeit – Inferiority: self-absorbed, self-consciousness.

9. Egkrateia – self-control

Definition – Ability to choose the urgent over the important thing.

Opposite – A driven, impulsive, uncontrolled person.

Counterfeit – Willpower through pride or through more "functional" idols.

READING

In this time of enlightenment and growth, I have been taking this time to learn as much as I can. I am currently reading "The Seeking Heart" by Fenelon and doing "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge. In reading these books, they have me all twisted up for God and I can't seem to get enough. The things I am learning are as if I have never heard them before and it's totally exciting.

LISTENING TO GOD

Recently I have been really listening and just being quiet with God. This use to be something I really struggled with because I wasn't sure if I believed enough or could be quiet enough to hear Him and really didn't even know if He was talking to me. So, last year (after the women's retreat) I emailed Michelle Jones (our speaker and friend) about listening and hearing God and her email still sticks with me today. This is what she wrote (and much more – which I edited out for personal reasons):

Hi Beth,

As for hearing God better, from what I'm reading here, you have pretty good ears. I'm not just saying that. Yours is not a hearing problem. Yours is a confidence problem. Two things: 1) You're not going to be right all the time about what you hear, no matter how mature you become as a Christian. 2) Your faith is in God, and His love for you, not in your spiritual ears. He's not waiting for you to screw up or miss something so He can tell you how much better He is than you. GOD WANTS US TO SUCCEED IN THIS LIFE. He tells us to walk by faith, not perfection. Your confidence has to be in Him.

When you're listening to God by yourself, make sure that what you believe you hear is not contradicted by the Word. That's the first order of business. For example, I had a guy tell me once that God gave him permission to walk away from his marriage because he was unhappy (His wife wanted to work out their issues). That doesn't agree with the Word, so it is pretty doubtful that he was hearing God even if he believed he was. When you are listening to God through other people, it should again, be consistent with the Word, and it should also confirm something that has been stirring in your heart already. That's a little harder to discern, but when someone tells me something, I tend to take it through a few more checks than if I am by myself. I want to make sure that I'm not just following someone because I think they are closer to God than I am, you know?

The same way breathing is necessary for your physical life, prayer is spiritual breathing. Try to face God and lean on Him to understand your life as it is unfolding.

Here's what I want you to think about. It is God Who does the work in us. He's the one who empowers us to stay "right" with Him. It is tempting to say, "I'm going to fast alcohol," and forget that YOU ARE NOT DOING IT FOR GOD. HE IS DOING IT FOR YOU. You have admitted to your weakness in that area. Now if you choose to submit to Him, He can empower you to keep on this path if you believe in Him and not your own ability and strength. I gotta say, I'm excited about your future. Reading your email has inspired me in certain areas of my own life.

The work for us is not to hear God better, but to hear him as best we can and leave the getting better up to Him. You will realize one day that His voice has gotten stiller, smaller and quieter, but you will be more attuned to it, and you won't even know how it happened. He really can't trust most of us with too much process because we'd be too ready to take things out of his hands and become "do-it-yourself Christians." Where would the caterpillar be if he tried to make his own wings? He wouldn't know how to do it anymore than we would know how to become the women of God's vast and magnificent imagination.

We are so much alike, you and me; stubborn at first and wanting more information all the time, but in the end, if we are honest, we love Him and want Him to be pleased with us. I am learning though that I have been trying to make myself presentable to Him so He would smile and say "Atta Girl!" but He is so happy to have me "home" with Him after this weekend. He is smiling and kissing me and calling me "Abba's Girl," which is way better than the temporary high of Atta Girl. We're His beloved daughters, and we have only to treat Him as Father to see that and know it daily.

I hope these words help. If I have left anything unsaid, or if you have any thoughts or questions, I hope you'll feel free to email. Again, thank you for making my day today. I really needed your words. They are helping me to guard the precious gift God gave to us all at the retreat.

THIS IS NOT MY WORK TO DO. This is God's work in me. Our job is to ADMIT to the humanity in us, and then SUBMIT to the divinity in us. We can do this, Beth.

I love you sister,

Michelle

Ride ReportS

Monday
ROCKY BUTTE

JetPack BlueBirds were on the move once again. After a couple weeks off from riding we started up again my choosing to ride up Rocky Butter. We met at our church on 1st and Broadway in NE and traveled side streets to Fremont and up Rocky Butte Rd. Once we got to the bottom of the hill its about 1.3 mile CLIMB to the top. I was hoping to ride it all the way to the top without stopping, but as usual I pushed too hard and couldn’t sustain. I stopped twice before getting to the top (Shannon – kept on pedaling, being the ROCK STAR that she is, she didn’t stop once! Right on sista-friend!). We took in the views and then the fun down hill! YIPPY! It was a total of 9 miles – since I finished at 78th and Prescott. Just a wonderful ride for a Monday afternoon.

Yesterday
AURORA RIDE

I choose to go on a ride after work (started at 5pm) because I knew the country side is beautiful this time of year and I wanted to see it in all God’s glory. I started out right by the Aurora Airport and went down by the Langdon Farms Golf Course to Charbonneau overpass, where I crossed over I-5 and rode on Butteville Rd along the river. I didn’t have a clear view of the river but I was able to see it from time to time through the trees and the NICE houses. The land was beautiful out there and the smells were intense. It was just me (a few cars) and the open road – SO BEAUTIFUL! I then road down by Champoeg State park and then I headed south on French Prairie. The road I chose were lightly traveled with equally as many semi-trucks and service vehicles as there was cars. Half the ride had a good shoulder and the other half it didn’t much matter because the traffic was so light. The road was bumpy in parts but mostly smooth and well kept… but with this ride you need to be vigilant because there are random dips in the road that cause pain the your nether regions. I stayed on French Prairie for about 10 miles till I got to St. Louis Rd where I went up and over I-5 into Gervais and then North on Pacific HWY 99. It was about 7:30pm when I realized I had 11 miles to go and wasn’t going to make it before dark. I called Jake and he came and got me in Woodburn – since I don’t have a light and didn’t think it wise to continue in the dark. I can’t wait to be able to do this ride in its entirety. Total 32.4 miles… not too shabby.

Counseling

Yesterday I met with a counselor and I was so encouraged. I went to the session expecting to have TONS of work to complete on myself (which I do) but was equally encouraged that I am doing exactly what the Lord would want me to do. I told her about my issues with addition and how I feel my addiction is looking for a new home and she disagreed to a degree. She expressed to me her feelings and suggested that maybe it’s more of an issue with idolatry with comfort. Which really make sense because right now I feel like my skin is crawling and I just want to be calm and relaxed. This is why I have turned to food, drugs, alcohol, and other addictions in my past. We read some scripture together and talked about how we can apply this to our lives.

Galatians 5:16-19 (English Standard Version)

Walk by the Spirit
16But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. 17For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. 18But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. 19Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, 20idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, 21envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. 22But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. 24And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.
25If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit. 26 Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another.
We then talked about how we overcome such idolatries and how we can turn it over to God and ask to receive the Holy Spirit and grow through such feelings.

I also wanted to talk about my short tempered nature and how to be less critical and sometimes mean spirited. We read James 4:1-10 together:

James 4 (English Standard Version)

Warning Against Worldliness
1What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? 2You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. 3You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions. 4 You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. 5Or do you suppose it is to no purpose that the Scripture says, "He yearns jealously over the spirit that he has made to dwell in us"? 6But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, "God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble." 7Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8 Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. 9 Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. 10 Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you.

Again, I am constantly learning submission to God and letting him do HIS work in me, for it is not my work. It is HIS!!

This is a growing process for me and I constantly learning that God’s love needs to be enough for me. To not look outwardly for things that only God should be providing, making him #1 in my life, where all other things should come second.

My prayer this morning:

Today…. Father, I give my life to you. I ask you show and teach me all you would like me to learn and see. You are the potter and I am the clay… mold me Father. Your never ending grace and love pours over me daily and without you I am lost. I also ask you be with Jake today as we go through life together. I ask you help me to be a better wife and when things get frustrating to turn them over to you and not waver in my commitment to be more like you. You are always providing for us, even in our constant frailness. Thank you… thank you so much for showing me your grace in life, I have been blessed with the most amazing husband and will forever be thankful to you for that gift. As we grow closer to you I ask you lead the way – especially in this time of transition with starting this prayer team. I ask for your guidance to all who are involved that it would be exactly what you intended and want it to be. Show us what you would have us to learn and open my heart to the Holy Spirit. I struggle daily with my wants and needs and I feel that this is a laundry list of the things I “want” – therefore I have one more request… that your will be done… I don’t want to run my life, for I have tried that before and you had to carry me out. So, please take the wheel and guild me, show me the way, and teach me… for I am your student and LONG to be just like you. Thank you for your unconditional love and constant blessings. I choose JOY in all the trials I may face and I ask for help to see you in my hard times. Please forgive me for my outbursts of anger when things don’t go my way, its hard to think outside of myself. I also need forgiveness for all the others sins I have committed that I may not remember or know were sins, please show me when I am not doing what is right and pure – for I long to be like you. Thank you again for taking all my sins up on that cross, for without you I would be a mess… I am still a mess, but I am growing to be better with your help. In all these things, I pray in your sons, most precious name, AMEN.

Back on Track

The last few weeks I didn't do so well with my food and exercise. Friday was my first weight in since July 31st and it was NOT pretty. I gained 17.5 lbs in just 21 day (with pizza, beer, a gallon of ice cream and as much food as I could eat as fast as I could eat it). I was so mad at myself when i stepped on the scale that I almost just quite all together, but I am not known for quitting and I wasn't about to start. I stayed angry that day and forgave and moved on the next. I have been doing okay on my eating and still have not worked out. Tomorrow I do have a plan to eat right and to go for a bike ride with my JetPack BlueBird rider Ren (Shannon L.).

These last weeks as you probably read, were very eye opening. I am learning and growing in ways that I never have before and I continue to allow God to do a work in my heart. I am not giving up on this addiction fight and I am going to see a family friend counselor tomorrow. I am hoping that with her experience, talents, and God given gifts that she can help me to learn new ways of dealing with stress and pain in my life.

I have not always been a cheering wonderful person to be around and I have started reading a new book. "Emotional Bullshit" by Carl Alasko, Ph. D. So, stay tooned as I hope to learn a lot and I hope to impliment some new ways of thinking and reacting.

As for everything else in life... today is my 28th Birthday.

Cheers... to a good week to come!!

Heavy-hearted

My relationship with God has flat lined once again… prayer this week has been non-existent and we have struggled to remember to read our Psalm. I do long for a better relationship, but I constantly sing the same song. But I am still working on making these things habits in my walk.

STOP… wait just a min… I just had a thought/feeling. Is this an attack from Satin? Is my relationship with God on track and this is the devil trying to get me to lose my way? I know I have said this before, but the devil is in my head, he has moved in and is NOT paying rent… its time to kick him out and take my life and MY MIND back. My goal this week… I am going to CRY out to God each and every time I feel my mind is getting the best of me, I am going to hand it over to the Almightily and not let it go any further without it going through Him first. Phew… I feel like I am making some progress. Two steps forward and one step back, is still moving forward!

Now for some SERIOUS HONESTY.

I. am. an. addict.

I will not give you THE LONG list of addictions and the dates/order they occurred in, but the short version of my addictions are: drugs, sex, porn, alcohol, attention, food, men, stealing, and I am sure much more. It’s been a bumpy road (of my own doing) and it has never stopped. Currently its been food… as you all know.

I am learning through this weight loss journey that my addiction has always transferred from one thing to the next. These past weeks my skin has just been crawling with anxiety and I wasn’t sure what it all was about. I found myself wanting to drink more alcohol (but I was too concerned about the calories), I started thinking back on all the drug days (only remembering the good things of course), I was more crabby and irritable, and I just felt uneasy about most things. Working out wasn’t an issues as much as it was harder to stay away from my trigger foods. I wanted pizza, Chinese food, candy, milk shakes, sonic, and most everything that I had stopped eating since this weight loss journey. I would think about how I was going to get food, drugs, or alcohol without anyone knowing and I was feeling the rebellion welling up inside. I felt like I couldn’t stop it and that is was all out of my control. With giving in a couple times in the past weeks I honestly didn’t feel any better. In fact, I felt worse… after eating bad foods, and drinking a few drinks to relax the feelings and emotions were STILL all there when the comfort of the moment went away. Before in my life I would have just continued to medicate those anxieties but this week, I stopped….. and started to wonder and think about those feelings. Instead of putting up my shield to keep from looking at them, I stared them straight in the face and asked WHY? I have been listening to them and letting the Lord work in my heart through them. Not doing what I “feel” I want to do but listening to WHY I am wanting to do them. I still don’t have the answers but I am aware and being vigilant to not let this rule me anymore.

So, these last weeks have been enlightening as I am pushing through to NOT let the addictions run me anymore. I have agreed that maybe counseling would help and we are in the process of looking into the cost and the perfect fit for a counselor. I have struggled with not wanting to pay for it in the past and worried that we will pay out of pocket for all this counseling and STILL have it not help. But I am trusting and praying for the RIGHT counselor that won’t cost me an arm and a leg to attend. Now, please know this about me, I am a do it myself type person and going to counseling isn’t something I am looking forward to. Currently I am open to the idea but I am not excited nor pleased that it has come to this. I am trying to stay open and honest, as lies only increase the susceptibility to fall into negative behaviors.

Now, I wrestled with posting all these things because some of you may wonder at the type of person I am and even cause you to disconnect from me. But I am also confidant that the Lord can do a work THROUGH me in this time of struggle and learning. This blog has always been a place of honesty and transparency and I am not about to let it be a place where I only share partial truths. I think it’s also important to tell you that my husband, Jake, and I talk openly about this and I have asked him if its ok with him to share all these intimate thoughts and feelings. We believe that through hard work, honestly/openness and with the Lords help, we can overcome.

All that being said, I am extremely worried that I will loose friendships through this, just as I have lost friendships through my weight loss journey. I expressed these fears to a friend of mine who was very wise in helping me see that when I look at these struggles and think about my life, for the first time, I can honestly say I love myself and the person I am becoming. Before I would have blamed my “issues” on depression and/or low self-esteem but now I see its deeper then that. When Denna was talking about her own struggles she said, “But what I’m figuring out, and it is HARD, is that for the first time I really like myself and I'm not a bad person. Those other people that liked me, didn't really like ME because I wasn't being me. I was being who they wanted me to be…. and now, I'm just me. Take it or leave it. God created me. Who am I to question and challenge who he made me to be? of course, that doesn't mean He doesn't want me to work on myself but He does want to me to love myself.” Its possible that I have put on this facade to “look” all put together when I was truly struggling inside. My only hope is that you can truly see my heart and walk with me through life. As we all have struggles and I hope one day I can be there for you.

“You are not a victim. you are a survivor!”

Portland Bridge Pedal - 37 Miles

It was 5am when my alarm went off. I rolled out of bed and wondered where my excitement had gone for today’s event. It must have been the time of the morning… because I had been looking forward to the Bridge Pedal all month.

We got the bikes on the car and headed toward the start. We parked at our church and rode to the start from there (only 5 or 6 blocks). We were meeting Shannon Liedtke at the corner of Fremont and Williams because with the crowds we may have never found each other.

Click here for turn-by-turn directions

We moseyed on to the Kerby Ave. on ramp to the Fremont Bridge and waited for the ride to start. It was a total of 37 miles and it crossed 11 bridges. We started out going up the Fremont Bridge (upper deck - south)… where they had some support tents (with Coffee and bike gallery to help fix any issues) and drummers playing fun beats as we rode by. Jake needed to stop at the bike gallery tent to have his seat fixed, since it was dropping and Shannon needed some coffee. I took some pictures and we rode on. We went down hill and traveled on HWY 405 going south (which I might add is an UP HILL – that I never noticed in a car) and the next bridge was the Marquam (upper deck - north) – where there was MORE support tents (with Root beer and another bike gallery tent for support)… we only stopped to have pictures and continued down into the industrial areas (over by OMSI). We traveled on McLoughlin Blvd and through a residential area (where there was a rest stop with donuts, bananas and water) and onto the Sellwood Bridge – which was narrow and didn’t have any support tents. We dropped down onto McAdam ave and then into Natio Pkwy to the Hawthorne Bridge; which was interesting because they covered the metal grating with plywood and it was a little scary because the plywood would bounce with each rider, and it could have popped the wood up and caused an accident. But I was vigilant and it didn’t cause me any issues but the sounds were cool when you rode over it. Once over the Hawthorne we headed south onto Powell to cross the Ross Island bridge. Then we headed north and then south (on First, Lincoln, Fourth, College, and Fifth – to the 405 on ramp) and back over the Marquam (upper deck) for the 2nd time. We stopped to have some root beer and then we were off again but this time, we headed North past the skate park to the Burnside bridge where we then went through Chinatown to the Broadway bridge. At this point we stopped at a rest stop and waited for Jake to come around the corner but he didn’t stop and we didn’t know it so, we continued on thinking he was WAY behind when he was in fact WAY in front… that speedster. We only had three bridges left and Shannon and I were going strong. We then went across the Fremont bridge (upper deck) for the 2nd time which is when things got a little more hairy. At this time, the bridge stride walkers were crossing the bridge and making most cyclist stop – which caused a huge back up on the hill up the Fremont bridge. We didn’t stop on this bridge because of all the craziness and issues with foot traffic, so we continued on down the Fremont onto Vaughn street where we continued to have HIGH pedal traffic and lots of kids who didn’t really know what they were doing. This HIGH traffic continued the rest of the ride, because all the different lengths of rides intermixed at this point… which made for a very crazy ending. When we got to Bridge Ave – there was a lengthy incline and people were just stopping in the middle of the road to walk up the hill… it was unbelievable to me how many people just don’t have a clue about slower traffic moving right. So, I let that roll off my shoulders and continued pedaling. Just beyond the St. Johns Bridge there was a rest stop which was WAY over populated and spilling out into the street, I yelled to Shannon that I wasn’t going to stop and we continued on. This stretch of the ride was AWESOME… I wish there was less people but honestly, the flats on Willamette and the nice paved roads made for a leisure ride to the Broadway bridge (which was the last bridge). Then it was down to the finish line… which lets say was a CLUSTER-MUCK of people and bikes. Crossing the finish line was important to me but if it hadn’t been, I would have just went to the car and avoided all the craziness. Jake was already at the finish line when we arrived… and he didn’t look well. Due to poor planning on mine and his part, he didn’t have any water, and didn’t stop at all the rest stops and he was not doing so well at the finish. (NOTE to self – make sure my husband is well hydrated and make sure he brings a water bottle). Being a more experience rider, I really should have taken better care of the situation. So, Jake went to Kell’s and had about 4 LARGE glasses of water and took the max to church. Shannon and I wrote our bikes to The Well, where our car was parked and we actually made it to church on time! YEAH!

Would I do Bridge Pedal again? Probably not, because I can now say I have done it and I have the memory of it, but honestly, the crowds at the last ¼ of the ride were a bit too much for me. I am not complaining, it’s just a fact.

Would I recommend it? Yes. The Marquam and the Fremont bridges are for motorized vehicles only and it was really fun to be able to ride our bikes on them. In addition to being about to ride on all the streets and not have to be in the bike lanes or on the sidewalks, was really quite fun.

Hike Report - Angels Rest (4.6 miles - 1886 elevation gain)

Yesterday, Jake and I made plans to go for a hike with some friends we had not seen in a very long time.

I have been thinking about hiking South Sister in Bend, OR the last weekend in August with some friends from church. Our friends Eric and Kisha hiked South Sister just last weekend and I wanted to get their take on it. I have not really ever been a hiker (not to say I haven’t been on hikes just that I don’t have much experience) and wanted to see if South Sister was even possible for me to shoot for. Kisha was honest with me and didn’t tell me not to do it but said we should hit some hills/mountains around town to see if hiking is really something I want to do.

In thinking that hiking is something I want to train for, we planned to meet at 4:30pm at the Angel’s Rest Trail head but traffic was bad and we were both late. We starting hiking around 5pm and it wasn’t too bad. There were some steep spot and even a part where we had to cross over a bunch of rocks. The trail was very well maintained and about 2 to 3 feet wide. We saw a few people going up and about 20 of so going down. The views along the way were incredible.


The hike was way easier then I had anticipated and way more fun that I thought it would be. About a quarter of the way up, we came to a clearing where we saw the peak and realized we had a lot of elevation to climb before getting to the top.

But as we talked and walked, the time just flew by and we summated in just over an hour. The view was spectacular and we enjoyed every second of it. Then it was time for the down hill, which seemed way more difficult for me then the up hill. Be we plugged away and before we knew it we were back at the car.

It is always an eye opening thing for me to see God's beauty though nature. We are immersed in it all day yet we don’t really revel in the beauty of it all, till we are out of our normal walk of life.